Tag: relationship

i can't believe it

Posted on by jplatt27

I can’t believe it! My husband can not read my mind.

Things I’ve been thinking about for a while, he doesn’t know.

Things I’ve been thinking about over and over and over again, he’s hearing for the first time.  Woah.

It’s like if I don’t say it, he doesn’t know it.

But he’s my husband–shouldn’t he know these things?

I mean we sleep next to each other, we share a bed–how can he not know what I like, what’s got me stressed, what I’m most interested in at the moment? How can he not know when I’m totally at peace, when I’m full of anxiety, or when I’m experiencing pure bliss?

I don’t get it.

But, then again, I can’t read his mind either.

an early Christmas present for my husband

Posted on by jplatt27

We hit quite a bit of traffic on our way home for Christmas. Mike is a pretty even-keeled person, doesn’t really get worked up about things. But when it comes to traffic–not so much. He gets super grumpy and frustrated by it. He’ll start huffing and puffing, throwing his head back, you get the idea.

I don’t think we’d even hit Baltimore before I heard this comment: “Yep, time for more traffic, it’s been 5 minutes since we were sitting in traffic, it’s time.”  It was going to be a long ride.

Of course, I didn’t want to start my Christmas vacation on a grumpy mood and Mike didn’t either–we’d planned to take our time on Saturday morning and go to our favorite coffee shop before hitting the road.  I perused the bookstore for a few minutes on our way out (one of my favorite activities) and found three gifts!  Then, I was ready for a nice leisurely drive.

Then traffic hit.  I could feel Mike getting irritated as we crawled along.

And then it hit me: just because he’s grumpy doesn’t mean I have to be grumpy.  I can sit back and enjoy the ride–regardless of how fast or how slow we’re moving. So I did. I relaxed into my seat and into my thoughts and looked out the window.

I enjoyed the ride.  I really did.  I was so proud of myself for not taking on his mood.  I have a tendency to pick up other people’s energy but with that realization comes the power to make a different choice.  So I did.

Getting grumpy because Mike’s grumpy not only sours my mood, it doesn’t help Mike either. You know what they say “happy wife, happy life.” So I decided to be content, at peace even in the traffic and even with grumpy-pants sitting next to me, and decided to let Mike be in his mood–not trying to change it or tell him why it was silly. That’s like a double early Christmas present if you ask me.

 

 

marriage myth buster

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and I can already tell this is going to be a great read.

In the first chapter he explores myths about marriage.  I’m happy to share that I am a real life example of a myth buster.

Here’s the myth:

Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. p. 13

I’m not sure exactly how much of my crazy has come through on the blog but I can be a little nuts and sometimes a lot to handle.  Luckily, this isn’t keeping me from having a happy and healthy relationship.  And Gottman agrees that a little crazy doesn’t have to ruin a marriage or prevent you from having one.

“The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. What matters is how you deal with them. If you can accommodate each other’s strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”  –p. 14

When I read that in line to vote yesterday, I was like “yes! so true!” and showed it to Mike.

Talk to me:

How does your significant other handle your crazy? Mike handles my crazy with patience and love and by giving me space to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. 

How do you respond to his with caring, affection, and respect? I think I’m a little stumped by my own question, to be honest.  Again, I think it’s through space and listening. 

a powerful gift

Posted on by jplatt27

In coach training this weekend, I realized the best gift Mike has ever given me.

The greatest gift Mike has given me is the freedom to be who I am, accepting and loving me just the way I am.  As long as I’ve known him (since middle school), he has not tried to change me. He meets me where I am without judgement, only openness and love.

My first thought in response to this realization was pure gratitude and wonder.

Next thought: My wish is that I can give him the same gift in return.

Now I realize a gift even more powerful than either of these, one I wish to give as well.

I could give this gift to myself. Imagine if I gave myself 100% freedom to be who I am.  What if I began to love and accept myself as the person I am in this moment?

Most of the stress and unhappiness in my life comes from self-criticism.  From believing that I’m not good enough, that I should be more, do more.  That I should be x, y, or z, even though that’s not me. So imagine how wonderful it would be, how my life would change, if I was kind to myself.  If I was as loving and accepting of myself as Mike is to me.

