056: Heart to Heart on Marriage

Posted on September 18, 2018October 15, 2018 by jplatt27

Advice for newlyweds, finances, being single, perceptions of marrying young #marriageadvice #marriedlife #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #podcast #relationshipcoach #marriagecoach #familylife #journalprompt #writingprompt #dailyjournaling

This month’s heart to heart is on the topic of Marriage. In this episode of Love Always, Jo I’ll be answering questions about advice for newlyweds, finances, being single, and the perceptions of marrying young.

Journal Prompts:

What are good things that are happening in your life?
Who does your inner critic think you need to be now that you’re a wife?
How can you enjoy this season you’re in right now?
How can you love where you’re at in your life right now?
If you loved your life what would change for you? How would you act differently, think differently, show up in your relationships?

Quotes:

Marriage is not set it and forget it
Monitor your connection
Marriage takes effort, attention and intention
Don’t put your marriage on autopilot
You are still just as valuable and lovable as you’ve always been no matter what stage of life you’re in
When you know, you know
You don’t have to have all the answers
Change is a good way to illuminate that patterns you’re in

What is your best advice for newlyweds?

When you ask someone how married life is going often they’ll say it’s the same and that nothing has changed. However, something does change, there is a subtle shift in your relationship. Often you’ll feel more deeply committed to your partner, with men in particular, they feel more responsible for you and need to provide for you in that way. Honor the change and identity shift and know its okay if you feel those deeper feelings that people don’t often talk about. Create space in your life to reflect on it.

Also, watch what your inner critic thinks about who you should be now that you’re married or who your partner should be ( i.e. you should be happy, newlywed phase or there are challenges you didn’t expect). Be careful with what you project on yourself and onto your partner.

The last thing is that marriage is not set it and forget it. Happily ever after is a thing, but you have to be intentional about it. Make sure you monitor your connection with your spouse. Marriage takes effort, attention and intention.

Should the amount of time I spend with friends change now that I’m married? Should I spend more time with my partner and less time with my friends?

If the amount you’re spending with friends works for you and your partner, go with that. If friendship is a high value of yours you need to continue to prioritize that. It’s great that you’re cognizant of your husbands needs, so if you aren’t sure, ask them and create the space for them to answer honestly. Give them time to answer because chances are they haven’t fully thought about that yet, so give them a couple days to process and get back to you.

Another thing to ask is, is your partner’s love language quality time? If it is then ask them what it looks like and how much quality time they actually need versus quantity time.

There’s also a chance that your inner critic is telling you that you need to spend less time with other and have less fun now that you’re a wife. My inner critic thinks I need to be a 1950’s wife, but my husband doesn’t even get home until 7:30, so a lot of those things my inner critic thinks I should be and do, isn’t grounded in reality. So you need to ask yourself, who does your inner critic think you need to be now that you’re a wife? What roles and expectations, are they true? Do you want to be that person? Does your spouse want you to be that person?

How to talk about money without tension (without the conversation going off the rails)?

This is a tough one. We still personally struggle with this, but we’ve gotten better at it. Money is about security, safety, survival, stability. And it’s about values and getting your needs met.

That means that your inner critic is right there at the front wanting to advocate for whatever you need, it’s not your true self but your protector. You can’t have a productive conversation from that place.

Tip 1: Watch how your fight or flight response kicks in during these conversations. Remind yourself that you are safe. Know it’s okay and normal for that response to happen. Even though we now have weekly money meetings, we still need to take breaks during the conversation because we still can get emotional or scared. There’s always more to learn and figure out about your money, yourself and your spouse. Give it time and know you may need to have multiple conversations about one topic.

Tip 2: Split your money conversations into 2 parts. In part one, talk about the heart stuff (what do you need, what do you want, etc.), then talk about the head stuff (nuts and bolts of the numbers — budgeting tool).

Tip 3: Use a budgeting tool. We use YNAB (You Need A Budget) to help use budget and manage our finances.

Note: I have a whole lesson on talking about money in my relationship course, Engaged. And, because so much of today’s conversation ties to things covered in that course, like money and inner critic in marriage, I’m giving you all $50 off of the course if you sign up before October 31, 2018. Use code lovealwaysjo at checkout. Go to joanna-platt.com/engaged to learn more.

