Category: Relationship

i can't believe it

Posted on by jplatt27

I can’t believe it! My husband can not read my mind.

Things I’ve been thinking about for a while, he doesn’t know.

Things I’ve been thinking about over and over and over again, he’s hearing for the first time.  Woah.

It’s like if I don’t say it, he doesn’t know it.

But he’s my husband–shouldn’t he know these things?

I mean we sleep next to each other, we share a bed–how can he not know what I like, what’s got me stressed, what I’m most interested in at the moment? How can he not know when I’m totally at peace, when I’m full of anxiety, or when I’m experiencing pure bliss?

I don’t get it.

But, then again, I can’t read his mind either.

an early Christmas present for my husband

Posted on by jplatt27

We hit quite a bit of traffic on our way home for Christmas. Mike is a pretty even-keeled person, doesn’t really get worked up about things. But when it comes to traffic–not so much. He gets super grumpy and frustrated by it. He’ll start huffing and puffing, throwing his head back, you get the idea.

I don’t think we’d even hit Baltimore before I heard this comment: “Yep, time for more traffic, it’s been 5 minutes since we were sitting in traffic, it’s time.”  It was going to be a long ride.

Of course, I didn’t want to start my Christmas vacation on a grumpy mood and Mike didn’t either–we’d planned to take our time on Saturday morning and go to our favorite coffee shop before hitting the road.  I perused the bookstore for a few minutes on our way out (one of my favorite activities) and found three gifts!  Then, I was ready for a nice leisurely drive.

Then traffic hit.  I could feel Mike getting irritated as we crawled along.

And then it hit me: just because he’s grumpy doesn’t mean I have to be grumpy.  I can sit back and enjoy the ride–regardless of how fast or how slow we’re moving. So I did. I relaxed into my seat and into my thoughts and looked out the window.

I enjoyed the ride.  I really did.  I was so proud of myself for not taking on his mood.  I have a tendency to pick up other people’s energy but with that realization comes the power to make a different choice.  So I did.

Getting grumpy because Mike’s grumpy not only sours my mood, it doesn’t help Mike either. You know what they say “happy wife, happy life.” So I decided to be content, at peace even in the traffic and even with grumpy-pants sitting next to me, and decided to let Mike be in his mood–not trying to change it or tell him why it was silly. That’s like a double early Christmas present if you ask me.

 

 

marriage myth buster

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and I can already tell this is going to be a great read.

In the first chapter he explores myths about marriage.  I’m happy to share that I am a real life example of a myth buster.

Here’s the myth:

Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. p. 13

I’m not sure exactly how much of my crazy has come through on the blog but I can be a little nuts and sometimes a lot to handle.  Luckily, this isn’t keeping me from having a happy and healthy relationship.  And Gottman agrees that a little crazy doesn’t have to ruin a marriage or prevent you from having one.

“The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. What matters is how you deal with them. If you can accommodate each other’s strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”  –p. 14

When I read that in line to vote yesterday, I was like “yes! so true!” and showed it to Mike.

Talk to me:

How does your significant other handle your crazy? Mike handles my crazy with patience and love and by giving me space to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. 

How do you respond to his with caring, affection, and respect? I think I’m a little stumped by my own question, to be honest.  Again, I think it’s through space and listening. 

a realization from a sex dream

Posted on by jplatt27

The other night I had what seemed like a strange dream but was actually very telling.

I have to share the dream to give full effect.

In my dream…

Mike and I were making out pretty passionately in bed when all of a sudden Mike said “wait, I have something to show you.”  He stood at the end of the bed and started doing tai chi moves.  “I learned these for you,” he said. Immediately, my body went from hot to cold.  I was completely turned off. “Ok, you can stop now,” I said awkwardly.

When I woke up…

Weird, huh? I woke up thinking how bizarre the dream was.

And then I realized its meaning: I love my husband and am attracted to him exactly the way he is.

I’m always asking Mike to come to yoga with me, to read this personal development book or watch that inspirational spiritual or business video with me. I’ll push him think about his next career move and where he wants to be in 10 years. And I get a little frustrated when he’s not interested.

But these things aren’t Mike. Like not at all.

Frankly, if Mike was throwing a yoga mat over his shoulder on Saturday mornings or brewing coffee in anticipation of Super Soul Sunday that would just be weird. If Mike was throwing out ideas left and right about potential dream jobs or career moves I would wonder what was going on. Because it’s not him.

I fell in love with Mike and continue to love him just the way he is.  We are very different in many ways–he yells at the TV during Philadelphia sports games and agonizes over political debates while I yell about people not fulfilling their dreams and agonize over relationships.  But I think that’s why we work.

