Tag: relationship

056: Heart to Heart on Marriage

Posted on by jplatt27

Advice for newlyweds, finances, being single, perceptions of marrying young #marriageadvice #marriedlife #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #podcast #relationshipcoach #marriagecoach #familylife #journalprompt #writingprompt #dailyjournaling

 

This month’s heart to heart is on the topic of Marriage. In this episode of Love Always, Jo I’ll be answering questions about advice for newlyweds, finances, being single, and the perceptions of marrying young.

Journal Prompts:

  • What are good things that are happening in your life?
  • Who does your inner critic think you need to be now that you’re a wife?
  • How can you enjoy this season you’re in right now?
  • How can you love where you’re at in your life right now?
  • If you loved your life what would change for you? How would you act differently, think differently, show up in your relationships?

Quotes:

  • Marriage is not set it and forget it
  • Monitor your connection
  • Marriage takes effort, attention and intention
  • Don’t put your marriage on autopilot
  • You are still just as valuable and lovable as you’ve always been no matter what stage of life you’re in
  • When you know, you know
  • You don’t have to have all the answers
  • Change is a good way to illuminate that patterns you’re in

 

What is your best advice for newlyweds?

When you ask someone how married life is going often they’ll say it’s the same and that nothing has changed. However, something does change, there is a subtle shift in your relationship. Often you’ll feel more deeply committed to your partner, with men in particular, they feel more responsible for you and need to provide for you in that way. Honor the change and identity shift and know its okay if you feel those deeper feelings that people don’t often talk about. Create space in your life to reflect on it.

Also, watch what your inner critic thinks about who you should be now that you’re married or who your partner should be ( i.e. you should be happy, newlywed phase or there are challenges you didn’t expect). Be careful with what you project on yourself and onto your partner.

The last thing is that marriage is not set it and forget it. Happily ever after is a thing, but you have to be intentional about it. Make sure you monitor your connection with your spouse. Marriage takes effort, attention and intention.

 

Should the amount of time I spend with friends change now that I’m married? Should I spend more time with my partner and less time with my friends?

If the amount you’re spending with friends works for you and your partner, go with that. If friendship is a high value of yours you need to continue to prioritize that. It’s great that you’re cognizant of your husbands needs, so if you aren’t sure, ask them and create the space for them to answer honestly. Give them time to answer because chances are they haven’t fully thought about that yet, so give them a couple days to process and get back to you.

Another thing to ask is, is your partner’s love language quality time? If it is then ask them what it looks like and how much quality time they actually need versus quantity time.

There’s also a chance that your inner critic is telling you that you need to spend less time with other and have less fun now that you’re a wife. My inner critic thinks I need to be a 1950’s wife, but my husband doesn’t even get home until 7:30, so a lot of those things my inner critic thinks I should be and do, isn’t grounded in reality. So you need to ask yourself, who does your inner critic think you need to be now that you’re a wife? What roles and expectations, are they true? Do you want to be that person? Does your spouse want you to be that person?

 

How to talk about money without tension (without the conversation going off the rails)?

This is a tough one. We still personally struggle with this, but we’ve gotten better at it. Money is about security, safety, survival, stability. And it’s about values and getting your needs met.

That means that your inner critic is right there at the front wanting to advocate for whatever you need, it’s not your true self but your protector. You can’t have a productive conversation from that place.

Tip 1: Watch how your fight or flight response kicks in during these conversations. Remind yourself that you are safe. Know it’s okay and normal for that response to happen. Even though we now have weekly money meetings, we still need to take breaks during the conversation because we still can get emotional or scared. There’s always more to learn and figure out about your money, yourself and your spouse. Give it time and know you may need to have multiple conversations about one topic.

Tip 2: Split your money conversations into 2 parts. In part one, talk about the heart stuff (what do you need, what do you want, etc.), then talk about the head stuff (nuts and bolts of the numbers — budgeting tool).

Tip 3: Use a budgeting tool. We use YNAB (You Need A Budget) to help use budget and manage our finances.

Note: I have a whole lesson on talking about money in my relationship course, Engaged. And, because so much of today’s conversation ties to things covered in that course, like money and inner critic in marriage, I’m giving you all $50 off of the course if you sign up before October 31, 2018. Use code lovealwaysjo at checkout. Go to joanna-platt.com/engaged to learn more.

