Tag: advice

choose your thoughts

Posted on by jplatt27

For months, maybe even a year or more, after we got engaged, I still wondered when Mike would propose.  Things like surprises, dinner dates, random Tuesdays when he walked in the door after work, I’d still find myself thinking “maybe he’s going to propose.” I had been so accustomed to thinking this way, had been waiting for engagement longer than I’d been engaged and that thought pattern stuck.

The same thing happened with our first dance song.  After our wedding, whenever I heard our first dance song, “Just Say Yes,” my mind didn’t go to the dance floor at our reception, didn’t rejoice at how fun our first dance was even though it wasn’t planned at all.  I didn’t think about how Mike threw me out for a spin perfectly on cue as the song built up to the first chorus and everyone started cheering and whistling and we were both smiling from ear to ear.  No, when I heard “Just Say Yes” after our wedding I was taken back to my morning commute, walking up New Jersey Avenue to the metro, listening to the song on my iPod and daydreaming about my wedding.  I remembered my daydream—which was a little different than the real day (different hair, different dress)—because I had played that daydream, a montage of our wedding day, in my head over and over and over again for months leading up to the big day.

While these aren’t terribly detrimental thought patterns to have, more just strange, it makes me think about other thought patterns we can get caught up in and stay in even if realities change: body image, money worries, family concerns. “I need to lose weight” or “I have no money” or “My family makes me stressed.”

We can change our thought patterns.  We’re in control of our thoughts and what pops into our heads. In choosing different thoughts, we can re-train our minds and re-program our thought patterns. We can choose thoughts that build us up, make us feel happy or confident or comforted.

If every time you think “I need to lose weight” or “I’m fat,” you change your thought to “my body is beautiful” or “I’m strong” or “I have amazing arms/hair/eyes/insert favorite trait here,” that will become the prominent thought related to your appearance.

If when you worry “I don’t have enough money” or “I wish I made more” or “How will I pay for that?” you remind yourself that “the money always comes” or “I can re-work my spending plan to allocate money for that” you will believe that the money always comes when it needs to and/or you are in control of your money not the other way around.

If you anticipate “family get-togethers are overwhelming” or “my sister/uncle/mom drives me crazy” but then remember “last we time we laughed until we cried” or “my mom knows me better than I think she does” you’ll significantly decrease your chances of getting overwhelmed or irritable.

We can choose our thoughts so we might as well choose ones that work for us. It may take some time to get the new thought pattern to stick, to become the primary thought associated with an experience, a person, a stressor. But if we keep at it, we can re-program our minds.

Now I don’t catch myself holding my breath for the proposal that already happened because I look at my ring and remember the proposal and how wonderful it was.  That I have what I hoped for. And because I’ve started listening to Just Say Yes when I’m in the car alone and thinking back to our actual wedding, when I hear our first dance song, I remember our first dance and the happiness that is tied with the song. Mostly it makes me think of Mike.

Sometimes our thought patterns change because life changes.  Sometimes we have to help them get there. Sometimes we choose to change our thought patterns because that’s all we can control in the moment. And other times, our life changes because our thought patterns change.  But that’s a topic for another day.

Extra money: make it then make it work for you

Posted on by jplatt27

I had some pretty exciting financial accomplishments in the month of March. I paid off my credit card, paid off my smallest student loan to accelerate my debt snowball, and signed up for a business workshop that’s coming to DC next month (and paid in full!). While I paid off the student loan and half of the business workshop with my salary and regular budget, I paid off my credit card solely with money I earned outside my 9-5.

Here are some ways I’ve made extra money this year:

  • tutoring–I’ve been tutoring for the last three years.  I currently have two students that I see on a weekly basis for an hour.  I stack the appointments so they’re one right after the other so it only takes up one week night.
  • house/pet-sitting–Mike and I are house-sitting for the week for one of the families I tutor for.  Not only is this a mini-vacation in a beautiful house, it’s also great opportunity for us to make some extra $$. I also cat-sat for a week in February, visiting the cat during my lunch hour.
  • baby-sitting
  • sold an old text book on Amazon

Here are some other ways to make some extra money:

  •  sell clothes on e-Bay
  • start an etsy shop
  • monetize a skill.  For example, my friend Amanda has great organizing skills (remember when she organized us after the bed bugs?).  I keep telling her that she should start organizing on the side while she finishes up law school.

