bread and dish soap

these two things are making me feel so productive, happy, content right now.  i honestly felt myself smiling and bouncing a little bit as i walked out of the grocery store a few minutes ago because i’m so glad i did this. yes, this was such a small errand but it is having/will have a nice payoff.  this feels good because a) i remembered that we needed these things and jumped off the bus at the last minute to run into the grocery store real quick (it feels so good to just take care of business), b) i’m loving our new neighborhood and the fact that i can just jump off the bus and run into the grocery store (running out for bread and milk just seems like such a to-do in the suburbs), and c) now mike will have something to take for lunch tomorrow and he’ll be appreciative that i thought of this (there’s something gratifying about doing something for someone you love).  

isn’t it funny how the littlest things can put you in such a good mood?  

walking her down the aisle

father daughter things always get me.  the folgers commercial, the subaru commercial, when ariel leaves her dad at the end of “the little mermaid” and says “i love you, daddy” and then the music swells.  yep, all of that brings me to tears.  so it’s no surprise that this scene had me in tears on the metro.

it was a few weeks after we got engaged and i was on the elevator with a man and his daughter.  she couldn’t have been more than a year and a half.  she said “sing it daddy” and he said “no, you sing it” and they went back and forth a few times before she started singing the song from sesame street and her father laughed with joy and surprise “i didn’t know you knew the song.”

of course, tears are welling up in my eyes as i watch this as they still do now as recall this scene over a year later.  i wanted to say to him “enjoy this time.  before you know it, she’ll be my age and you’ll be walking her down the aisle.”

walking her down the aisle

don't leave laundry in dryer overnight.

this morning i woke up about 6:30.  mike was already at the gym and due back soon and i like to get out of bed before he gets back.  i head downstairs to get the sheets and towels i left in the dryer overnight. about 7 minutes later, i pull two heaping baskets of laundry out of the elevator one at a time and set them in front of the door.  the washington post is gone, mike must be home.  i go to open the door and it’s locked.  ugh! i knock lightly on the door for a bit.  no answer.  he probably can’t hear me, must be in the shower, and i don’t want to knock much louder and disturb the neighbors. though trust me, i wanted to bang my fist against the door until mike answered. but i realize that this can be a source of frustration and anger or a funny anecdote that we can share a laugh over.  i’ll choose the laugh.  so i start to fold the laundry, giving a light tap on the door every two towels or so.  no answer.  i continue to fold the laundry in the hot, humid hallway. i hear the ironing board open inside (mike irons his clothes every morning) and know that he’s definitely inside and out of the shower.  he still doesn’t hear me knock.  i’m just laughing to myself.  the laundry is folded nicely in the two baskets, ready to be put away.  and i’m still in the hall.  i decide to sit down.  if i continue to stand and pace and look around, i will get annoyed. so i sit down and relax. i see the neighbor’s newspaper and consider picking it up to read but don’t. i figure that worse come to worse, mike will see me when he leaves for work at 7:15. then i hear silverware clanking inside the apartment.  i imagine mike making an egg sandwich and sitting down with the paper in front of the tv.  then i realize that since we moved, mike doesn’t leave til 7:45! and then i realize that if i can hear the ironing board and the silverware drawer from out here, he must be able to hear me knock.  so i knock again.  the door opens and i look up at mike in the doorway.  he looks down at me and says, in all seriousness, “what are you doing, lover?” 

we share a laugh over the fact that he locked me out and i’d been sitting in the hallway for about 20 minutes.  and i’m glad that i chose to see this as a lighthearted mishap and not an infuriating oversight.

the suit

as i was packing up things to go to the dry cleaner, i came across mike’s wedding suit. i noticed the jacket by the striped fabric on the inside of the sleeves. i picked it up like it was a childhood blanket, one that brings comfort and security and a twinge of sadness all at the same time. i smelled it, not knowing what smells would still be lingering, not sure what smells i even associate with our wedding day.  it didn’t smell like anything.  just a suit. and still, it brought tears to my eyes.  still is.

i can’t articulate why it’s calling up this emotion.  just nostalgia for the day i guess. i remember how confident he was trying on the suit just days before the wedding, how proud he was of his choice in attire, and how handsome he looked waiting for me at the end of the aisle. this suit takes me back to all of it.

sigh.

the suit.

