Tag: relationship

a new division of labor

Posted on by jplatt27

There’s a new division of labor in the Platt household!

After frustration over the dishes we came to a new agreement on chores, one that we are both super happy with.

Mike and I both do things around the house.  Mike does a lot of dishes and takes out the trash.  We take turns making the bed and grocery shopping (though Mike does more grocery shopping than me). I’m usually the one that vacuums and cleans the bathroom.

Mike does things that are more regular or have a natural tipping point and need to be done.  I do things that take a little bit longer but that can be done less frequently.

When we were chatting about the dishes, I assured Mike that I do things around the house.  That I do pull my weight.  “I woke up and did laundry first thing Monday morning after our trip because I knew you would do it first thing when you got home from work and I didn’t want you to have to stress about it.”

Mike said that he recognizes that I’m the one that cleans the bathroom and sweeps the floors and appreciates that.

I said that I’m much better with chores that I can do on my own time.

And that’s when Mike said “I have an idea!”

“How about I do the dishes if you do the laundry?”

I can not even tell you how quickly the stress and tension in my chest evaporated at that statement.

“Yes! That’s a great idea!”

(Apparently Mike hates doing laundry–which I honestly didn’t know and wouldn’t have guessed because he’s always so on top of it.)

So that’s what we’ve been doing.  For a few weeks now.  And it’s like the best thing ever.  I can’t even tell you.

Last week I saw the laundry piling up and I did a quick check of Mike’s underwear drawer to see how low he was getting (he was down to two pair) and I thought ok, gotta get this done.

5:20 on Friday morning I popped out of bed, took the laundry down, put 6 loads of laundry in (one of the serious perks about still living in an apartment and having a laundry room), came back up, got back in bed for a half hour, woke up, and changed the laundry on my way out to walk Zoe.  I drove over to Zoe’s house, took her for a walk, came back, got the laundry out of the dryers, and brought it upstairs.  I got ready for work and left for the day.  I folded the laundry when I got home on Friday night and put it all away.

Mike was thrilled it was done, I felt productive in doing it, and free to do it when I chose to, and I haven’t really worried about dishes since!

Win-win!

it's about the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

We had a little spat about the dishes a few weeks ago.

I was telling a friend about it and he said “maybe it’s not about the dishes. Maybe he wants to spend more time with you on something.” I asked Mike later if this was the case and he said:

“No, it’s about the dishes.”

Mike and I have differing thoughts on the dishes.  Mike wants them done as soon as possible after the meal and definitely before bed. I agree that I want them done but the timeline for me is more flexible.  Most of the time I would much rather do them in the morning. But having them done before bed is really non-negotiable for Mike.

I know this.  And I had been making a concerted effort with the dishes but it didn’t seem like that.

Mike felt like the dishes were always falling on him.  And most of the cooking.  I can’t say this is far from the truth.  We had fallen into a routine where Mike would cook and clean most nights.  But I would try to help with the dishes as much as I could.

Mike felt like he would do them and I would just help when I heard him doing them. Which wasn’t far from reality.  “But it’s because I don’t think about doing the dishes at night,” I told him.  “You don’t give me a chance to think about doing the dishes before you’re up and at ’em.”

“I’m working on it. But you have to give me time,” I said, “because this isn’t my priority I’m not just going to jump up one day and say ‘I just finished my last bite, I’m going to do the dishes!‘”

He smiled.

I said “And while I’m working on changing this behavior and making this more of a priority, one of two things has to give: either you do the dishes and don’t get angry that you are, or you relax and allow the dishes to sit until the morning when I’ll get to them.”

“I don’t mind doing the dishes.  I really don’t.  But it’s stressful when I feel like they have to be done at a certain time.”

But they really bother Mike.  Having them done before bed is a non-negotiable for him.

That’s when Mike came up with a brilliant solution.  One that immediately made sense for both of us and has taken the stress of the dishes off.

Check back tomorrow to see what we decided…

In the meantime, tell me:

Thoughts on dishes?

What’s your non-negotiable?  I’m honestly not sure I have one.  Not to this extent.  Mike may disagree with me on that though.

the line between encouraging and nagging

Posted on by jplatt27

Sitting at lunch on Sunday afternoon, tired from a long weekend but so happy I said to Mike:

so what do you want to do?

what do you want to be?

Mike has a great job but he still hasn’t found his perfect career fit just yet.  As I’m his number one fan and have so much confidence in him, and because I want this for everyone I love, I want him to find the perfect fit, to live up to his potential, to find the thing that will make him come alive. Because I love seeing him at his best.

But when a friend recently expressed concern about her boyfriend getting too comfortable in a job and getting stuck, my advice was this:

when the right thing comes along he will be stimulated and engaged and then he’ll make a move. 

As I was saying this I was thinking that maybe I should take my own advice.