 

These next two questions came in and I’ll answer them separately, but wanted to say that even though they seem so different, they’re both about fitting in and feeling left out or different. We all just want to belong and be confident about where we are in our lives. This is such a weird time in life. Until you graduate from college, everyone around you is at the exact same step. Navigating this time in your life is like balancing on a Bosu ball.

 

Can we talk about being the single at the dinner party? What about those of us in this shifting generation who always thought we’d be married in our 20s and are now adjusting to life as a party of 1 in a circle full of married friends.

Know that we love you and want you around. Regardless of what your relationship status is we love you and need you in our lives still. I love my single friends because it can be easier (or feels easier) to get quality time with them (quality time is my love language). You still add value to our lives. I love talking with my single friends, there’s a different pace of life and schedule.

Something similar actually came up for me recently. I found out that one of my friends is pregnant. A lot of my friends are starting families and we’re not. When I found out about it, I felt two emotions: like a failure and lonely. And happy for my friend, of course. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing. But I can’t make myself get there any sooner than I’m going to get there. I felt lonely because my friends were moving on to different steps and then they’ll be in different life phases then me and it made me think will they even want me or need me in their life anymore.

Here’s the thing. You are not a failure because you’re not married yet. Just like I’m not a failure because I haven’t started a family. And, we are still just as valuable and lovable as we’ve always been.

Ask yourself this question: How can you enjoy this season, knowing your person is out there somewhere and you will meet at the exact right time? How can you love where you’re at in your life right now? If you did love your life what would change for you? How would you act differently, think differently, show up in your relationships?

 

I think it would be interesting for you to share your perceptions on marriage culture in DC. I’m feeling like the odd one out for being married so young, whereas in the Midwest it wasn’t like that. And how people think marriage means sacrificing your individuality and potential advancement. I feel like I have to justify to others WHY I’m already married.

First things first — when you know, you know.

Secondly, watch your inner critic. Your inner critic probably wants you to do what everyone else is doing. I know mine does. That’s why me not having a baby after being married for so long has been very challenging for me emotionally. Remind your inner critic that it’s OK to get married “young”.

People in big cities tend to put marriage off longer than in other parts of the country. I think it’s because people in big cities are more focused on their careers and have more distractions. It’s just a different timeline, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right or wrong or that you’re not career focused if you get married young.

I also got married young. I got married when I was 25. Mike was 24! Being married has not made either of us sacrifice our individuality or potential advancement. He’s my biggest cheerleader and I’m his. Our marriage has been a space for us to grow and explore together and to bring our individual challenges and work through them. It’s a beautiful thing.

In last week’s episode, Jennifer Greer of Your Kickass Marriage said “Marriage and relationships should be spacious.” I completely agree. There should be space for both of you to learn and grow and reach your full potential.

 

Adjusting to change and not doing what you “should” do in marriage or home life

Mike recently changed his work hours to go until 6:30 every night. He doesn’t get home until 7:30. So we decided that we would do dinner separately during the week because I get hungry at like 4 and don’t sleep well when I eat later. This seems easy. But I got so sad and cried over this. Culture has been telling us that we need to eat together as a family in order to connect, so it’s been interesting navigating this change. It feels like standing on a Bosu ball trying to adjust to the new schedule. But looking back at how we used to do it I wouldn’t say it was necessarily working for us, but it was still an adjustment and change we had to work through.

Try it and see what happens, you don’t have to have all the answers. You can still have a very happy, connected, loving relationship even if you don’t have dinner together (or whatever your situation may be). What can you learn from this? What would happen if you got curious about this new normal? Even if you’re not the 1950’s housewife you’re still loveable and valuable.

Change is a good way to illuminate that patterns you’re in.

 

Two quick things before I let you go:

If you love this conversation and want to know more about my thoughts, advice, and guidance on marriage, I’ve put it all into my marriage course, Engaged. Get $50 off Engaged with the code lovealwaysjo when you sign up by October 31. Go to Joanna-platt.com/engaged to learn more.

Next month’s heart to heart topic will be on Doing It All. Send questions, thoughts, advice, or concerns on this topic to me here.

