Category: Married Life

Sex is for your body, not your mind.

Posted on by Kelsey Leetzow

I’m reading Pleasurable Weight Loss by Jena La Flamme and in it, she talks about increasing your threshold for pleasure.

I had that chapter on my mind when I had this mind blowing thought the other day:

Sex is for the body, not the mind.

I mean, duh. Men, if you’re reading this, you’re probably like what is she talking about? No shit. Why is there a blog post about this?

But women, you might get it.

If you’ve ever experienced a racing mind during sex, you know how life changing this thought is.

Sex is for the body, not the mind.

It’s not so you can be more loved. It’s not to check a box.

It’s for you to feel pleasure and your partner to feel pleasure, and in the process of this experience build your connection.

But first and foremost, pleasure.

So, the next time you’re in bed and your mind starts going going going worrying about is this good and should I do this or what about that or wow, I’m a good significant other for this, or when will this be over….STOP.

Remember that sex is for your body, not your mind.

And just like meditation, when your mind starts to wander (like it inevitably will…), bring your mind and attention back to your breath.

But in this case, bring it right back between your legs.

Your body knows exactly what to do.

 

My takeaways from a Super Soul Sunday on marriage

Posted on by jplatt27

This week’s episode of Super Soul Sunday was an interview with Rob and Kristen Bell, husband and wife authors of The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage.

Here are some of my takeaways:

Your marriage is only as healthy as the least healthy one of you.

Marriage is a creative act. I never thought of it this way before but I just love that. It gives marriage energy, makes it seem like an opportunity, something that is anything but stagnant. 

If it’s working right, marriage is a little space of unity and light. It’s inspiring. And that’s good for the world.

The power of sexuality is less as a search for something and more an expression of something you’ve found.

When you get married you get a second set of eyes. So during an argument ask: “What am I not seeing?” and “Tell me why you see it that way.” (The clip about how to fight well.)

There were so many nuggets of wisdom in this episode (and I’ve saved it on my DVR) but these are the ones that stuck out to me the first time I watched.

coffee date

Posted on by jplatt27

coffee edited

If we were having coffee today, I’d tell you I’m pretty much a genius (or a magician). Our kitchen sink wasn’t draining (probably because of bacon grease) and I put baking soda in and the water immediately started going down. It was like magic. I read somewhere a while ago about using vinegar and baking soda to unclog drains–the combination bubbles up like a volcano–so I was going to do that but we didn’t even need the vinegar. The baking soda alone did the trick. I did pour a little vinegar and boiling water in for good measure though. Anyway, so cool!

If we were having coffee today, I’d tell you I’ve been reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and it’s so good. Definitely a game-changer. He talks about resistance and how it comes up for all of us. Resistance especially comes up when you’re thinking about pursuing something that can have positive lasting effects for the long haul…

If we were having coffee today I’d probably rave about this kale salad. We made it for dinner on Friday and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. It was so delicious. So hearty and great flavors. We had some leftover and had it as a side with grilled cheese for lunch on Saturday. I keep asking myself when I can have it again. Mmm mmm mmmm.

If we were having coffee today I’d tell you about my birthday date. My birthday’s not til Wednesday but Mike and I celebrated yesterday. He bought me a beautiful dress that I’d marked in the Talbots catalog (you can see the top a bit in the picture above) and we got dressed up and went to brunch at the Tabard Inn.

And last but not least, if we were having coffee today, I’d probably tell you that Mike and I started watching The Killing this weekend and we’re hooked. I really enjoy having a series to watch like this, especially one that I can watch with Mike. It becomes our thing and we can spend quality time together watching. If you have suggestions for series we should put on our list for after this one, do tell!

What would you tell me?

P.S. Thanks to Emily for this post idea. I really love it!

caught between now and then

Posted on by jplatt27

We were driving back from the grocery store and I was daydreaming about when we have a house someday and have family and friends over for meals all the time. Our home is cozy and welcoming and we always have people around, always feel loved.

We drove by the Cathedral and I noticed a man taking a picture. I looked and saw the Cathedral lit by a setting sun. It was sad and beautiful. In that moment I got nostalgic for the life we have now.