Bottom line is if he changed in the ways I sometimes want him to, I probably wouldn’t be turned on by it in the way I think I would.  In fact, I know I wouldn’t, it would just be weird.

Do you have things you wish your significant other would do or was interested in?  

Have you gotten messages from your dreams lately?

[two questions] friends in relationships

Posted on by jplatt27

Ooo, it’s tough getting back into the routine after a nice three-day weekend.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently so I thought friendship in relation to relationships would be a good topic for two questions this week.

How are you a friend to your s.o.?

I’ve been thinking about how to answer this question since I came up with it last night.  I guess the fact that I have to think about it makes it a good question?

Mike and I were friends for almost 5 years before we started dating junior year of high school.  Prior to dating, our friendship consisted mostly of phone conversations and notes back and forth during the school day.  I confided a lot in Mike during this time and always valued the advice he would give me because it was always very selfless.  I’d call him crying over a boy problem and instead of saying “he’s not good for you anyway, you should forget about him and go out with me” he’d console me and give me advice on how to handle the situation.  That’s something I’ll never forget about him and our friendship during those early years.

I think that’s one way we are friends to each other now.  When listening and offering advice and support and helping each other with decisions, I’ll take into consideration what Mike wants and what will make him happy and encourage him to make that decision even if it’s not my first choice.  And Mike will do the same.  As Mike just put it simply: you’ll support even if you disagree.

We’ve also become friends in a more fun sense.  We’ll do things together and spend time together as friends and not necessarily in a romantic way.  Mike will watch the Kardashians if I want to and we spent Sunday morning eating breakfast on the couch and watching a movie even though that’s not really my thing. We’ll go for a frisbee toss, or I’ll join him on a run.

What are your thoughts on couple-friends?

Couple-friends are a win-win!  I get to spend time with my husband and I get to hang out with my friends–two of my favorite things in one.  I love double dates. It’s really fun to be in a social setting with Mike.  While I make a concerted effort to see my friends, I sometimes unintentionally isolate Mike from my girlfriends because I so cherish girl time and then we’re really not in groups of people together very often. Couple friends allow us to be social together.

Friends that are friends with both of us are also amazing.  We don’t have a ton of these but it’s nice to have mutual friends that we both have individual relationships with.  Most of our mutual friends are guys. Not surprising as I sequester my girlfriends to myself.

Talk to me:

How are you a friend to your s.o. or how is your partner a friend to you? I’m honestly still thinking about my answer to this question.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be a friend and so I’m trying to evaluate my answer based on a definition I haven’t yet solidified.  I’m also having a hard time differentiating friend behaviors with husband behaviors–like where is the line? Our relationship is so rooted in friendship that it’s hard to know where one ends and the other begins. 

Thoughts on couple-friends?

 

I’m always open to more questions for two questions on Tuesdays.  Feel free to ask questions in the comments or on my Facebook page.  And if you haven’t done so already, like the page will ya?

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes.  You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation.  I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes.   And I do things.  I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked.  I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard.  Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife.  Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes.  Ok. That’s a very different statement.  We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships).  A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.

the line between encouraging and nagging

Posted on by jplatt27

Sitting at lunch on Sunday afternoon, tired from a long weekend but so happy I said to Mike:

so what do you want to do?

what do you want to be?

Mike has a great job but he still hasn’t found his perfect career fit just yet.  As I’m his number one fan and have so much confidence in him, and because I want this for everyone I love, I want him to find the perfect fit, to live up to his potential, to find the thing that will make him come alive. Because I love seeing him at his best.

But when a friend recently expressed concern about her boyfriend getting too comfortable in a job and getting stuck, my advice was this:

when the right thing comes along he will be stimulated and engaged and then he’ll make a move. 

As I was saying this I was thinking that maybe I should take my own advice.

I’m constantly wondering about Mike and encouraging him to find his “thing” and asking questions to get him thinking.

I was joking with my friends that Mike might actually pay me not to coach him, to just stay out of it.

But because he’s my husband I only want the absolute best for him.  I want him to be engaged and alive and happy.  I want him to be proud of the career path that he’s on and excited to share it with others. I want him to live up to his true potential and feel like he’s on top of the world.

While I’m only doing this out of love, the same way I do when I give my little sisters unsolicited advice, this behavior can create a rift between us, can make him feel pressured.

In this case I’m talking about work but this can also apply to fitness, health, parenting, family relations, hobbies, whatever.