 

Advice for newlyweds, finances, being single, perceptions of marrying young #marriageadvice #marriedlife #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #podcast #relationshipcoach #marriagecoach #familylife #journalprompt #writingprompt #dailyjournaling

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055: Advocating for Your Own Needs in Your Marriage with Jennifer Greer

Posted on by jplatt27

Advocating for Your Own Needs in Your Marriage with Jennifer Greer #marriageadvice #marriedlife #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #podcast #relationshipcoach #marriagecoach #familylife

 

In this episode of Love Always, Jo, Joanna interviews Jennifer Greer, a certified professional marriage coach and love leader at Your Kickass Marriage. Jennifer has been fascinated by relationships since she was a child, so it’s no surprise that she’s studied familial, platonic, and romantic relationships throughout her academic and professional careers. As a marriage coach, she helps her clients create a highly conscious relationship with themselves and their spouse. Jennifer says:

“Soul work and global healing is what I do. Marriage is simply the vehicle through which it’s performed. Just as my husband and I healed our wounds and our own broken marriage, I get the opportunity to experience this same miracle happening in the lives of my clients and community every day. Because of this, I’m one #blessed woman.”

 

In this episode Jennifer and I discuss…

  • Knowing what your needs are
  • Learning how to set boundaries
  • Owning your own crap and letting your spouse own theirs
  • Being an empath
  • How to get out of the hole you’re in and prevent it from happening again
  • How to communicate your needs to your spouse

 

Follow Jennifer:

 

Recommended Book:

  • The Highly Sensitive Person in Love by Dr. Elaine Aron

 

Journal Prompts:

  • What do you need right now?
  • What are you gaining by being a fixer?
  • What is it costing you to be a fixer?
  • Do you want to get out of the hole you’re in?
  • What does self-care look like for you?

 

Quotes:

  • Own your own crap — Jennifer
  • It’s not always on you to fix everything — Jennifer
  • Your problem is that you think you need to fix everyone else’s problem — Jennifer
  • Check in with yourself to see what you need right now — Jennifer
  • People go through seasons of challenge — Joanna
  • It’s okay to feel the lows with the ones you love without needing to feel responsible to fix it — Jennifer
  • Feel your feelings without letting them own you — Jennifer
  • Take responsibility for your own actions, feelings, and thoughts — Jennifer
  • No one can make you feel this way unless you allow them to — Jennifer
  • Don’t judge yourself for being in the hole you’re in — Jennifer
  • Acknowledge the pattern — Jennifer
  • You don’t always have to be in control; Trust the process — Jennifer
  • The path out of the hole will be unique to the one in it — Jennifer
  • You’re on the path you’re on because you led yourself there — Jennifer
  • Practice communication and what your needs are — Jennifer
  • Your partner doesn’t know what they don’t know — Jennifer
  • You’re not responsible for anyone else’s boundaries — Jennifer
  • Prioritize your relationship with yourself — Jennifer
  • You’re responsible for your own well-being — Jennifer
  • Self-care looks different to everyone — Jennifer
  • Marriage and relationships should be spacious — Jennifer

 

Advocating for Your Own Needs in Your Marriage with Jennifer Greer #marriageadvice #marriedlife #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #podcast #relationshipcoach #marriagecoach #familylife

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049: July Q&A

Posted on by jplatt27

 

This month’s Q&A questions come from Brit and Dave. In this episode of Love Always, Jo I actually didn’t get any questions for me so I thought it’d be fun to have my husband Mike answer some questions for me. In this episode, Mike answers questions about what it’s like to be married to a life coach, how to stay positive, and choosing a job that makes you happy.

 

Links:

 

Quotes:

  • Things don’t always have to be the way you were taught that they should be – Mike
  • If you numb one feeling you numb all the feelings — Brene Brown
  • May everyone find something in their life that makes them feel the way the Eagles winning the Super Bowl makes Mike feel — Joanna
  • Do what makes you happy and not what you think you should be doing – Mike

 

Journal Prompts:

  • What does resistance sound like in your head?
  • When things aren’t going great in life what are things that you can look at and say yeah but look at ____.
  • What parts of Mikes story do you relate to
  • Where can you be more supportive of yourself
  • What checkboxes are you working toward that you don’t feel aligned with

 

Follow Mike:

Instagram

 

What is it like being married to a life coach?