These next two questions came in and I’ll answer them separately, but wanted to say that even though they seem so different, they’re both about fitting in and feeling left out or different. We all just want to belong and be confident about where we are in our lives. This is such a weird time in life. Until you graduate from college, everyone around you is at the exact same step. Navigating this time in your life is like balancing on a Bosu ball.

Can we talk about being the single at the dinner party? What about those of us in this shifting generation who always thought we’d be married in our 20s and are now adjusting to life as a party of 1 in a circle full of married friends.

Know that we love you and want you around. Regardless of what your relationship status is we love you and need you in our lives still. I love my single friends because it can be easier (or feels easier) to get quality time with them (quality time is my love language). You still add value to our lives. I love talking with my single friends, there’s a different pace of life and schedule.

Something similar actually came up for me recently. I found out that one of my friends is pregnant. A lot of my friends are starting families and we’re not. When I found out about it, I felt two emotions: like a failure and lonely. And happy for my friend, of course. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing. But I can’t make myself get there any sooner than I’m going to get there. I felt lonely because my friends were moving on to different steps and then they’ll be in different life phases then me and it made me think will they even want me or need me in their life anymore.

Here’s the thing. You are not a failure because you’re not married yet. Just like I’m not a failure because I haven’t started a family. And, we are still just as valuable and lovable as we’ve always been.

Ask yourself this question: How can you enjoy this season, knowing your person is out there somewhere and you will meet at the exact right time? How can you love where you’re at in your life right now? If you did love your life what would change for you? How would you act differently, think differently, show up in your relationships?

I think it would be interesting for you to share your perceptions on marriage culture in DC. I’m feeling like the odd one out for being married so young, whereas in the Midwest it wasn’t like that. And how people think marriage means sacrificing your individuality and potential advancement. I feel like I have to justify to others WHY I’m already married.

First things first — when you know, you know.

Secondly, watch your inner critic. Your inner critic probably wants you to do what everyone else is doing. I know mine does. That’s why me not having a baby after being married for so long has been very challenging for me emotionally. Remind your inner critic that it’s OK to get married “young”.

People in big cities tend to put marriage off longer than in other parts of the country. I think it’s because people in big cities are more focused on their careers and have more distractions. It’s just a different timeline, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right or wrong or that you’re not career focused if you get married young.

I also got married young. I got married when I was 25. Mike was 24! Being married has not made either of us sacrifice our individuality or potential advancement. He’s my biggest cheerleader and I’m his. Our marriage has been a space for us to grow and explore together and to bring our individual challenges and work through them. It’s a beautiful thing.

In last week’s episode, Jennifer Greer of Your Kickass Marriage said “Marriage and relationships should be spacious.” I completely agree. There should be space for both of you to learn and grow and reach your full potential.

Adjusting to change and not doing what you “should” do in marriage or home life

Mike recently changed his work hours to go until 6:30 every night. He doesn’t get home until 7:30. So we decided that we would do dinner separately during the week because I get hungry at like 4 and don’t sleep well when I eat later. This seems easy. But I got so sad and cried over this. Culture has been telling us that we need to eat together as a family in order to connect, so it’s been interesting navigating this change. It feels like standing on a Bosu ball trying to adjust to the new schedule. But looking back at how we used to do it I wouldn’t say it was necessarily working for us, but it was still an adjustment and change we had to work through.

Try it and see what happens, you don’t have to have all the answers. You can still have a very happy, connected, loving relationship even if you don’t have dinner together (or whatever your situation may be). What can you learn from this? What would happen if you got curious about this new normal? Even if you’re not the 1950’s housewife you’re still loveable and valuable.

Change is a good way to illuminate that patterns you’re in.

Two quick things before I let you go:

If you love this conversation and want to know more about my thoughts, advice, and guidance on marriage, I’ve put it all into my marriage course, Engaged. Get $50 off Engaged with the code lovealwaysjo when you sign up by October 31. Go to Joanna-platt.com/engaged to learn more.

