I’m so mad.

I’m not mad at a specific person or thing, in fact I can’t really pinpoint exactly what’s making me feel this way but for the past 5 days or so I’ve been so mad.

I have this anger that is bubbling up from deep within me, a rage I can’t place and haven’t really been able to release.

On Saturday I went to yoga knowing that it would make me feel better even though I just wanted to get back in bed and sleep all day. I went, I felt good, and then as we were walking to the car I said to Mike “I’m so mad right now.” I was stewing for the ride home.  Walking to our apartment I said “Grr.  I’m so angry. I just want to punch something.”  We kind of laughed because this is so unlike me and it’s comical that I feel this so deeply and don’t know where it’s coming from.  Mike held a pillow for me and I punched it.  A lot.  And quickly.  Then he started laughing because this is kind of silly and ridiculous, but I wasn’t done, I still wanted to punch more and I started crying and he hugged me. I felt better.

Yesterday I woke up and by 7am I was already feeling really mad again.  I decided I would get back in bed and sleep this mood off.  I woke up again, felt better, and went to Eastern Market with a friend. Within about 15 minutes of being home, the anger was back. I showered, put on my robe and sat grumpily in front of the TV.  I didn’t want to watch anything.  I didn’t want to read. I didn’t want to write. I didn’t even want to take a nap.  I got in bed to watch TV and then thought maybe I could release some anger by screaming into a pillow. I rolled over, put my head into my pillow, and screamed.  It felt really silly.  It didn’t sound like what I thought it would sound like. But I did it again. Within about 10 minutes I felt better.

This morning I woke up my normal happy self and went to the gym.  I’m going to start my week off on the right foot, I thought.  But as I got going on the elliptical the anger slowly started to bubble up.  And here I am, it’s 7am and I’m so mad.  So so mad.  And I’m still not sure where the heck this is coming from. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

In my life coach training they said that sometimes people in anger need to stay in anger for a while.  I’m going to try to just sit in my anger for a while when it comes up.  Fighting the anger certainly doesn’t help.

And I try to honor my body and my emotions instead of pushing them down. I’m not going to tell myself not to be angry.  It’s a fact I’m mad right now.  It’s ok.  It’s super uncomfortable though so maybe I’ll try one of the pillow techniques again before I go to work.

That’s where I’m at.  And I’m telling you this because 1) it helps me to write about it and 2) this anger is the reason I haven’t been posting.  I have so many things I want to write about like our new division of labor and some big dreams I have and the worst part of being an adult. I even have a giveaway lined up! But it’s kind of difficult to write from the heart, to write authentically and with passion about love, marriage, dreams, happiness, and friendship in my usual upbeat tone when I’m ridiculously mad.

So please bear with me while I go through this weird phase.

And now for a weird change of events/mood: I googled “bear with me v. bare with me” and found that it is the former as “bare with me” would be “an invitation to undress” (source). And now I just want to start giggling. And I’m feeling light and happy.  Bare with me, hahaha.  Hahahahaha.

Until the next time my anger bubbles up,

Lots and lots and lots of love,

Jo