Tag: anxiety

just playing around

Posted on by jplatt27

Earlier this week I mentioned that I’ve been trying to play more. While it’s seemed a little scary at first, I’m getting into it! Here are some things I’ve done to play in the last two weeks.

I started doodling when I get home from work for a few minutes. Just sitting down at the kitchen table for 10 minutes or so. It’s been calming. Here’s my first doodle:

my first doodle--a sailboat on solid ground

It’s a boat on solid ground!

I didn’t set out to draw a boat. I actually started with the paper portrait orientation and drew a hang-man like upside-down L. Then I drew what became the sail and turned the paper sideways. Before I knew it there was a boat. And then there was a boat with grass underneath it.

Who knew there was going to be so much meaning/message to my first doodle.

One night last week, Mike and I played Scrabble.

Zen Scrabble

It’s not lost on me that the word “zen” was my highest scoring word in the game.

I also bought watercolors and some other paints. Here’s my first watercolor:

my first watercolor--a hot air balloon

Isn’t it so fun??

And lastly, Mike and I through the frisbee around at the Cathedral the other night before dinner. It was SO fun. I was running, running, running to get the frisbee, you know “going long.” I was smiling SO much. I kind of felt like a happy dog running to catch a ball in its mouth. It was so great.

Mike can catch the frisbee between his legs so I was trying to pick up that trick. No luck. (as you can imagine). Enjoy that visual, will ya?

I’m telling you, this play thing is no joke. It’s so good for the soul. So I challenge you, how will you play this weekend??

 

When anxiety breaks

Posted on by jplatt27

Before I went on vacation, I wrote about the separation anxiety I experience before leaving Mike. My anxiety “broke” the night before I left for St. Lucia: I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and spent so much energy doing so that I went to bed at 9:30. I spent the morning after reflecting on and journaling about my experience. I want to share a little bit about my anxiety with the hope that someone else experiencing what I do may feel that they’re not alone or so that someone that hasn’t ever experienced anxiety can understand a little better what it feels like.  The following is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote before I left.

_____________________

I’ve exhausted myself. My anxiety over leaving Mike came to a head on our date last night. I made it through the meal OK but any time Mike brought up the trip, I tensed up and would give one word answers. I didn’t want to talk about it. Because it reminds me of the anxiety. Everything came to a head in the car. And once the anxiety broke and the waves of tears came crashing through, I felt worlds better.  The tension that had been in my chest for at least 48 hours was released. Physically and mentally I felt completely different. But so did Mike.

In releasing my stress, I snapped at Mike a bit, saying things that got him angry and caused him to be defensive. As the tension in me subsided, the tension in him started to build. And he got frustrated and quiet. But when he took my hand walking up the driveway, I felt relieved, comforted. How I’d wanted to feel all night. 

I hate that I do this, that I have such severe anxiety that causes me to act this way.  I wish I could articulate to Mike how severe, how strong, and how deep the anxiety is. While I’m conscious of the anxiety, the feelings, the fear, the pain, the tension is completely subconscious.  No matter how much rational self-talk I give to myself, it doesn’t help. Because this isn’t something that I can choose.  These feelings run deep and they are strong and choosing to try and ignore them, to push them down doesn’t help. In fact, it only makes the outburst that much worse.

________________________

As Mike gets excited for his trip to Disney this weekend and my anxiety starts to settle in this morning, I hope that we don’t have a repeat of last week.  To prevent that, I’m being honest with myself about my feelings and communicating them to Mike.  I’m also trying to focus on how great it will be when he gets home. How excited we’ll be to see each other.

Oh, and we’re not going to spend $100 on a dinner date this time.