Next month’s heart to heart topic will be on Doing It All. Send questions, thoughts, advice, or concerns on this topic to me here.

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adjusting to my name change

Posted on February 6, 2013 by jplatt27

I started this post last summer but never got around to finishing it.

It was so hard for me to change my name when I got married. Though I knew I wanted to change my name, it was an interesting transition filled with emotions.

First, I cried at the Social Security Office.

Then I didn’t want to tell my dad that I didn’t even keep my maiden name as my middle name. Like I “dropped” it? Ouch. That sounds harsh.

There was one point where I was meeting someone new for the first time and my maiden name just rolled right off my tongue and I had to correct myself and say “no, that’s actually not my name.”

And then going the other way, I was in Florida with LEM last January and the woman in Talbots asked me for my email address and I quickly blurted out joanna.platt@gmail.com. That’s NOT my email address, I don’t even know where that came from!

And then I was picking up a book at the library held under my last name and I went and started looking at N.

But now, just a short year later, I’m totally Joanna Platt. I’m very comfortable with my new name. I own it.

I am Joanna Platt.

Wow, even typing that it seems like such a bold statement. But that’s who I am.

It doesn’t sting anymore when I see my new name in my dad’s handwriting, it’s not uncomfortable when I look on Facebook and I don’t have the same last name as my little sisters. I confidently sign my name and introduce myself.

I think the transition comes from time and also from being more comfortable with myself, who I am, and who I’m becoming.

As I think about next steps in life, start a business, and dream about what the future holds, I am Joanna Platt.

Still the girl I’ve always been but new in many ways.

promise me we'll be weird

Posted on July 25, 2012 by jplatt27

While I was preparing for my vision board party, Mike was helping me make some cookies. I don’t remember what possessed this, maybe I needed a laugh, but I said “I have an idea. Why don’t I make a rule where for the next 10 minutes, you can only speak in rhyme?”

Mike was quiet for a little while but then after about 45 seconds, he said a line in rhyme. And I giggled. And we kept going.

And now it’s kind of our thing. We just rhyme randomly. And laugh.

Then, earlier this week we were in the kitchen doing dishes after dinner and I was packing up the leftovers for lunch when in a loud random voice I said “the lunch.”

Mike started laughing and when I asked what he was laughing about he said “I was just going to start singing and it would’ve been really embarrassing.”

Because I want to protect my husband from more public shame, I told him I wouldn’t share the song he then broke into. But, it was hilarious. So funny and silly. I was giggling up a storm.

We kept making up more lyrics to this song that had to do with lunch and leftovers and dishes. And we kept cracking up.

I’m still struck as we laugh and laugh and laugh by how good it feels to do so.

And as we laughed and laughed, made up more lyrics, and laughed and cheered at each other’s good rhymes, I said to Mike

promise me we’ll always be weird.

I never want to stop laughing like this. How many adults did you see being silly or weird when you were a kid? I didn’t see many.

When we’re “grown up” and have kids, I don’t want to stop giggling and joking around with my husband. As we take on more responsibility in years to come, I still want to have good clean fun like this. I want to laugh. I want us to still be weird.

It takes work

Posted on June 27, 2012 by jplatt27

I was telling my co-workers about how Mike came to help me finish the dishes the other night because he didn’t want my great day to end in grumpiness.

“Wow,” they said in response. That’s good. Almost too good.

And while Mike is pretty amazing in almost every way and we’ve been going strong for 9 years, this relationship, like all relationships, takes work. Every day, it takes work.

We’re still learning what we need to be for each other and as we each continue to grow and change our needs evolve as well.

We are very different people in a lot ways–raised to express emotions differently and react to situations in ways that sometimes seem to be exact opposites of each other, and our overall demeanors, the way we process information, and the way we see the future are sometimes worlds apart.

And that poses a challenge.

The other night Mike was reacting to a situation that wasn’t going the way he wanted it to go. My initial reaction was to encourage him to get his frustration out. To fuel the fire, to get him to yell and release the stress. Which he did a little bit. He verbalized his frustrations and I continued to try to draw more feelings out of him.

But he wanted to just move on and turned our TV show back on.