You get the full range of emotions pretty much every day it’s really good Joanna’s helped me get through a lot of stuff that I don’t think another partner would be able to do. I’m really grateful it’s your superpower.

 

Assuming that you feel resistance to feeling your feelings, what does your resistance “sound like” in your head? What does it say when you’re edging up against emotions you don’t necessarily want to deal with? And then what helps you push past those thoughts and face your emotions? — Brit, @jammarketinggroup

 

(Mike) We talk a lot about numbing and there’s a distance to feeling things you don’t want to feel turns into numbing and that’s doing something mindless or grasping for something you don’t need but feels comfortable to help deflect some of those feelings and feel like you’re in a safer space. It’s like when I turn on the news and just veg out it’s distracting me from stress or anxiety about work.

 

Resistance in my head sounds like avoidance— ‘you can deal with it later’ but not really believing it because it’s still weighing on you. So using things like turning on the news to distract from stress or going out to eat so I’m not sitting at home stuck in my head.

 

What helps me to push past it is time, there’s only so long you can numb out for before you realize you have to face it and just do it. Sometimes things at work stress me out so when I come home I tend to resist thinking about what’s going on the next day or the things on my to do list I have to do. It turns me into a procrastinator which I’m not which is something I really hate the idea of.

 

(Joanna) I took Brit’s new online test to determine what your marketing personality is and through that I learned I’m a P (which is super free flowing) and Mike is a J (which is structure and routine) which makes sense as to why you’re not (or don’t want to be) a procrastinator.

 

You recently made a career move that was pretty brave, can you tell us about how you made that choice?

 

(Mike) The deeper thing for me would be that I have a fear and hatred of being wrong or not knowing how to do something when people expect that I know how to do it. That’s what would give me stress at work; I’ve always been really good at my job and as I started moving up in positions I’d get around more and more people who were older than me and had more experience which would cause me to feel partially like the weak link. And that would exacerbate the things that would cause the anxiety of “I don’t know what I’m doing” and those feelings would lead to the daily numbing out because I didn’t want to be in the situation again.

 

In my last job from day one, I felt that I didn’t know what I was doing and then it essentially bottomed out/came to the surface and I started to have breakdowns feeling that the weight of the company was on my shoulders. It started because there was the daily numbing and escapism of looking at jobs that weren’t in DC anymore. Once I started to face it head on I hired a life coach (Kristen of Clarity on Fire) and it helped give me outlets and come up with solutions to mitigate the intense feelings and help me get through the days and weeks. It helped me get clarity on what I wanted to do next. Part of what I did was write down my core desired feelings— that was the start of figuring out what I wanted and was something I used to help evaluate future job opportunities I was having.

 

How do you stay positive all the time and how are you supportive of Joanna and others. Do you have tips about how others can be as supportive to others? — Dave – @dclands

 

(Mike) I think I’ve always been a generally optimistic person, so I think the positivity and stuff come naturally to me. Being able to be so supportive of what Joanna’s doing now is a result of our relationship and I think she’s taught me that there’s a different path to life than what we’ve been told. Things don’t always have to be the way you were taught that they should be. Or the way that is “normal”. The idea of Joanna being a life coach isn’t anything we were exposed to growing up; dads went off to work at a 9-5, moms stayed home, very middle-class upbringing. You assume you’ll grow up, go to college, get a job, buy a house, and have kids. I think in our relationship Joanna taught me you don’t have to do that, you can do things intentionally and it doesn’t have to fit the mold that everyone else is doing. If it’s right for you then it’s the right thing.

 

(Joanna) You have a very live and let live attitude which I think also helps with that.

 

(Mike) When you’re numbing out that’s not a time to be supportive. If you’re numbing yourself out then its much harder to be optimistic, fun, and supportive of someone else because you don’t want to deal with anything. A tip would be to be conscious of when you’re numbing out and then try to get yourself out of it so you can have the bandwidth to hear what’s going on with someone else.