I think the emotions of this moment were enhanced by this song that happened to be playing on the radio, Trace Adkins’ You’re Gonna Miss This:

Before she knows it she’s a brand new bride
In her one bedroom apartment and her daddy stops by
He tells her it’s a nice place, she says, It’ll do for now
Starts talkin’ about babies and buyin’ a house
Daddy shakes his head and says, Baby, just slow down

Cuz’ you’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast

These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this

I know I’ll miss this place and this time when we move away. Miss the hustle and bustle of the city. The beauty of the National Mall and my favorite drive down Rock Creek Parkway along the water. I’ll miss the lazy weekend mornings at home, breakfast at the coffee table and the huge windows that greet me when I walk in the door. I’ll miss the days of just the two of us. I imagine I’ll look back on this as a time when life was simple and easy, when our cares were minimal.

But I still yearn for a future time when I don’t feel as isolated. When our weekends are filled with family and friends around our table and our house is filled with the warmth that comes with a home-cooked meal.

And so I feel sad. Sad because in yearning for that, I’m wishing this time away.

But I guess the good news is that now is good and then will also be good.

 

the real process of a wedding

Posted on by jplatt27

All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks – all those sentences that began with “when we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will” – those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe”- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. ~Union by Robert Fulghum, one of our wedding readings

Writing our vows was one of the most powerful things we’ve ever done. It was also one of the scariest.

Vow Ideas

We sat in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, trying to put together the thoughts we had each jotted down separately into promises we’d build our marriage on. It was intense. I remember looking at him and sharing things I’d never said out loud before about what he meant to me and what I hoped for our future.

Trying to articulate something you feel so deeply is tricky.  Opening your heart, really putting yourself out there, even to someone you love so deeply and have known for so long isn’t easy. You feel vulnerable, raw even. Just thinking about this experience I’m getting that “I-don’t-want-to-cry-and-am-holding-back-tears” feeling in my throat. It was more than two years ago.

How often do you actually express what you value as a couple, how you want to love each other, what your hopes are? You don’t really. Many things just go unsaid or assumed.

Whether or not you plan to write and say your own vows in your upcoming wedding, or whether or not you’ve already said “I do,” I think this act of sitting down together to write promises, to share what you love about your relationship and the qualities you want to define your relationship in the long run, is a powerful one. It’s one that may make you feel exposed and vulnerable but one that is really worth it.  It’s an intimate experience that brings you together closer than you’ve been before. It certainly brought us together in a deeper way than ever before.

Talk to me:

Did you/would you write your own vows?

Would you have a conversation with your husband or wife now? If so, what promises would you like you make to your spouse?

 

 

my brave husband and the conversation no woman wants to have

Posted on by jplatt27

A Tuesday night cuddling on the couch turned into a conversation no woman wants to have.

Mike: Want to go to the gym with me in the morning?

Me: No. No gym for me.

Mike: Yeah, I noticed you haven’t been to the gym in a while.

From there, he went on to express concern about my sabbatical from the gym and my subsequent weight gain and the impact of both on my health.

I’m speechless. This is a girl’s worst nightmare. I think I almost laugh because I feel so uncomfortable. I don’t know what to say.

Part of me is frustrated. Part of me is just so embarrassed. And I’m like crap, what am I supposed to do with this information?

I don’t want what I do or do not eat* and how often I exercise to be about my husband. I want it to be about me. Decisions I want to make for myself not because I want a pat on the back.

I thanked Mike for saying something. It’s something I’d been feeling myself–that my body wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I’d been feeling fat. Most of my clothes don’t fit. But I’m so focused on my business right now that I put my physical health on the back burner. I was letting myself go a bit. I also acknowledged him for saying something because it takes courage to bring something like this up to your wife.

I was really stunned by the conversation and cried in bed when Mike left the room.

The next morning I felt pretty bad. I wasn’t sure what to do with this conversation. I decided to keep it to myself rather than share it with a friend on gchat or blurt it out to a colleague first thing. I wanted to take this seriously and to give myself time to process. I also didn’t want to fall into negative energy for the whole day.

I ended up telling a friend at happy hour, let myself be vulnerable and cry a little bit, share my embarrassment.

The next morning I decided I’d move more and stop eating when I feel full. I’m not going to go crazy and put pressure on myself to hit the gym every single day or go on an intense diet.