And then it hit me: instead of trying to flame his anger, he needed me to say “you know, it’s fine the way it is. You don’t need to feel bad about this.”

And as I said something along those lines, I could tell that was in fact exactly what he needed from me.

We don’t always get it right the first time. We’re still learning how to respond to each other and to read each other in different situations.

I don’t imagine that this will ever change. That our relationship will be completely effortless. As we go through life together, we’ll always be working to be attentive to each others needs, which may change over time.

We’re ok with that.

Imagine having a baby

Posted on June 21, 2012 by jplatt27

Friday night Mike and I were out to dinner and I had this thought “I can’t imagine us having a baby right now.” (Yes, I realize this seems contradictory to what I told you two weeks ago.)

For some reason this image of us carrying a baby in a car seat walking down Barrack’s Row popped into my head as I sat at a high-top table in the window at Matchbox, enjoying a glass a wine across from my husband on a gorgeous Friday evening.

Initial Reactions

OMG, I can’t imagine carrying a baby around, I thought. I can’t imagine having to worry about someone else 24-7.

Half the time I’m too tired to wash the dishes after dinner, where will I find the energy to take care of a baby?

I can hardly get myself together in the morning; I’m always doing a million things. How will I be able to get a baby ready for the day when half the time I’m rushing to get a lunch together before I head out the door. (I almost missed the bus the other day because Justin Beiber was on the Today Show. I mean, hello?! Does that sound like mom material to you? I think not.)

I know that you make room in your life for a baby, that your routine and schedule just shift to make it work. But I don’t want to not be able to do things we like to do because we have a baby and his or her schedule trumps everything.

And no, of course your life doesn’t have to stop when you have a baby. You can still be social and do things, just take the baby with you.

I was actually surprised and inspired by the number of couples I saw with babies strapped on them as we hiked in Great Falls. Yes! I want that to be us. I want to still be out and about when we have a baby.

I’d love to hold a baby and cuddle with a baby–someone else’s baby that I can give back. That would be nice.

But having a baby indefinitely… I can’t wrap my head around that.

After thinking about this for almost a week, here’s why…

I enjoy my life as it is right now and feel like I’m on the cusp of some major self discovery. I struggled a lot after college graduation trying to figure everything out and felt very lost at times. But I’ve learned so much about myself in the last 6-9 months, and am starting to see the light at the end of my quarter-life crisis tunnel. I’m really enjoying this time, being selfish and focusing almost all of my energy on myself and what I want.

When I imagine having a baby, I’m older and have my act together. I have a solid routine, my apartment is clean. I’m full of energy. I can stay up til 10. I imagine I’m like 35 or what I think I’ll be when I’m 35: totally with it and put together. I like to feel like I’m with it and put together right now and that I’ve got a lot of things figured out, but where I’m at currently and the level I see myself at when I’m a mom are a few steps apart.

And right now, I’m really enjoying the process of figuring it all out.

_____________________

[as you can imagine I have many more thoughts where these came from…perhaps a part II and even III are in order]

wouldn't it be nice?

Posted on June 15, 2012 by jplatt27

Today’s post is inspired by a post Jo wrote last week about annoying things her husband does and things she does that irritate her husband. I agree with Jo that this is a totally normal experience. There are things that Mike does that bother me and things that I do that drive him crazy.

Wouldn’t it be nice if my husband…

didn’t chew ice | didn’t let sports dictate his life | wasn’t a wimp around bugs*?

Wouldn’t it be nice if his wife…

didn’t snore | could watch a movie for more than 20 minutes at a time

didn’t drop everything for a text | didn’t space out so often?

*this actually isn’t annoying, just causes me to seriously roll my eyes

Join in the fun!

What are some things that your significant other does that annoy you?

how we celebrated one year

Posted on May 30, 2012 by jplatt27

We had an amazing three day weekend for our anniversary.

Here’s what we did during the weekend to celebrate:

Saturday morning we got up and got bagels at Bethesda Bagel in Dupont Circle. Best bagels in the city and amazing veggie cream cheese.

Then we drove out to Great Falls, Virginia for a hike. I teared up when we got our first look at the falls. We chose to hike the River Trail, a little bit of a rocky terrain right along the Potomac River. It was amazing. We hiked a bit on our honeymoon and this took us back there a bit.