 

(Joanna) When you’re in a constant battle with your inner critic believing that you have to live your life a certain way, you’re also putting that lens on everyone else. So one thing you can do to be more supportive of others is to be supportive and compassionate with yourself. That will help you be more present and shift you out of the numbness/judgmental feeling.

 

I think it was really brave of you to make the change in your job. Can you share how you had the courage to make the change?

 

(Mike) I started my new job a month ago and for the first 10 years of my career it was straight out of college and I just wanted to keep moving up and was very focused on titles and feeling like I was working for the right company or organization. I had the umbrella that I wanted to do public service, which is why I worked where I did. And in the past 5 years when I was at my last job I had the opportunity to get promoted and became a manager for the first time in a high-profile job in our CEO’s office. Through that, I got the opportunity to join a leadership development program which is all about developing me and the others in my cohort for future VP roles in the company. You move through different jobs in the company so that when the time comes you’re ready to be a VP in the company. In the last few years, I started having a push-pull feeling realizing that I didn’t want to work. I work because I need money to do things outside of work, which isn’t something I’d felt until a few years ago. It boils down to the fact that I had a literal plan of where I was going and what I needed to do to get to the next position and I didn’t enjoy the process. Probably because I wasn’t doing anything anymore it was more strategy/big picture. So I started looking for a new job outside the organization and I started thinking if I don’t want to work but I have to do something, what do I actually want to do? The work I always got the most satisfaction out of when I sat down at my desk was task-oriented work, like administrative work. I’d rather have a dozen small things to do a day rather than one big thing to do each day. I put things on to do lists just to mark them off sometimes.

 

So I reached out to a recruiting firm that specialized in that type of work and started going down the path of an executive assistant. For me it was what I liked doing and I get satisfaction from the work I’d do. An opportunity came up at rapid speed (less than 3 weeks from interview to hire) and since I made the move my quality of life has improved greatly. I feel like I’m back in the right place for me. I don’t feel like the weight of the company is on my shoulders anymore and at the end of the day I can look at my to do list and feel satisfied that I completed something. It feels natural, like it’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

 

(Joanna) How’d you get there internally?

 

(Mike) While it didn’t feel like a risk, it did feel like a big decision but knowing how stressed I was and how much it was impacting me I knew it wasn’t sustainable. I finally feel like I can actually enjoy my weekend, not dreading Monday and having to go back to work.

 

Love Always, Jo is about lighting you up and relishing your joy—so Mike, what is making you glow from the inside out?

(Mike) The Eagles won the SuperBowl—I still can’t believe it actually happened. From watching the Eagles play 20+ years you get to a point where you don’t think it’s ever going to happen and to see the way they won it. The reason why I’m beaming when talking about it is that I’m really interested and passionate about sports. It’s such a part of who I am and being a fan of those teams is such a part of my identity and the identity of Philadelphia sports is not one of winning a lot, so the pure joy of the thing you’ve put so much time and emotions into that you have no control over and have come to fruition after 25 years is pretty amazing. It’s perspective changing.

 

What have you done recently that changed your morning workout game?

(Mike) I used to force myself on a morning workout routine because I don’t like working out in general and knew I wouldn’t do it at the end of the day. But a morning routine wasn’t working for me because I need time to wake up. One day I realized what if I flipped my morning routine and allowed myself to wake up, have coffee and then go workout? Since flipping that I’ve been able to keep that routine for about 6 weeks.

 

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043: May Q&A

Posted on by jplatt27

 

This month’s Q&A questions come from Brit and Miranda. In this episode of Love Always, Jo I’ll be answering questions about your inner child, making the workday more mindful, and starting new habits.

 

Quotes:

  • The needs of our inner child can be simple yet profound.
  • Being mindful is about consciously choosing what you’re doing and focusing on and reacting less
  • Being happy doesn’t have to threaten your relationships

 

Journal Prompts:

  • Think back to when you were 5, 8, 10, 12. What was going on in your life then? What did you need? What did you wish for?
  • What was the biggest threat to your well being and happiness when you were little?
  • What do you wish you had when you were little?
  • What type of experiences, relationships, material things?
  • What did you do for fun?
  • What did you want to be when you grew up?
  • When did you lose track of time?
  • What’s your happiest childhood memory?
  • What was your biggest fear?
  • What was your biggest unmet need?
  • What did you need more of?
  • What did you need less of?