But simply making extra money isn’t all you have to do to truly make the most of it. I’ve been tutoring for the last three years.  I’m sure I’ve made a couple thousand dollars or more in that time but it wasn’t until recently that I started capitalizing on this side income.

To make your side income really work for you, you have to do two things: capture  and earmark.

Until last fall I would put the cash in my wallet and deposit the checks in my checking account but not really use it for anything in particular.  I’m pretty sure I spent most of that money on food–lunches, coffee, random snacks, breakfast, etc.  What a waste!

But in the fall I set a goal to pay off my credit card. I decided to use my tutoring money to do this.  I earmarked the weekly income from tutoring for my credit card–allocating it before it even came in to one specific goal.

I’d capture this income by knowing the exact total of what I earned and making sure it didn’t get used.  Every Tuesday, I’d walk to the bank and deposit the cash and the check into my checking account. Then I’d get back to my desk and make a payment on my credit card. To capture money for a goal that you have to buy outright (like the registration for the workshop, or a new bag), I still deposit in my checking account and just make sure that I subtract that money mentally when figuring out my balance.

I was amazed at how quickly this income added up when I began to capture  and earmark.

I try not to think about how much progress I could’ve made in the past 3 years if I would’ve done this the whole time.  What’s done is done.  Can only look forward.

I encourage you to try the capture  and earmark method for a few months and see how many goals you reach. Maybe you have some debt you want to pay down or maybe you want to build up a small amount in savings. With spring here and summer on the way, maybe you have weddings coming up, plans to travel to see friends, or have your eye on a cute spring dress. Working this method will make you feel empowered and relieve some of the stress that goes along with big money goals. Go for it! Work it girl!

Let’s chat:

What are some ways you’ve made extra money?

What money goals do you have right now? What would you earmark money for?

I love a good brainstorm–share your ideas for earning and capturing extra money in the comments.

Breakfast at the table

Posted on by jplatt27

Yesterday morning, Mike took his breakfast (my favorite pancakes) and coffee to the kitchen table.  “Sitting at the the table this morning?” I said, hopefully. We always eat breakfast at home during the week but usually while watching The Today Show, Morning Joe, or Mike & Mike. We hadn’t really seen or spoken to each other for two days while Mike was working an event for his job and when he got home at 11pm and greeted sleeping me with a kiss my 1/4 awake response was “What, you’re not even going to tell me you’re home?” Welcome home, huh? The next morning, I was excited to chat, had so many things to share and Mike sitting down at the table told me that he was open to some conversation.

I love when we eat at the table together but it’s a rare occurrence.  We usually eat dinner eat on the couch at the coffee table while watching TV. But recently we’ve both realized that we should eat at our table more.

It’s amazing how much more we talk when we’re sitting across the table from each other–we’ll actually have a conversation. Not like we don’t chat when we’re on the couch but the conversation is much more engaging, much more of a dialogue when we’re sitting at a real table. On the couch, it seems like we’re just reporting out.

If you ever feel disconnected from your significant other, I suggest sitting down to dinner.

I think it’s really important for couples to sit across the table from each other and talk and listen.  Honestly, this is important for any people that are living together, family members, friends, roommates, whatever.  It’s easy to go about your business and not really talk. And doesn’t it feel so good to really talk?

I’d love to know:

How often do you eat at the table? Do you agree that sitting at the table facilitates better conversation?

go at your own pace

Posted on by jplatt27

While waiting in line at Starbucks yesterday morning, I overheard a conversation between a teenager and a middle aged woman. I imagine this was a college admissions interview and the woman was an alumna and the young man a high school senior. While the senior was talking about his experience running cross country, I was struck by two things he said and how they apply to so much more than running.

Keep your own pace

He said that in cross country it’s important to find your own pace and keep your own pace.  That when someone passes you it’s very tempting, almost innate, to want to run faster to catch up with him and then pass him, but you have to know your own pace and not use up all of your energy in one burst sprinting to beat the person in front of you. That you need to figure out a pace that you can maintain and just keep it at that.

You don’t have to be first to win

The teen also said that in cross country, you don’t have to be the first to win.  That simply hitting a personal best is an accomplishment in itself.