Saturday night we went to the steakhouse at the W (we went there the night we got engaged too!). We were treated so well. The food was outstanding and the service matched it. I got a delicious drink–passion whiskey sour–went out of my comfort zone a little bit with this one and it was so worth it. Mike said this was one of the top three meals of his life.

After dinner, we went to the rooftop terrace at the W for a drink and to take in the view. Still one of our favorite places in DC.

Monday morning (our actual anniversary) we walked to Georgetown Cupcake. On your first anniversary you’re supposed to take the top layer of your wedding cake out of the freezer, defrost it, and eat it. Since we had Georgetown Cupcakes instead of a cake, we went and got a red velvet in lieu of a frozen top layer.

It was a great weekend, filled with love and fun. A great first anniversary. I’m looking forward to many many more.

Happy Anniversary, Mike!

Go to bed angry? Or don't?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by jplatt27

At my bridal shower, guests were able to fill out cards with wedding advice for me. One of the most listed pieces of advice was “don’t go to bed angry.”

I understand the thought behind this–you want to go to bed every night at peace with your spouse. And why continue the argument the next day if you could resolve it and move on from it so as not to have two unpleasant experiences back to back. It makes sense.

And I think when we were dating I would’ve agreed with this. I wouldn’t have wanted to get off the phone or go to bed mad at him or with him mad at me. I would’ve wanted to talk it out or fight it out and passionately resolve everything before going to sleep.

While I get this advice in theory, in practice I’m not so sure.

Sometimes going to bed angry can be a good thing. It can give you time to cool off and collect your thoughts so that you can articulate better your feelings. I’ve found that when I go to bed angry I’ll wake up the next day and it will take me a little while before I remember “oh, I was mad at him last night” and usually the feeling is just gone.

Maybe we don’t have serious enough arguments or do things that make each other angry.

Maybe there’s a difference between angry and annoyed and this advice is for when you’re truly angry.

I asked Mike what he thought last night and he agreed that it’s OK to go to bed angry. I reminded him that when we were dating he was a big proponent of this advice and he said that I was too but that time has shown us that sometimes it’s better to sleep on it.

We will disregard this piece of marriage advice and see where we end up.

What do you think??

Let’s discuss:

Don’t go to bed angry. Agree or disagree?

Home Alone

Posted on April 20, 2012 by jplatt27

I’ve written here before about how important it is to do your own things in a relationship. I spend a decent amount of time doing my own thing each week. From drinks with girlfriends to tutoring, from morning workouts to mornings at the coffee house, I’m often out and about without Mike. Last week I was reminded of another thing I like to do without Mike and actually probably need a little bit more of in my life: hang out at home. alone.

Last Thursday, I was home from Girls on the Run by 5:30. Mike was at happy hour with former co-workers and wouldn’t be home til late. I made a quick dinner for myself, a lackluster quesadilla with salsa and ate it.

It was 6:00, probably earlier, and I had the entire night ahead of me. I had nothing to do. No tutoring, no coaching calls. Just an entire Thursday evening to myself. What would I do for 3 or 4 hours?

I started by taking a nice, long, hot shower. Took my good ‘ole time and enjoyed the warmth and relaxation of the water. While warm, my morning showers are usually pretty quick, I do what I need to do and get out so I can get on to breakfast.

I got out, put on my robe, and got in bed to read The Other Boleyn Girl. Within 5-10 pages I was sleepy and decided to take a nap. I napped for about half an hour, woke up, and read a little more.

I got out of bed and I can’t even remember exactly what I did next. I think I moved to the couch and read a little more. At some point, I sat down at my computer and started writing. I got a good bit of writing done. I did the dishes. I dried my hair. I got in bed around 9:30 and watched Downton Abbey on the iPad and went to bed. And it was wonderful.

It’s not like I can’t do any of these things while Mike is there. Of course I could. But when Mike’s around, I want to spend time with him, watch TV, relax. And if we are doing separate things, Mike’s probably watching TV or listening to sports talk or doing the dishes or something that is making some kind of noise. It’s not just him. I do the same things.

