Category: Lessons

how to keep the holidays joyful

Posted on by jplatt27

Mike’s aunt gave his mom some great advice for the holidays. She said “decide what you want to do and just do that.”

Simple. Decide what you want to do and just do that.

This time of year is crazy. There are lots of places to go and people to see. And a lot of tasks that need to be completed to go to those places and see those people.

For a time of year that is supposed to be about family, love, joy, hope, and peace, there are so many demands on your time and energy.

It’s easy to get burnt out and not enjoy the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, many times this time of year can be one of the most stressful.

I think that’s partly because we feel so many obligations. Feel like we have to do this or that to make someone else happy. And often we give in to those obligations and in doing so, we still a little bit of joy from ourselves.

But it really doesn’t have to be this way. We can start with the simple advice from Mike’s aunt. Decide what you want to do and just do that.

You can do it. Trust me.

I actually had a great experience with this last year. Last year, I mentioned that we were having a new type of Thanksgiving. But, I never shared how that went.

Long story short Thanksgiving usually goes like this: lunch at 1pm, dinner at 4pm, double food coma and complete exhaustion by 6pm. Last year, I said we’re going to do it different. I’d really like to take a nap after the first meal instead of rush around. So I told my dad that we’d come a little bit later. After the first meal at Mike’s parents, I took a nap. I woke up without an alarm and as soon as I woke up I wanted to go see my family. We got there around 6 or so and ended up staying and chatting for hours. I think we didn’t leave until close to 11!

In doing that, we got relaxed, quality time with both of our families. I was completely present and happy at both events and my family was able to have all of me, the happy, joyful Joanna. They got me. The Joanna I want to be.

So, I know from experience, you can decide what you want to do and just do that. And your holidays may actually be happier for it.

Tell me: what do you really want to do this holiday season? what do you want permission not to do?

P.S. Here’s a beautiful post about this same subject:

mike’s unemployment

Posted on by jplatt27

“I know that some day soon I’ll be greeting you with a kiss as you walk in the door after work. I am so looking forward to that day as I know you are too.  In the meantime, know that I love you and am just as proud of you as I’ve always been.” —note from me to Mike, 3/3/11

In November of 2010, Mike’s boss lost the election and with it, Mike and his colleagues lost their jobs.

Our wedding was just 6 months away.

This was not completely unexpected.  There are elections every two years for Congress and this particular election cycle was going to be a tough one for Democrats.  But, Mike’s boss had been in office for longer than we’d been alive at that point, winning 13 consecutive terms.

They packed up the office, finished the term working from makeshift cubes in House cafeteria, and on January 3, 2011, Mike was officially unemployed.

There’s nothing like filing for unemployment to tell you welcome to the real world.

Of course this was a difficult time for Mike.  He wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do next and staying on the Hill wasn’t a promising option as Democrat staffer jobs were few and far between. He was very diligent about applying for jobs and recording everything to collect unemployment.  But he got kind of down.

This was hard for me too. I did my best to support him, to be encouraging but also allowing him to feel down. I knew he wasn’t happy about not having a job and was doing his best to find something quickly, he didn’t need me to add to that.  I tried to be strong.  But this really sucked.

Finally, I think I said that to him. This really sucks. And it was pretty freeing for both of us.  Admitting this to each other felt good.  It allowed us to be a little vulnerable with each other. And brought us together as a team. It helped us move forward.

 

 

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes.  You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation.  I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes.   And I do things.  I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked.  I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard.  Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife.  Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes.  Ok. That’s a very different statement.  We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships).  A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.

Go to bed angry? Or don't?

Posted on by jplatt27

At my bridal shower, guests were able to fill out cards with wedding advice for me.  One of the most listed pieces of advice was “don’t go to bed angry.”

I understand the thought behind this–you want to go to bed every night at peace with your spouse. And why continue the argument the next day if you could resolve it and move on from it so as not to have two unpleasant experiences back to back. It makes sense.

