Friday night Mike and I were out to dinner and I had this thought “I can’t imagine us having a baby right now.” (Yes, I realize this seems contradictory to what I told you two weeks ago.)

For some reason this image of us carrying a baby in a car seat walking down Barrack’s Row popped into my head as I sat at a high-top table in the window at Matchbox, enjoying a glass a wine across from my husband on a gorgeous Friday evening.

Initial Reactions

OMG, I can’t imagine carrying a baby around, I thought. I can’t imagine having to worry about someone else 24-7.

Half the time I’m too tired to wash the dishes after dinner, where will I find the energy to take care of a baby?

I can hardly get myself together in the morning; I’m always doing a million things. How will I be able to get a baby ready for the day when half the time I’m rushing to get a lunch together before I head out the door. (I almost missed the bus the other day because Justin Beiber was on the Today Show. I mean, hello?! Does that sound like mom material to you? I think not.)

I know that you make room in your life for a baby, that your routine and schedule just shift to make it work. But I don’t want to not be able to do things we like to do because we have a baby and his or her schedule trumps everything.

And no, of course your life doesn’t have to stop when you have a baby. You can still be social and do things, just take the baby with you.

I was actually surprised and inspired by the number of couples I saw with babies strapped on them as we hiked in Great Falls. Yes! I want that to be us.  I want to still be out and about when we have a baby.

I’d love to hold a baby and cuddle with a baby–someone else’s baby that I can give back.  That would be nice.

But having a baby indefinitely… I can’t wrap my head around that.

After thinking about this for almost a week, here’s why…

I enjoy my life as it is right now and feel like I’m on the cusp of some major self discovery. I struggled a lot after college graduation trying to figure everything out and felt very lost at times.  But I’ve learned so much about myself in the last 6-9 months, and am starting to see the light at the end of my quarter-life crisis tunnel. I’m really enjoying this time, being selfish and focusing almost all of my energy on myself and what I want.

When I imagine having a baby, I’m older and have my act together.  I have a solid routine, my apartment is clean. I’m full of energy.  I can stay up til 10. I imagine I’m like 35 or what I think I’ll be when I’m 35: totally with it and put together. I like to feel like I’m with it and put together right now and that I’ve got a lot of things figured out, but where I’m at currently and the level I see myself at when I’m a mom are a few steps apart.

And right now, I’m really enjoying the process of figuring it all out.

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[as you can imagine I have many more thoughts where these came from…perhaps a part II and even III are in order]