Tag: change

Tears at the Social Security Office

Posted on by jplatt27

I officially changed my name last week.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I handed over the form, our marriage license, and my passport. As I sat down to wait for my paperwork to be processed, I cried quietly in my chair. This is not surprising for me because all endings make me cry: co-workers leaving, moving to a new apartment, the end of a weekend at home.

A friend/co-worker knew where I was and walked by the social security office at the just the right time.  She came in and told me that yes, this is a big deal and it’s ok to be sad.  She gave me a hug and I sobbed into her arms and something about that moment felt so good. I was honoring my feelings.  Honoring the name I carried all my life and the memories and people associated with it. And then I stopped.  Because even though I changed my name, a name that is a big part of my identity and one that I cherish deeply, I was ok.  I had made the right decision.

Posted on by jplatt27

a friend at work told me i may be depressed after the wedding.  so i wasn’t surprised when the first week back to my normal life was less than exhilarating.  i figured i was tired from traveling and after the high of an amazing wedding and unbelievable honeymoon of course it would be rough to be back in the stifling heat of the city and the chill of my beige windowless office. after a week or so, i felt like i was adjusting back to my normal life.

however, in the last few days, a wave of exhaustion and depression has swept over me.  i’m completely exhausted before i get to work even though i went to bed before 9pm the night before.  i’m melancholy and sad and find myself sobbing, loudly and uncontrollably, a few times a day.  

i can’t articulate what i’m going through or why i’m feeling what i’m feeling.  there is nothing logical or rational behind it.  and this isn’t like going away to college when everything changed and everyone around you was going through the same thing and that made it easier.  no, this is just me.  

these are probably growing pains.  and the waves on which they come are very close together right now.  as time goes on, they’ll lessen in frequency and severity. i’ll get back to equilibrium soon enough. all i can do in the meantime is honor my feelings. they’re not wrong. they’re mine.