So where is the line between encouraging your partner to move forward, supporting them where they are, and just being a nag?

I’m still trying to find the balance.

promise me we'll be weird

Posted on by jplatt27

While I was preparing for my vision board party, Mike was helping me make some cookies.  I don’t remember what possessed this, maybe I needed a laugh, but I said “I have an idea.  Why don’t I make a rule where for the next 10 minutes, you can only speak in rhyme?”

Mike was quiet for a little while but then after about 45 seconds, he said a line in rhyme.  And I giggled.  And we kept going.

And now it’s kind of our thing.  We just rhyme randomly.  And laugh.

Then, earlier this week we were in the kitchen doing dishes after dinner and I was packing up the leftovers for lunch when in a loud random voice I said “the lunch.”

Mike started laughing and when I asked what he was laughing about he said “I was just going to start singing and it would’ve been really embarrassing.”

Because I want to protect my husband from more public shame, I told him I wouldn’t share the song he then broke into.  But, it was hilarious.  So funny and silly. I was giggling up a storm.

We kept making up more lyrics to this song that had to do with lunch and leftovers and dishes.  And we kept cracking up.

I’m still struck as we laugh and laugh and laugh by how good it feels to do so.

And as we laughed and laughed, made up more lyrics, and laughed and cheered at each other’s good rhymes, I said to Mike

promise me we’ll always be weird.

I never want to stop laughing like this.  How many adults did you see being silly or weird when you were a kid?  I didn’t see many.

When we’re “grown up” and have kids, I don’t want to stop giggling and joking around with my husband. As we take on more responsibility in years to come, I still want to have good clean fun like this.  I want to laugh.  I want us to still be weird.

 

It takes work

Posted on by jplatt27

I was telling my co-workers about how Mike came to help me finish the dishes the other night because he didn’t want my great day to end in grumpiness.

“Wow,” they said in response.  That’s good.  Almost too good.

And while Mike is pretty amazing in almost every way and we’ve been going strong for 9 years, this relationship, like all relationships, takes work.  Every day, it takes work.

We’re still learning what we need to be for each other and as we each continue to grow and change our needs evolve as well.

We are very different people in a lot ways–raised to express emotions differently and react to situations in ways that sometimes seem to be exact opposites of each other, and our overall demeanors, the way we process information, and the way we see the future are sometimes worlds apart.

And that poses a challenge.

The other night Mike was reacting to a situation that wasn’t going the way he wanted it to go. My initial reaction was to encourage him to get his frustration out.  To fuel the fire, to get him to yell and release the stress.  Which he did a little bit.  He verbalized his frustrations and I continued to try to draw more feelings out of him.

But he wanted to just move on and turned our TV show back on.

And then it hit me: instead of trying to flame his anger, he needed me to say “you know, it’s fine the way it is. You don’t need to feel bad about this.”

And as I said something along those lines, I could tell that was in fact exactly what he needed from me.

We don’t always get it right the first time.  We’re still learning how to respond to each other and to read each other in different situations.

I don’t imagine that this will ever change.  That our relationship will be completely effortless. As we go through life together, we’ll always be working to be attentive to each others needs, which may change over time.

We’re ok with that.

how we celebrated one year

Posted on by jplatt27

We had an amazing three day weekend for our anniversary.

Here’s what we did during the weekend to celebrate:

Saturday morning we got up and got bagels at Bethesda Bagel in Dupont Circle. Best bagels in the city and amazing veggie cream cheese.

Then we drove out to Great Falls, Virginia for a hike.  I teared up when we got our first look at the falls.  We chose to hike the River Trail, a little bit of a rocky terrain right along the Potomac River. It was amazing. We hiked a bit on our honeymoon and this took us back there a bit.

Saturday night we went to the steakhouse at the W (we went there the night we got engaged too!). We were treated so well. The food was outstanding and the service matched it. I got a delicious drink–passion whiskey sour–went out of my comfort zone a little bit with this one and it was so worth it. Mike said this was one of the top three meals of his life.

After dinner, we went to the rooftop terrace at the W for a drink and to take in the view.  Still one of our favorite places in DC.

Monday morning (our actual anniversary) we walked to Georgetown Cupcake. On your first anniversary you’re supposed to take the top layer of your wedding cake out of the freezer, defrost it, and eat it.  Since we had Georgetown Cupcakes instead of a cake, we went and got a red velvet in lieu of a frozen top layer.

It was a great weekend, filled with love and fun.  A great first anniversary.  I’m looking forward to many many more.

Happy Anniversary, Mike!