I’m constantly wondering about Mike and encouraging him to find his “thing” and asking questions to get him thinking.

I was joking with my friends that Mike might actually pay me not to coach him, to just stay out of it.

But because he’s my husband I only want the absolute best for him.  I want him to be engaged and alive and happy.  I want him to be proud of the career path that he’s on and excited to share it with others. I want him to live up to his true potential and feel like he’s on top of the world.

While I’m only doing this out of love, the same way I do when I give my little sisters unsolicited advice, this behavior can create a rift between us, can make him feel pressured.

In this case I’m talking about work but this can also apply to fitness, health, parenting, family relations, hobbies, whatever.

So where is the line between encouraging your partner to move forward, supporting them where they are, and just being a nag?

I’m still trying to find the balance.

promise me we'll be weird

Posted on by jplatt27

While I was preparing for my vision board party, Mike was helping me make some cookies.  I don’t remember what possessed this, maybe I needed a laugh, but I said “I have an idea.  Why don’t I make a rule where for the next 10 minutes, you can only speak in rhyme?”

Mike was quiet for a little while but then after about 45 seconds, he said a line in rhyme.  And I giggled.  And we kept going.

And now it’s kind of our thing.  We just rhyme randomly.  And laugh.

Then, earlier this week we were in the kitchen doing dishes after dinner and I was packing up the leftovers for lunch when in a loud random voice I said “the lunch.”

Mike started laughing and when I asked what he was laughing about he said “I was just going to start singing and it would’ve been really embarrassing.”

Because I want to protect my husband from more public shame, I told him I wouldn’t share the song he then broke into.  But, it was hilarious.  So funny and silly. I was giggling up a storm.

We kept making up more lyrics to this song that had to do with lunch and leftovers and dishes.  And we kept cracking up.

I’m still struck as we laugh and laugh and laugh by how good it feels to do so.

And as we laughed and laughed, made up more lyrics, and laughed and cheered at each other’s good rhymes, I said to Mike

promise me we’ll always be weird.

I never want to stop laughing like this.  How many adults did you see being silly or weird when you were a kid?  I didn’t see many.

When we’re “grown up” and have kids, I don’t want to stop giggling and joking around with my husband. As we take on more responsibility in years to come, I still want to have good clean fun like this.  I want to laugh.  I want us to still be weird.

 

It takes work

Posted on by jplatt27

I was telling my co-workers about how Mike came to help me finish the dishes the other night because he didn’t want my great day to end in grumpiness.

“Wow,” they said in response.  That’s good.  Almost too good.

And while Mike is pretty amazing in almost every way and we’ve been going strong for 9 years, this relationship, like all relationships, takes work.  Every day, it takes work.

We’re still learning what we need to be for each other and as we each continue to grow and change our needs evolve as well.

We are very different people in a lot ways–raised to express emotions differently and react to situations in ways that sometimes seem to be exact opposites of each other, and our overall demeanors, the way we process information, and the way we see the future are sometimes worlds apart.

And that poses a challenge.

The other night Mike was reacting to a situation that wasn’t going the way he wanted it to go. My initial reaction was to encourage him to get his frustration out.  To fuel the fire, to get him to yell and release the stress.  Which he did a little bit.  He verbalized his frustrations and I continued to try to draw more feelings out of him.

But he wanted to just move on and turned our TV show back on.

And then it hit me: instead of trying to flame his anger, he needed me to say “you know, it’s fine the way it is. You don’t need to feel bad about this.”

And as I said something along those lines, I could tell that was in fact exactly what he needed from me.

We don’t always get it right the first time.  We’re still learning how to respond to each other and to read each other in different situations.

I don’t imagine that this will ever change.  That our relationship will be completely effortless. As we go through life together, we’ll always be working to be attentive to each others needs, which may change over time.

We’re ok with that.

Missing each other

Posted on by jplatt27

Yesterday morning I found myself texting my husband “I miss you.” No, he’s not out of town.  He’s here.  And I’m here.  But he agreed, “I miss you too,” he said.

We’ve actually spent a decent amount of time together this week. We were in the car quite a bit last weekend. We had dinner together the past two nights and watched quite a bit of TV together over the course of the week.  So how can we miss each other?

I’ve noted before that time together isn’t always quality time (along with other notes for living together). And the time Mike and I spent together was not quality time. Mike’s been preoccupied with work and I’ve just been down overall this week (hence the lack of posts) so we’ve been zoning out in front of the TV and not spending time chatting or connecting after work.

We go through periods like this where one or both of us is busy or preoccupied and our relationship is on the back-burner temporarily.  We’ll feel seriously disconnected and like we need to catch up with one another. Neither of us are unhappy or alarmed at this.  We simply recognize it for what it is and hope to reconnect with a date this weekend.

I’d love to know:

Do you ever feel disconnected from your significant other?  How do you deal with it?