I think I may have gotten tears in my eyes as I heard this, thinking “wow, this is a great reminder for life.” It can be so easy to compare yourself to friends, coworkers, people from high school or college that you’re not friends with in real life but are friends on Facebook. If they’re getting married, buying a house, having kids, getting promoted, getting a Master’s degree, traveling, buying x, y, or z. And when we see people “passing” us it’s easy to want to sprint to catch up, and to put pressure on ourselves to find a boyfriend or buy a home or whatever. But doing so only expends unnecessary energy. It feels so much better if you’re doing it at your own pace, not sprinting to get to catch up to the person in front of you. And remember that just because you’re not the first doesn’t make crossing the finish line any less significant.

Resolutions: set yourself up for success

Posted on by jplatt27

On Friday, I shared my 2012 resolutions and my 2012 resolutions spreadsheet. When deciding on my resolutions, I thought about my intentions for this year and what I wanted to achieve and then thought about what steps I could do to make them be my reality this time next year.

Have you made any New Year’s resolutions or goals yet? It’s not too late, you know. But I’m sure you don’t want them to be like this:

If you haven’t made your 2012 resolutions yet (or if even if you have), here’s some tips to help you set them (or revise them) to set yourself up for success.

When writing resolutions or setting any type of goal you want it to be SMART:

Specific–make the goal something very specific

Measurable–make the action item something you can quantify

Attainable–you want a goal that is actually within your reach

Realistic–set goals that you know you can meet or are just a bit of a stretch

Time-bound–set a time frame for your goal

For example: If your intention for 2012 is to lose weight, you’ll want to set SMART resolutions that support that intention coming true. So instead of saying “go to the gym” a SMART goal would be go to the gym 3 times per week for 45 minutes. This is

Specific–saying what you will do for how long and how often

Measurable–you can say whether or not you achieved this

Attainable–if you have a gym membership or means to get one this would be attainable

Realistic–3 times a week is do-able whereas every day may not be

Time-bound–there’s a time period in which to measure this.

And that’s that. Then you go on working toward it.

I’d love to know:

What are your SMART resolutions or goals for 2012, this month, or this week?

If you want help setting smart goals, leave a comment below or shoot me an email at thingsafterrings@gmail.com. I’m happy to help.

6 great wedding gifts

Posted on by jplatt27

While most brides would say they want cash or something off their registry, I know some people feel uncomfortable giving money or towels.  They want to give something more special and personal.  Here’s a list of gifts we received that were not on our registry and that I loved/appreciated.

Painting of the church we were married in

My aunt and uncle gave us this water color painting of the church we were married in.  In my thank you note, I wrote “we’ll hang it in our new apartment and be reminded of the joy of our day when we walk by it.”  And sure enough when Mike put it up, it made me smile with delight and joy and gratitude for my new husband.  In addition, it helped make our new apartment feel like home.

Wine rack and bottles of wine

We registered for wine glasses and my creative and thoughtful friends Leslie and Bridget gave the gift a personal touch.  With the wine glasses, they gave us a wine rack and two bottles of wine.  They selected bottles of wine that relate to newlywed issues: Clean Slate and Tempra Tantrum and attached notes to them explaining when to open them.

Love and wine grow better with time

Open your home to entertain and eat, 

catch up with old friends and new ones to meet.

When the night is over share this bottle of wine, 

but don’t sit down yet–it’s clean up time!

~

Love and wine grow better with time

When fights occur as they sometimes will

and tempers are steaming hot,

pour a glass, take a sip, and be thankful for what you’ve got.

For in a marriage if everyone agreed life would be a bore,

and by asking for Joanna’s hand, Mike is surely in for more!

We haven’t opened the bottles of wine yet, we haven’t had a massive fight (woohoo) or entertained much (goal for December?) but I’m looking forward to it. Edit: when I originally drafted this post we hadn’t opened either bottle.  After the bed bug incident we broke into one.

Flowers

This sweet, colorful set of seeds and pots came from my best friend and bridesmaid Amanda via Red Envelope. I haven’t planted them but I’m looking forward to it. (Note: until midnight tonight get 10% off using the discount code KANE (courtesy of my favorite radio show)).

Mr. and Mrs. Aprons with Newlywed Cookbook

This set also came from Amanda via Red Envelope. This was the perfect gift for us.  We love to cook together, it’s one of the things that keeps us connected, and we always cook from a recipe.

Williams-Sonoma Bride & Groom Cookbook Set

Still love this gift from my friend Jordan.