 

How can I reconnect with my inner child and get to know her better?

 

Your inner child is there, just under the surface, always. In a lot of ways, she’s running the show of your life—from your big life goals to your smallest desires to your biggest and smallest triggers.

 

Your big girl dreams and your big girl worries are all tied up in the dreams, desires, worries, and wants of your little girl self. They’re the same.

 

If you get triggered by something and you have really really strong negative feelings about something and you’re not sure why it’s likely that your inner child is having a reaction and your inner critic has jumped in to protect your inner child from feeling that pain again.

 

Ask yourself: what does this remind me of? When have I felt this feeling before? Chances are there is a scared, hurt version of you as a child hidden under there.

 

A client and I were recently talking about dating. She said that she went on a lot of dates and some that were even good, but they ended up not going anywhere. When we dug into this a bit, she remembered a time in 8th grade when she told a boy she liked him and in science class, this news got out and she was embarrassed publicly for it. At that moment, a protector was born, an inner critic that would pull her back anytime she liked a guy and prevented her from expressing her feelings for him. Clearly, this would hold a person back in a relationship.

 

The needs of our inner child can be simple yet profound. One of the most powerful experiences I’ve had with my inner child was a walk around the tidal basin and Jefferson Memorial. I was listening to a workshop, ironically about the inner child. At first, I sat and listened. Then I started walking and listening. Then I stopped walking and paused the recording to just stop and be for a little bit. I continued at this pace, walking a little, stopping a little, just as it felt natural to me. This was an important experience for me and my inner child because one of my unmet needs as a kid was quality time with my parents, a quiet uninterrupted time to just go with the flow.

 

Here are some questions to explore — Think back to when you were 5, 8, 10, 12…

  • What was going on in your life then? What did you need? What did you wish for?
  • What was the biggest threat to your well being and happiness when you were little?
  • What do you wish you had when you were little?
  • What type of experiences, relationships, material things?
  • What did you do for fun?
  • What did you want to be when you grew up?
  • When did you lose track of time?
  • What’s your happiest childhood memory?
  • What was your biggest fear?
  • What was your biggest unmet need?
  • What did you need more of?
  • What did you need less of?

 

Want to explore this topic more with me? Schedule a free call here.

 

Do you have any tips for making the workday more mindful?

 

Take breaks — Instead of going through the click routine of checking emails, texts, social media, etc. between tasks, do a lap up and down the stairs to get your blood flowing, take your lunch break away from your workspace, take colorful plates/bowls to work to put your lunch on, take a break to go for a short walk, stare out the window/outside for a few minutes.

Check in with your body — Do stretches every little bit or take a few minutes between tasks to do some deep breathing exercises.

Watch the number of tabs you have open on your screen and mentally

Turn off notifications — Put your phone in a drawer and turn your notifications off, also think about turning off any notifications that are on your computer so you can focus more on the tasks you’re doing. Give yourself permission to reply to emails at specific intervals rather than in between tasks.

 

How do you implement new and better habits into your life if you fear judgment from your friends and family?

 

Acknowledge the fear you have and that it’s the inner critic. Worrying what your friends and family think are your inner critics tactics of keeping you safe and small. It does it because it works. It projects your fears onto your friends and family so that you won’t reach new heights and be better. Your inner critic does this to avoid being shunned or damage relationships.

 

Think about this — by you changing your habits may actually make your friends and family happy…and they may even want to join you. Usually when we make changes, no one even notices for a while, because a lot of the changes we make (setting more boundaries, eating better, going to the gym) are inner changes first and outer changes second.

 

If your friends and family do have a reaction to the changes you’re making, realize that it’s their inner critic popping up in their life keeping them safe. Some things you can do:

  1. Don’t get defensive, just reiterate what you’re doing and remind them their relationship with you isn’t changing just because you’re going to the gym 3 times a week.
  2. Remind yourself why you are making the change.
  3. Find some cheerleaders to help you keep the change going.

 

If you want to talk about change and have someone to keep you accountable to the changes you want to make I’d love to hop on a call with you!