Starting today, I will give myself this gift. And I will receive this gift from myself.

As I type this I’m a little scared. Like wow, this is a big commitment. But I have the power to make this change, one thought at a time. Though it won’t be easy, it will be worth it.

 

a realization from a sex dream

Posted on by jplatt27

The other night I had what seemed like a strange dream but was actually very telling.

I have to share the dream to give full effect.

In my dream…

Mike and I were making out pretty passionately in bed when all of a sudden Mike said “wait, I have something to show you.”  He stood at the end of the bed and started doing tai chi moves.  “I learned these for you,” he said. Immediately, my body went from hot to cold.  I was completely turned off. “Ok, you can stop now,” I said awkwardly.

When I woke up…

Weird, huh? I woke up thinking how bizarre the dream was.

And then I realized its meaning: I love my husband and am attracted to him exactly the way he is.

I’m always asking Mike to come to yoga with me, to read this personal development book or watch that inspirational spiritual or business video with me. I’ll push him think about his next career move and where he wants to be in 10 years. And I get a little frustrated when he’s not interested.

But these things aren’t Mike. Like not at all.

Frankly, if Mike was throwing a yoga mat over his shoulder on Saturday mornings or brewing coffee in anticipation of Super Soul Sunday that would just be weird. If Mike was throwing out ideas left and right about potential dream jobs or career moves I would wonder what was going on. Because it’s not him.

I fell in love with Mike and continue to love him just the way he is.  We are very different in many ways–he yells at the TV during Philadelphia sports games and agonizes over political debates while I yell about people not fulfilling their dreams and agonize over relationships.  But I think that’s why we work.

Bottom line is if he changed in the ways I sometimes want him to, I probably wouldn’t be turned on by it in the way I think I would.  In fact, I know I wouldn’t, it would just be weird.

Do you have things you wish your significant other would do or was interested in?  

Have you gotten messages from your dreams lately?

quality time in lieu of quantity of time

Posted on by jplatt27

Since my coach training started my weeknights are pretty packed. Between tutoring, coaching clients, and training calls, I have something every night Monday through Thursday.  This means that Mike and I don’t get a ton of time together during the week.

This actually hasn’t been a problem.  In fact, it’s been a gift.

For example, Mike and I get an hour and a half together on Wednesday nights between my calls and we’ve both started really looking forward to that time. We have dinner and cuddle on the couch and watch Parenthood. Though it’s nothing fancy, especially compared to the date nights we used to have every other Wednesday, this time is really special to us.

This time is earmarked as our time. I’m not blogging or reading or coaching or half paying attention to the show we’re watching while Facebooking. Nope, I’m totally in it.

For that hour and a half we are together, really together. And the quality time is so nice.

Between that and our weekly new recipe, we may be getting more quality time than we did over the summer. Time to talk, to connect, to really be with each other.

It’s nice to know that it’s not the amount of time we have but how we spend the time that matters.

perfect union

Posted on by jplatt27

I absolutely adore this reading.  I loved it when I read it the first time, I loved it when I heard it on my wedding day and mouthed some of the words to Mike, and I love it now, rereading it and knowing the absolute truth in the words here.

 

Union
by Robert Fulghum

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way.

All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks – all those sentences that began with “when we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will” – those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe”- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “you know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed–well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years.  

Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you.

For after these vows, you shall to the world, this- is my husband, this- is my wife.

 

 

*Photo credit: Amanda Kraft Photography

[two questions] friends in relationships

Posted on by jplatt27

Ooo, it’s tough getting back into the routine after a nice three-day weekend.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently so I thought friendship in relation to relationships would be a good topic for two questions this week.

How are you a friend to your s.o.?

I’ve been thinking about how to answer this question since I came up with it last night.  I guess the fact that I have to think about it makes it a good question?

Mike and I were friends for almost 5 years before we started dating junior year of high school.  Prior to dating, our friendship consisted mostly of phone conversations and notes back and forth during the school day.  I confided a lot in Mike during this time and always valued the advice he would give me because it was always very selfless.  I’d call him crying over a boy problem and instead of saying “he’s not good for you anyway, you should forget about him and go out with me” he’d console me and give me advice on how to handle the situation.  That’s something I’ll never forget about him and our friendship during those early years.

