Tag: emotions

an early Christmas present for my husband

Posted on by jplatt27

We hit quite a bit of traffic on our way home for Christmas. Mike is a pretty even-keeled person, doesn’t really get worked up about things. But when it comes to traffic–not so much. He gets super grumpy and frustrated by it. He’ll start huffing and puffing, throwing his head back, you get the idea.

I don’t think we’d even hit Baltimore before I heard this comment: “Yep, time for more traffic, it’s been 5 minutes since we were sitting in traffic, it’s time.”  It was going to be a long ride.

Of course, I didn’t want to start my Christmas vacation on a grumpy mood and Mike didn’t either–we’d planned to take our time on Saturday morning and go to our favorite coffee shop before hitting the road.  I perused the bookstore for a few minutes on our way out (one of my favorite activities) and found three gifts!  Then, I was ready for a nice leisurely drive.

Then traffic hit.  I could feel Mike getting irritated as we crawled along.

And then it hit me: just because he’s grumpy doesn’t mean I have to be grumpy.  I can sit back and enjoy the ride–regardless of how fast or how slow we’re moving. So I did. I relaxed into my seat and into my thoughts and looked out the window.

I enjoyed the ride.  I really did.  I was so proud of myself for not taking on his mood.  I have a tendency to pick up other people’s energy but with that realization comes the power to make a different choice.  So I did.

Getting grumpy because Mike’s grumpy not only sours my mood, it doesn’t help Mike either. You know what they say “happy wife, happy life.” So I decided to be content, at peace even in the traffic and even with grumpy-pants sitting next to me, and decided to let Mike be in his mood–not trying to change it or tell him why it was silly. That’s like a double early Christmas present if you ask me.

 

 

a powerful gift

Posted on by jplatt27

In coach training this weekend, I realized the best gift Mike has ever given me.

The greatest gift Mike has given me is the freedom to be who I am, accepting and loving me just the way I am.  As long as I’ve known him (since middle school), he has not tried to change me. He meets me where I am without judgement, only openness and love.

My first thought in response to this realization was pure gratitude and wonder.

Next thought: My wish is that I can give him the same gift in return.

Now I realize a gift even more powerful than either of these, one I wish to give as well.

I could give this gift to myself. Imagine if I gave myself 100% freedom to be who I am.  What if I began to love and accept myself as the person I am in this moment?

Most of the stress and unhappiness in my life comes from self-criticism.  From believing that I’m not good enough, that I should be more, do more.  That I should be x, y, or z, even though that’s not me. So imagine how wonderful it would be, how my life would change, if I was kind to myself.  If I was as loving and accepting of myself as Mike is to me.

Starting today, I will give myself this gift. And I will receive this gift from myself.

As I type this I’m a little scared. Like wow, this is a big commitment. But I have the power to make this change, one thought at a time. Though it won’t be easy, it will be worth it.

 

five memories and one for good luck

Posted on by jplatt27

It’s my mom’s birthday today. In honor of her birthday I’d thought I’d share some of my favorite memories related to my mom.

1. I remember her sitting on the windowsill in my room and singing “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

2. One Valentine’s Day we came home from school to find tie-dyed Ty teddy bears sitting at each of our spots at the kitchen table. It made me so happy.

3. One fall night my mom and I watched Carrie just the two of us. We sat on the couch under a blanket with all the lights turned off (we “made a movie theather”) and it was pitch black outside, maybe even thunderstorming. It was so scary but so fun at the same time.

4. Late middle school I was having a really hard time. My mom stuck a note in my lunch, a little card with a pastel landscape on the front. I don’t remember quite what it said but it was short and sweet and written in pencil. It was something along the lines of “keep your head up, you don’t have to make decision now” and at the bottom “I love you, Mom.” I remember exactly where I was in the hallway when I read this.  It was so comforting and helped me feel at peace.

5. About this time my first year in DC my mom came down for a visit. I was still teaching and having a really hard time. We went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and sat outside for an early dinner. Then we walked back to my apartment (about 2 miles), stopping for a pumpkin pie on the way back. We ate half of it that night just the two of us. I think she brought me Ugly Betty on DVD too. Having that show to watch really gave me an escape.

6. A couple years ago I called my mom to rant about Mike. I went on and on about how he couldn’t wash dishes and that I’d find them back in the cabinet dirty. It was driving me crazy. This rant was full of hysterics, yelling, tears, the whole bit. I remember sitting in my bedroom talking to her on the phone and she said “honey, you have to pick your battles, maybe you do the dishes etc” my response was “I don’t have many battles to pick so I choose this.” She laughed, said that was true and that it was a good thing. Then she asked “are you sure this is about the dishes? Could this be about something different?” How did she know?? She hit the nail on the head. I really wanted to be engaged and was sad that we weren’t. It was so comforting that she opened up that conversation and just let me cry about not being engaged without judgement.

Do you want to wish my mom a happy birthday?  