 

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Bearing Witness

Posted on by Kelsey Leetzow

Standing at a wedding recently, I thought “the only thing I have to do right now, the only purpose for me being here, is to bear witness to this moment. That’s why we’ve been invited here. To sit. To watch. To witness as these two people commit themselves to each other.”

Wow. How powerful is that? I don’t have to do anything. I just have to be here.

I think that’s actually the way it is with a lot of life. Particularly in relationships. You don’t have do anything. I mean of course you do. But one of the biggest things in marriage and in friendship and even in family is being witness to another person’s journey. To his or her life. To watch it and to say I see you.

One of my best friends had a baby recently. Of course, I’ve been putting pressure on myself to take all kinds of food over there since before the baby was even born. I’m sure food would be nice and welcomed. But most of all I think our friends just want to spend time with us. To hang out like we did before the baby. To be around and present while they navigate this new chapter. To bear witness to their journey.

On the flip side, I’ve got a friend going through a break-up. There’s nothing we can do to fix it. To put these two people back together. Sure we can help with some logistical things. We can provide meals or distractions. But more importantly than that it’s being there. We’re here. We see you. We love you. It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.

Every September, I get into a weird funk. I’m super moody and reflective. It’s like a dark night of the soul kind of thing. This weekend I was talking to some girlfriends about it and they were like oh yeah, it’s September already. You’ve gotten like this every September since we’ve known you. They can’t take away the emotional discomfort I feel in September, but them acknowledging and validating my experience — witnessing it — made me feel less alone.
Sometimes in life, you don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to fix it, you don’t have to make it better or take it to the next level even. You don’t even have to be the absolute best version of yourself. You just have to be there. To bear witness.

Yelling about carrots

Posted on by jplatt27

My husband threw my carrots away yesterday.

Yes, my carrots. We’ve been doing “his-and-hers” meal plan since the beginning of the year where we’re each responsible for our own meals. It’s awesome actually and I should probably write an essay about how great it’s been. But yes, my carrots.

Anyway, those were the carrots that I’d planned to use in my “what-I’ve-got-in-the-fridge” mason jar salads for lunch this week and when I went in the drawer and they weren’t there, I was not pleased.

“Did you throw my carrots away?” I said to my husband, knowing the answer is yes. He was sitting on the couch facing the kitchen and had this “ooo, yep, oops, sorry” look on his face.

I was pissed. And I let him have it. I raised my voice, yelling about the carrots and why did you have to throw away my carrots, they were good, I just bought them last week and you left the old carrots in there and why didn’t you throw away YOUR leftovers. You’ve got old turkey and green beans in there. I pulled out said turkey and green beans and put them on the counter. I was huffing and puffing and banging things.

It. felt. awesome. As the words were coming out of my mouth I felt so powerful. Slightly bad that I was yelling over carrots but also so good and so powerful because I was honoring my anger. Allowing it to be ok. My. anger. I felt super grounded in this booming voice that was coming out of me. I was cognizant of it and what I was doing, I was not at the affect of it.

Shortly into the banging Mike went into the bedroom and closed the door. I didn’t care. I could tell he wasn’t getting triggered, wasn’t taking it personally. He was simply getting away from my yelling. Good for him. He doesn’t need to sit there and listen to me scream and bang things around. I felt kind of bad that I let him have it but also not.

After a few minutes I went in the bedroom and got in bed next to him as a “I still love you, rant over” peace offering and it was all fine.

This whole thing lasted for about 10 minutes but it’s left a lasting impression on me. What I take away most from this experience was how good my anger felt and how cathartic it was to own it and let it be. Also, that I was angry, expressed that, and it wasn’t damaging or scary. I should note here that I’m really lucky that this crazy yelling didn’t trigger my husband. Things may have gone very differently if it did.

So this begs two questions:

1) how can I continue to own my anger and express it in the future?

2) how can I react similar to how Mike reacted? Not scared by anger and not taking it personally.

 

Something to note: In my yelling, I didn’t make any accusations about Mike as a person. I was simply yelling about the action of the carrots being thrown away. We’ve learned in our marriage not to use absolutes like “you always” or “you never” in arguments and we don’t attack the person’s character.

 

Here’s another post about things a significant other might do and how to handle them.

what is self care anyway?