I think that’s one way we are friends to each other now.  When listening and offering advice and support and helping each other with decisions, I’ll take into consideration what Mike wants and what will make him happy and encourage him to make that decision even if it’s not my first choice.  And Mike will do the same.  As Mike just put it simply: you’ll support even if you disagree.

We’ve also become friends in a more fun sense.  We’ll do things together and spend time together as friends and not necessarily in a romantic way.  Mike will watch the Kardashians if I want to and we spent Sunday morning eating breakfast on the couch and watching a movie even though that’s not really my thing. We’ll go for a frisbee toss, or I’ll join him on a run.

What are your thoughts on couple-friends?

Couple-friends are a win-win!  I get to spend time with my husband and I get to hang out with my friends–two of my favorite things in one.  I love double dates. It’s really fun to be in a social setting with Mike.  While I make a concerted effort to see my friends, I sometimes unintentionally isolate Mike from my girlfriends because I so cherish girl time and then we’re really not in groups of people together very often. Couple friends allow us to be social together.

Friends that are friends with both of us are also amazing.  We don’t have a ton of these but it’s nice to have mutual friends that we both have individual relationships with.  Most of our mutual friends are guys. Not surprising as I sequester my girlfriends to myself.

Talk to me:

How are you a friend to your s.o. or how is your partner a friend to you? I’m honestly still thinking about my answer to this question.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be a friend and so I’m trying to evaluate my answer based on a definition I haven’t yet solidified.  I’m also having a hard time differentiating friend behaviors with husband behaviors–like where is the line? Our relationship is so rooted in friendship that it’s hard to know where one ends and the other begins. 

Thoughts on couple-friends?

 

I’m always open to more questions for two questions on Tuesdays.  Feel free to ask questions in the comments or on my Facebook page.  And if you haven’t done so already, like the page will ya?

two questions: money

Posted on by jplatt27

Back again with Two Questions, a series where I answer two questions about my relationship, married life, and other things that come up. Check out last week’s post about driving and dinner.

Who manages your money?

Both of us. We work together to manage our money and actually compliment each other’s strengths/interests. I’m good at and enjoy talking about money on a bigger scale: discussing goals, coming up with different ways we can allocate our money, and setting up our budget. I’m good at putting systems in place.  Mike is better at the micro part and managing our money on a more on-going basis.  Toward the middle and end of the month, he’ll crunch the numbers and figure out how much money we’ve spent and how much we have left to spend. This is wonderful and something I honestly don’t think about.

Mike actually suggested this question for this post and when I asked him how he would answer he said that I’m the thinker and he’s the executer.

As I type this I realize how this parallels how we do chores.  Mike is so much better about keeping up with things that need to be done pretty frequently like dishes, taking out the trash, straightening up, etc. I do chores when there’s a tipping point: the tub is really gross, we have company coming, the laundry is piling over and we have no underwear left, or I can’t stand the dust on my feet.

What are your biggest financial goals?

We have two: pay down student loans and buy a new car. I want to accelerate my student loan payments and pay more than the minimum each month. Mike wants to buy a new car.  We’re supportive of each other’s goals and are allocating money accordingly.  While we could wait a little while for either of these goals and focus just on one, I think it’s important that we’re both working toward something we want.  During our last budget conversation, Mike thought about letting the car thing go so we could accelerate our debt payments while we’re motivated but I didn’t think that was right and/or necessary.  I understand where he’s coming from and I appreciate his consideration but I don’t want Mike to put his goals on hold for me.  He said that we don’t need a car right now and could even go without one if our car died.  But just because we don’t need it doesn’t mean it’s not a goal worth pursuing.  Buying a new car means something to Mike and will bring him joy and satisfaction.  It represents something bigger–just like paying down my student loans represents something bigger for me.  And we were able to find money in our budget for both so we’re moving toward both.

 

Your turn:

Who manages your money?

What are your biggest financial goals right now?

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes.  You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation.  I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes.   And I do things.  I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked.  I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard.  Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife.  Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes.  Ok. That’s a very different statement.  We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships).  A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.