(via amanda kraft)

best bus ride ever

mike and i jumped on the bus after running some errands yesterday.  little did we know this would be an amazing ride. what’s wrong with this picture?

bus 1

don’t see it?

see the arrow in the picture below?

yeah.  that’s a lamp, not a pole. during the course of our ride we saw about 10 people reach for the lamp thinking it was part of the bus.  they were so startled when the “pole” moved as they grabbed it. this. was. hilarious.  my stomach hurt from laughing so hard.  pretty soon, most other riders realized that this was happening and everyone watched in anticipation as the next slew of riders made their way onto the bus.  at one point, someone started singing “another one bites the dust.”

oh, and see the guy standing right behind the lamp?  yeah, he was doing pull-ups at one point.

good. ride.

Tears at the Social Security Office

I officially changed my name last week.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I handed over the form, our marriage license, and my passport. As I sat down to wait for my paperwork to be processed, I cried quietly in my chair. This is not surprising for me because all endings make me cry: co-workers leaving, moving to a new apartment, the end of a weekend at home.

A friend/co-worker knew where I was and walked by the social security office at the just the right time.  She came in and told me that yes, this is a big deal and it’s ok to be sad.  She gave me a hug and I sobbed into her arms and something about that moment felt so good. I was honoring my feelings.  Honoring the name I carried all my life and the memories and people associated with it. And then I stopped.  Because even though I changed my name, a name that is a big part of my identity and one that I cherish deeply, I was ok.  I had made the right decision.

in-laws.

i don’t like this word.  not for mike’s parents anyway.  to me it has such a negative connotation, one that just doesn’t fit my in-laws.  you see, his parents are so kind and warm.  they have always been good to me, always been supportive.  i really enjoy spending time with them and treasure our relationship. i don’t want to call them by a word that has such negative implications.

i was telling my family about my concerns with calling his parents my in-laws.  a couple weeks later, my sister suggested the perfect name for them.  something she had read somewhere, probably in a chick-lit novel.  but regardless, i like it.  and it fits my husband’s parents perfectly: in-loves.  mike’s mom is my mother-in-love.  how sweet is that?

though i don’t think anyone would take me seriously if i actually used “in-loves” in conversation. i’ll just have to make sure that i have a positive tone in my voice when i say “in-laws.”

a friend at work told me i may be depressed after the wedding.  so i wasn’t surprised when the first week back to my normal life was less than exhilarating.  i figured i was tired from traveling and after the high of an amazing wedding and unbelievable honeymoon of course it would be rough to be back in the stifling heat of the city and the chill of my beige windowless office. after a week or so, i felt like i was adjusting back to my normal life.

however, in the last few days, a wave of exhaustion and depression has swept over me.  i’m completely exhausted before i get to work even though i went to bed before 9pm the night before.  i’m melancholy and sad and find myself sobbing, loudly and uncontrollably, a few times a day.  

i can’t articulate what i’m going through or why i’m feeling what i’m feeling.  there is nothing logical or rational behind it.  and this isn’t like going away to college when everything changed and everyone around you was going through the same thing and that made it easier.  no, this is just me.  

these are probably growing pains.  and the waves on which they come are very close together right now.  as time goes on, they’ll lessen in frequency and severity. i’ll get back to equilibrium soon enough. all i can do in the meantime is honor my feelings. they’re not wrong. they’re mine.

take long walks together

my husband’s mom wrote this on an advice card at my bridal shower. she said “take long walks together once in a while because that’s when you really talk.” we went on a few walks this weekend: to starbucks and to the capitol to throw the frisbee. and this advice proves to be true. conversation flows much more freely and continuously when we’re walking. we talked about the future and our new apartment. he’s more open and talkative and it’s really nice to just talk and have him initiate bigger conversations.