Posted on by jplatt27

flowers journal

I’m a huge advocate for showing up as your authentic self and pursuing your dreams big and small. A key ingredient for that is self care. But what does self care even mean?

Self care is going to vary from person to person. There is no one-size fits all self care practice.

To figure out what self care means for you, ask yourself this:

What do you need to maintain a relationship with yourself?

This can be quiet time at least once a week,
Time to dance,
Painting your nails,
Saying no to things you don’t want to do,
A morning run,
Speaking your mind,
Cuddling up with a good book,
A warm bath,
Journaling,
etc.

Please note: Self care is not a luxury. Self care is a necessity.

So tell me in the comments, what does self-care look like for you? What do you need to maintain a relationship with yourself?

P.S. My inspiration list.

truth is, i’m an introvert

Posted on by jplatt27

If you know me in real life, you’d probably bet that I’m an extrovert. I’m very outgoing and love talking to people around me, including strangers.

Truth is I’m an introvert. While I can get some great energy from other people, I really need to be alone to recharge and I require a lot of alone time. Time spent reading, watching TV by myself, laying in bed and looking out the window. I need to start every day just with myself.

I feel pressure to go-go-go-go-go and hang with the group but I don’t like it and I’m certainly not my best self when I do that.

I feel a lot of guilt about this–that I don’t see my friends more and don’t see my family more (especially when we’re in PA) because I love them and I want them to know I love them (my love language is quality time, after all) and “if-I-did-love-them-I’d spend-every-minute-with-them-and-I-wouldn’t-get-tired.”

But I do.

Now that I’m realizing this and acknowledging it, it feels better. Because it’s not personal, it’s just me. Just what I need to be the best version of myself.

to have and to hold

Posted on by jplatt27
I’m on an airplane, heading to Iowa for a friend’s wedding. There’s a little boy in front of me, maybe three years old. He’s wearing footie pajamas and it’s clear he’s getting a little restless. It’s almost 10pm. Aww, do you want to sit on my lap? I wonder. It’d be so nice to hold a little kid in my arms.

And then this big, emotional thought hits me. Someday, I could have a little boy like that. And not only will he be mine and sweet and cuddly. But he will be Mike’s. The thought of having a little Mike to hold overwhelms me, fills my body with this deep emotion that I’ve never connected before.

I love holding my husband. Cuddling, hugging, holding hands. Being able to hold a smaller human that’s part Mike is almost too much to handle. The joy that will come of that fills my heart so much. I want to wrap my arms around this person and surround them with all the love in my heart the way I want to do/try to do with Mike, their future dad.

It feels like my heart is expanding in my chest to make room for this possibility, this reality. My throat starts to choke up because the depth of this is unspeakable.

When I think about having a baby, I always think about him or her as mine. I think about how Mike will be as a dad. How I’ll fall in love with him all over again when I see him holding our baby. But putting together how that baby will be part of my husband, will be his too, is a thought I’ve never consciously had before.

Tears stream down my face as I think about how special that will be. How amazing. The love I have for my husband and this future little person, little version of him, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anything like it.

Is this what Mike’s mom feels when she says she’s ready for grandchildren? Is this the feeling she’s looking forward to? If so, no wonder.

I think I’m starting to get it. That though kids come with so much uncertainty, so much risk, so many things you can’t protect them from, they are an expression of love. To create a child in that image, from that space, that place of love, has got to be unlike anything else in the world.

I’m looking forward to experiencing these things some day.

don’t cry. don’t say that.

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m a crier. I’ve always been a crier and will always be a crier. I cry in conversations with friends, I cry at commercials. I’ve cried at work, and in yoga class, and in church. This is all pretty normal for me.

So take it from me, when someone is crying, the last thing they want to hear someone say is “don’t cry.” Please don’t say that. It doesn’t do anything for the person crying. When you say that, it cuts off the connection.

When someone is crying, you don’t necessarily have to say anything. When someone is crying, you don’t necessarily have to do anything.

The best thing you can do for a person crying is hold space for their tears.

Tears are sacred. Don’t be scared of them. Let them come. And let yourself be present for the person shedding them, whether that’s you, a loved one, or a stranger.

 

P.S. A beautiful little short on the power of empathy. Please watch this.