And I think when we were dating I would’ve agreed with this. I wouldn’t have wanted to get off the phone or go to bed mad at him or with him mad at me.  I would’ve wanted to talk it out or fight it out and passionately resolve everything before going to sleep.

While I get this advice in theory, in practice I’m not so sure.

Sometimes going to bed angry can be a good thing.  It can give you time to cool off and collect your thoughts so that you can articulate better your feelings. I’ve found that when I go to bed angry I’ll wake up the next day and it will take me a little while before I remember “oh, I was mad at him last night” and usually the feeling is just gone.

Maybe we don’t have serious enough arguments or do things that make each other angry.

Maybe there’s a difference between angry and annoyed and this advice is for when you’re truly angry.

I asked Mike what he thought last night and he agreed that it’s OK to go to bed angry.  I reminded him that when we were dating he was a big proponent of this advice and he said that I was too but that time has shown us that sometimes it’s better to sleep on it.

We will disregard this piece of marriage advice and see where we end up.

What do you think??

Let’s discuss:

Don’t go to bed angry. Agree or disagree?

Breakfast at the table

Posted on by jplatt27

Yesterday morning, Mike took his breakfast (my favorite pancakes) and coffee to the kitchen table.  “Sitting at the the table this morning?” I said, hopefully. We always eat breakfast at home during the week but usually while watching The Today Show, Morning Joe, or Mike & Mike. We hadn’t really seen or spoken to each other for two days while Mike was working an event for his job and when he got home at 11pm and greeted sleeping me with a kiss my 1/4 awake response was “What, you’re not even going to tell me you’re home?” Welcome home, huh? The next morning, I was excited to chat, had so many things to share and Mike sitting down at the table told me that he was open to some conversation.

I love when we eat at the table together but it’s a rare occurrence.  We usually eat dinner eat on the couch at the coffee table while watching TV. But recently we’ve both realized that we should eat at our table more.

It’s amazing how much more we talk when we’re sitting across the table from each other–we’ll actually have a conversation. Not like we don’t chat when we’re on the couch but the conversation is much more engaging, much more of a dialogue when we’re sitting at a real table. On the couch, it seems like we’re just reporting out.

If you ever feel disconnected from your significant other, I suggest sitting down to dinner.

I think it’s really important for couples to sit across the table from each other and talk and listen.  Honestly, this is important for any people that are living together, family members, friends, roommates, whatever.  It’s easy to go about your business and not really talk. And doesn’t it feel so good to really talk?

I’d love to know:

How often do you eat at the table? Do you agree that sitting at the table facilitates better conversation?

Appreciation —> Happiness

Posted on by jplatt27

Yesterday Jess shared this nugget of wisdom over on Makeunder My Life:

“Stuff doesn’t make people happy. The appreciation of stuff makes people happy.”

As soon as I read this in my Google reader I stopped and immediately posted to Twitter:

Then I pulled up MML to get the URL, hit “Tweet,” and continued reading.  The next line was “Yep, go ahead and tweet it.” And then I felt like a complete tool.  But that’s not the point of this.

The point is that Jess’ statement is so true. The beautiful duvet we got for our wedding doesn’t make me happy; the sight of it on a nicely made bed and the thought of the comfort it provides makes me happy.  Owning a new black cardigan doesn’t make me happy; appreciating that it was exactly what I was looking for, is soft, fits me perfectly, and was only $17 makes me happy. The diamond earrings I got for my wedding don’t make me happy; appreciating their beauty and the fact that they go with everything and I can wear them every day makes me happy.

I think this statement applies to relationships too.  Having a husband/boyfriend/partner doesn’t necessarily make you happy.  Appreciating the laughs you share, the thoughtful things they do for you, the comfort you feel when resting your head on their shoulder or getting a big hug, that’s the stuff that makes you happy. This goes for family members, friends, co-workers, kids, and probably pets as well.

So it’s true appreciation yields happiness.

I’d love to know:

Who or what are you appreciating these days?

PS–A big thanks to Colleen for teaching me how to take a screen shot today!