There’s nothing like being alone in your apartment. To be able to move around the apartment doing whatever you want when you want. You can read in bed and then move to the couch to watch TV and then listen to music and be on the computer. You can clean without worrying about making too much noise or moving around someone.

I remember having this feeling before: on a Sunday morning when Mike was off running some errands, I was able to lay on the couch and read my book. And the apartment was so quiet. This is bliss, I thought.

I need to make a point to have more periods of time like this.

Let’s talk:

When was the last time you were home alone? What’s your favorite thing to do when no one’s around?

A Wonderfully Ordinary Wednesday Evening

Posted on April 19, 2012 by jplatt27

Last night was a really good night. It may seem like it’s nothing special because it was just a Wednesday night at home but these kinds of nights are kind of out-of-the-ordinary for me. So, this ordinary, run-of-the-mill Wednesday night filled with normal things and with a blend of relaxing and productivity is very special to me.

Warning: this post is full of digressions and small details.

I got home from work and immediately sat down at the computer to do some writing. I even sat there with my jacket on for a little while. Usually I come home and change my clothes first. thing. But I was motivated and wanted to jot my ideas down while they were fresh so I did. I wrote for about 20 minutes or so until Mike got home.

I greeted him: “Hello! What are you doing?”

He responds: “Just walking in the door.”

Me: “Why are you laughing?”

Mike: “Because I just walked in the door, that’s what I’m doing.”

Riight.

Usually we get started on dinner right away but I suggested we get in bed for a bit. I took off my skirt and cardigan and climbed into bed in my underwear and blouse. It was one of those ahh, this bed is soo comfortable feelings where you just melt into the bed and your stress falls away. Mike changed out of his work clothes and joined me and had the exact same reaction until he said “can you move over? I’m not liking this…” I readjusted.

We basked in the glory of our comfortable bed and our little reprive. Mike said “My feet are cold, let me get in here” as he put his cold feet between mine. We snuggled in together.

I was about to doze off when he asked me how my day was.

“It was good,” I said sleepily.

“Now’s not a good time to chat?”

“No, I’ll chat. If I want to chat at all I better do it now since the Flyers are on tonight and you won’t be available then.”

I told him about my day, a small accomplishment at work. Then, he shared about his day. Then…

“Do I still have that thing in my nose?” I ask holding my nose open and pointing.

“What thing? I don’t see anything.”

“Like right there. I can feel it, it hurts kinda.”

“Close your nostril.”

We stayed in bed for a while chatting briefly and cuddling. This 30 minutes in bed was such a nice break from the usual.

I volunteered to make dinner while Mike relaxed on the couch. He was excited when I offered and I was happy to do it.

While making dinner I boiled some eggs, something I’d been meaning to do all week. And when I cracked them for breakfast this morning they were perfect.

Here’s the method we used from Real Simple. Yes, we had to Google because neither of us knew the right way and when I called my mom she didn’t answer.

It’s funny–that’s the first thing that comes to mind when I imagine my mom not being here anymore and me wanting to call her for something. That I won’t be able to call her to tell me how to boil an egg. And I never wanted to Google it because of that. But as I was thinking about this last night I’m like I Google a million other things. It’s fine to Google things there’s a method for. What will be really sad is when my mom isn’t there for me to call when I’m sick (like I did every day I was sick last week–she’s probably glad I’m better) or when I’m upset or need help with my future kids. It’s fine to Google how to boil an egg.

We watched an episode of Modern Family while we ate BLT’s. We’re watching from the beginning on Netflix. It was the Valentine’s Day episode in the second season.

Then I hopped up to do my project: make chocolate chip cookie dough peanut butter cups for book club on Friday. Mike did the dishes quick while I read through the recipe and collected the ingredients.

I worked happily on these little gems, squealing with delight as they started to come together. Mike was yelling in anger at the Flyers.

In between the three phases I wrote a blog post and did the dishes. I finished the peanut butter cups, finished the dishes, finished the blog post and got in bed to read.

Lights out at 9:55. Good. night.

I’d love to know:

What’s a great Wednesday night for you?

What are some things you call your mom for?