You can do so by sharing a memory with your mom. Call, email, text, write, post it on my Facebook wall and tag your mom–wrap it however you want–but let your mom know you’re thinking of her and that that memory means something to you.

if you have to cry, go outside. [a review]

Posted on by jplatt27

I got Kelly Cutrone’s If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You from a friend who’d read it and thought I would like it.

Honestly I was a bit skeptical going into it.  I didn’t know who Kelly Cutrone is and the cover didn’t really pull me in. I mean “if you have to cry go outside” isn’t really a mantra that resonates with me. (Clearly.  1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

But this book was far from the coldness I felt in the title.  Frankly, it was warm and comforting.

Kelly (think I can call her that?) discusses finding yourself in your twenties and early thirties after the school path you were on ends and you’re left to design your own. She talks about many things that I’ve struggled with during my quarter-life crisis: career, babies, spirituality, relationships.

I was touched by her honesty, by her wisdom, and by how much her words resonated with me.  How much her message aligns so much with my own.

Some passages that resonated with me:

“I happen to believe the world will change only when we change ourselves.  And that starts with finding ourselves.  And that starts with listening to ourselves: learning to quiest the clamor in our minds and the voices of everyone around us and move toward what feels right–toward the things we know, for reasons we can’t explain, that we’re meant to do, the things that make us feel alive.” p. 9

“Study as many religions and teachings as possible; take what you like from each and leave the rest…Women should spend as much time looking for a religion of their own as they do trying to find a hot guy to have sex with. Because let’s be honest: there are too many examples of magic and miracles in this world to say with any certainty that there isn’t something fantastically wonderful going on here…if you don’t have faith in yourself and in something larger than yourself, and if you want to take this world at face value, you’re going to have a fucking nasty ride.” pp. 75-76

“We’re constantly moving from level to level, trying to collect the promised prizes, without stopping to think about the order we want these things to come in, or whether we even really want them at all.” p. 99

“It doesn’t matter how glamorous or lucrative a career may seem fro the outside; if it’s not the path you’re meant to be on, you will never be happy or fulfilled doing it.” p. 136

“I firmly believe that each woman is a goddess and that deep down inside herself she knows it.” p. 151

Aren’t these gems?  I’m sure there are many others that I loved but for whatever reason didn’t jot down as I was reading.

I really enjoyed this book and have already recommended it to a few friends. And now I recommend it to you.

Thank you, Kelly, for sharing this wisdom with us.

Question for you:

Do any of the passages above resonate with you?  If you’ve read the book, do you have others to add?

 

joanna's morning affirmations

Posted on by jplatt27

Have you seen Jessica’s Daily Affirmations on You Tube? It makes me smile every time.

I love this little girl’s excitement over life.  She’s so energetic and full of love.

I’ve actually been feeling pretty full of love recently so I thought I would do my own.

Here’s my version:

I love my sisters.

I love my life.

I love my hair.

I love my body.

I love my husband.

I can do anything good.

I love my apartment, and my bed, and the windows.

I love my co-workers.

I love my mom.

I love my dad.

I love my brother.

I. love. everything!

I love my friends.

I love my kitchen.

I love my clothes.

I have everything I need.

I love my bus and the sun and my neighborhood.

I. am. happy.

And powerful.

I am enough.

I am strong.

I am beautiful.

I love me.

Geez, imagine I woke up each day and recited these to myself in the mirror with the same gusto and enthusiasm and authenticity as Jessica.  How powerful would that be?

I invite you to join me by sharing a few lines of your own in the comments or on the Things After the Rings Facebook Page. Bloggers, I’d love to see you post your own on your blog.

Imagine if we all woke up each day and said things similar to this to ourselves in the mirror.  Wow, there’d be a lot of a happy women walking around.

perfect union

Posted on by jplatt27

I absolutely adore this reading.  I loved it when I read it the first time, I loved it when I heard it on my wedding day and mouthed some of the words to Mike, and I love it now, rereading it and knowing the absolute truth in the words here.

 

Union
by Robert Fulghum

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way.

All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks – all those sentences that began with “when we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will” – those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe”- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “you know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed–well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years.  

Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you.

For after these vows, you shall to the world, this- is my husband, this- is my wife.

 

 

*Photo credit: Amanda Kraft Photography

the worst part of being an adult

Posted on by jplatt27

The real world.  We’ve all got to enter it at some point.  It includes bill paying, work, finding a new identity that’s not student, and while all of that has its challenges, none of these are the worst part of being an adult.

Let me explain…

….

It’s about noon on Sunday and my best friends from college and I are sprawled across two beds in the hotel room we shared after LEM‘s bachelorette party wishing we could all go back to sleep for about 4 more hours.  We were out til 4am, drinking and dancing up a storm.  Our heads hurt and we’re so tired. But as I cuddle and chat with my best friends, all 6 of us together, this warm loving feeling spreads over me and I say “isn’t life just so good right now?” They all laugh because it’s ridiculous–we’re exhausted and the room is spinning a bit–but I know deep down they all agree.