Night at Bed and Breakfast

My girlfriends from college got us a night at a B&B in Virginia, about an hour from the city.  We spent the night at Stone Manor B&B in October and enjoyed relaxing together.  It was so nice to get a break and some quality time out in the country.

Thanks, everyone!

I’d love to know:

Did you get any gifts that weren’t on your registry? Were they good or bad?

What’s your favorite gift to give a newlywed couple?

Advice on moving in

Posted on by jplatt27

My sister and her boyfriend are moving in together for the first time next semester.  After talking to some different people and hearing horror stories about couples that move into together and then break up, they asked me for my advice on moving in together. Here’s what I came up with (in no particular order):

  • Make sure you have quality time.  Whether it’s a date night, cooking dinner together, or watching a show once a week, make sure you spend quality time together.  It’s easy to be together but not really be present with one another.
  • Make sure you have alone time.  While it’s important to do things together, it’s also important to do your own thing.
  • Figure out how you’ll pay the bills, both where the money will come from and how the bill will logistically be paid (online, check, who will do it). When I lived with roommates in college, we’d leave the bill in the return envelope with a stamp in front of the door with a post-it of how much each person owed and the due date.  Last person to put their check in dropped it in the mail.
  • Pick your battles. Most likely there will be a bunch of habits that randomly irk you when you move in with someone new.  Whether they leave dishes in the sink, leave the bath mat soaking wet, or leave their dirty socks wherever they take them off, figure out which one drives you the most crazy and choose that one. Then communicate that preference to your partner in a polite way.
  • Be patient. It takes time to merge living experiences. Heck, we’ve been living together for 3+ years and we’re still working things out.

I’d love to know (and so would my sister):

What advice would give to a couple moving in together?

Do your own thing

Posted on by jplatt27

When you live with someone–roommate, boyfriend, husband, whoever–it’s natural to want to be with them, to want to do things together when you’re both there. Maybe you want to go to Trader Joe’s or watch a TV show or go to the gym. Maybe you want to stay up late or wake up early. And you want your significant other to do the same. It’s unlikely that you’ll both want to do the same things all the time.  And that’s ok.

It’s ok to spend some time apart, to do your own thing.  Not only is it ok, it’s actually healthy. Because when you take time for yourself to do what you want to do, spend your time in the way you want to, you give yourself time to think and recharge. Then, when you come back together you’ll be more of yourself, able to give your full attention to your partner.

Though Mike and I have been living together for three years now, we still find ourselves struggling with this sometimes. Or at least I do. Especially on weekends when we don’t have set plans. Though I wake up very early on weekends and want to start my day, I often find myself waiting around to see what Mike feels like doing. And we go back and forth over what to do and I find myself weighing what I would do on my own and what we would do together. But our ideas of a nice Saturday morning aren’t the same.

So I’m proud of myself for doing what I want to do this morning.  I woke up early, laid in bed thinking for a while and decided to get up and head to Moderntimes Coffeehouse at Politics & Prose for some writing and blogging with a bagel and coffee. I’m here now with a full belly, writing this post and then drafting some posts for the upcoming week.  After this I’ll go to Body Flow, one of my favorite gym classes, to stretch and relax and rejuvenate, and to follow one of my November goals.

While I’m doing this, I’m sure Mike is still in bed, watching ESPN, the History Channel, or re-runs of Mad Men on A&E. He’ll move to the couch, have some breakfast, and watch an episode of John Adams on Netflix.  Then he’ll shower and head to play hockey in the White House Roller Hockey League. And he will do all of this without me bothering him.

When we see each other this afternoon, we will both be in good moods because we were able to spend our Saturday mornings the way we wanted. We will be energized, and happy, and excited to see each other.

It’s easy to want to do everything with your partner from errands or chores to watching TV or taking a nap. It’s also exhausting to make that happen and have both of you have your needs met.  So go ahead, do your own thing.  Spend a few hours apart even when you have no set plans.  Your mind, your mood, and your relationship will be better for it.

take long walks together

Posted on by jplatt27

my husband’s mom wrote this on an advice card at my bridal shower. she said “take long walks together once in a while because that’s when you really talk.” we went on a few walks this weekend: to starbucks and to the capitol to throw the frisbee. and this advice proves to be true. conversation flows much more freely and continuously when we’re walking. we talked about the future and our new apartment. he’s more open and talkative and it’s really nice to just talk and have him initiate bigger conversations.