….

It’s a Sunday breakfast that turns into three hours over coffee and crepes, a lunch date that leaves you bouncing into your office, a happy hour that turns into dinner and a bottle of wine and not getting home until 10:30 on a Monday.

….

It’s a text message telling you about a DC pizza place on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives or an email mid-day Wednesday asking how the week is going.

….

Yes, these are some of the best things in life.

But they point to the worst thing about being an adult: there’s never enough time for friends. 

And maybe the flip side of that is realizing how valuable these people are.  And finally learning to shift your priorities to make time for them.  Because they are everything.

 

Talk to me: what do you think is the worst part of being an adult?

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes.  You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation.  I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes.   And I do things.  I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked.  I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard.  Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife.  Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes.  Ok. That’s a very different statement.  We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships).  A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.

growing pains

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m back to my normal self after a week of grumpiness! Or at least I can feel my normal happy self peaking back through.

I spent most of my free time last week vegging in front of the TV, laying in bed, or reading the book Fury: True Tales of a Good Girl Gone Ballistic which I’m absolutely loving.

It’s weird, sometimes I want to punch something and feel very angry and then I’ll just feel full of love and want to hug everyone.  Very strange oscillation.

I think my life coach training stirred up some emotions and feelings that I didn’t even realize I had pushed down and pushed down and now they’re bubbling up.  They want to come out.

I’m calling them growing pains and trying to just feel the pain, to let myself experience the anger, love, sadness so that I can move past it.

You know when you clean or organize your room, it gets so much messier before it gets better?  I think that’s what’s this experience is going to be like. A little crazy and tiring during the process but then so satisfying and peaceful when you’re done.

I’d love to know:

Have you ever had growing pains? I had some serious growing pains after my wedding.  Remember when I picked up my wedding dress? After I allowed myself to process them, I was able to move past them. 

 

 

 

 

mad

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m so mad.

I’m not mad at a specific person or thing, in fact I can’t really pinpoint exactly what’s making me feel this way but for the past 5 days or so I’ve been so mad.

I have this anger that is bubbling up from deep within me, a rage I can’t place and haven’t really been able to release.

On Saturday I went to yoga knowing that it would make me feel better even though I just wanted to get back in bed and sleep all day. I went, I felt good, and then as we were walking to the car I said to Mike “I’m so mad right now.” I was stewing for the ride home.  Walking to our apartment I said “Grr.  I’m so angry. I just want to punch something.”  We kind of laughed because this is so unlike me and it’s comical that I feel this so deeply and don’t know where it’s coming from.  Mike held a pillow for me and I punched it.  A lot.  And quickly.  Then he started laughing because this is kind of silly and ridiculous, but I wasn’t done, I still wanted to punch more and I started crying and he hugged me. I felt better.

Yesterday I woke up and by 7am I was already feeling really mad again.  I decided I would get back in bed and sleep this mood off.  I woke up again, felt better, and went to Eastern Market with a friend. Within about 15 minutes of being home, the anger was back. I showered, put on my robe and sat grumpily in front of the TV.  I didn’t want to watch anything.  I didn’t want to read. I didn’t want to write. I didn’t even want to take a nap.  I got in bed to watch TV and then thought maybe I could release some anger by screaming into a pillow. I rolled over, put my head into my pillow, and screamed.  It felt really silly.  It didn’t sound like what I thought it would sound like. But I did it again. Within about 10 minutes I felt better.

This morning I woke up my normal happy self and went to the gym.  I’m going to start my week off on the right foot, I thought.  But as I got going on the elliptical the anger slowly started to bubble up.  And here I am, it’s 7am and I’m so mad.  So so mad.  And I’m still not sure where the heck this is coming from. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

In my life coach training they said that sometimes people in anger need to stay in anger for a while.  I’m going to try to just sit in my anger for a while when it comes up.  Fighting the anger certainly doesn’t help.

And I try to honor my body and my emotions instead of pushing them down. I’m not going to tell myself not to be angry.  It’s a fact I’m mad right now.  It’s ok.  It’s super uncomfortable though so maybe I’ll try one of the pillow techniques again before I go to work.

That’s where I’m at.  And I’m telling you this because 1) it helps me to write about it and 2) this anger is the reason I haven’t been posting.  I have so many things I want to write about like our new division of labor and some big dreams I have and the worst part of being an adult. I even have a giveaway lined up! But it’s kind of difficult to write from the heart, to write authentically and with passion about love, marriage, dreams, happiness, and friendship in my usual upbeat tone when I’m ridiculously mad.

So please bear with me while I go through this weird phase.

And now for a weird change of events/mood: I googled “bear with me v. bare with me” and found that it is the former as “bare with me” would be “an invitation to undress” (source). And now I just want to start giggling. And I’m feeling light and happy.  Bare with me, hahaha.  Hahahahaha.

Until the next time my anger bubbles up,

Lots and lots and lots of love,

Jo