It hurt to hear that from my husband. But I’m so glad he told me. If he didn’t, who would?

I’m grateful he brought it to my attention. Literally just brought it to my attention. Now that I have this awareness, I will be more conscious about my behavior and make different choices. Actually make choices. I had gotten into the trap of not thinking about it at all.

I think what Mike did was really brave. Because that was a hard conversation to have. But he loves me and he cares about me. And I know that. This conversation demonstrates that.

 

P.S. Have you liked Love Always, Jo on Facebook? If, not, go over and click like now!

a relationship secret ingredient?

Posted on by jplatt27

I had a great conversation with a friend about our relationships the other day. We found the when we feel happy with ourselves, when we’re at our best, our relationships with our significant others are better.  The more attracted I am to myself, the more I’m aligned/connected with my true authentic self, the more attracted I am to my husband.

I’m serious about this. This feels so good.  So so good. Our relationship is better, our connection is better, the sex is better–and more frequent!

I feel like we’ve uncovered a secret relationship gem.  One of the many magic bullets.

So, OK. Knowing this secret ingredient, how can we use it to our advantage?

Well, under what circumstances do you feel most like yourself? In what situations are you, you? Got it? OK. Now create those for yourself as regularly as possible.

I imagine this goes both ways. So, how can you encourage your significant other to be himself? How can you put yourself in situations where your husband feels confident and alive, where his true self, that amazing person you fell in love with can come out? Got it? OK, great.  Make that happen.

And report back, will ya?

thoughts from Juliet

Posted on by jplatt27

I was flipping through some old journal notes and came upon this quote  I jotted down from The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. It still resonated with me when I reread it so I thought I’d share it with you.

“I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.” ~Juliet, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, page 8

Two questions:

1) Thoughts on the passage?

2) Have you read this book? I read it around Christmas time and really enjoyed it. It’s told through a series of letters and it’s interesting to see how the plot and characters develop through notes to and from different characters.

thought a day

Posted on by jplatt27

Mike got me a thought-a-day journal for Christmas. It’s a five year journal and for 5 years you write one thought a day.  When you get back to the beginning, you write year two’s thoughts under year one and so on. Wow, it’s crazy to think we could’ve filled two of these in the time we’ve been together.

I love the idea of this.  It’s neat to think about all that will change in the next five years–we’ll have new jobs, a baby or two, be living in a new place.  Think about the people we’ll meet, the places we’ll go, the things will do.  I know I’ll treasure this gift even after it’s all filled up.

How it’s going

You’d think this would be easy.  It’s a simple journal–you only have to write one or two thoughts per day! You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty and spend 45 mins scribbling all the details of your day.  It’s meant to be quick and painless.

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I usually wait until right before bed to write my thought, at which point my thought is usually “I’m so tired.”  I don’t want an entire journal filled with “I’m so tired today.” Maybe writing down thoughts throughout the day would help and then I could choose a thought. Another option would be to write a thought first thing when I wake up the next morning.

It’s also kind of hard to choose one thought.  One thought that sums up the day.

I realize I’m probably over-thinking it (as I do with a LOT of things). I think I need to just enjoy it. Write if I want. Don’t put pressure if I don’t have a thought or I forget.

How quickly I forgot what I’ve learned about journaling…

adjusting to my name change

Posted on by jplatt27

I started this post last summer but never got around to finishing it.

It was so hard for me to change my name when I got married. Though I knew I wanted to change my name, it was an interesting transition filled with emotions.

First, I cried at the Social Security Office.

Then I didn’t want to tell my dad that I didn’t even keep my maiden name as my middle name. Like I “dropped” it?  Ouch. That sounds harsh.

There was one point where I was meeting someone new for the first time and my maiden name just rolled right off my tongue and I had to correct myself and say “no, that’s actually not my name.”

And then going the other way, I was in Florida with LEM last January and the woman in Talbots asked me for my email address and I quickly blurted out joanna.platt@gmail.com. That’s NOT my email address, I don’t even know where that came from!

And then I was picking up a book at the library held under my last name and I went and started looking at N. 

But now, just a short year later, I’m totally Joanna Platt. I’m very comfortable with my new name. I own it.

I am Joanna Platt.

Wow, even typing that it seems like such a bold statement.  But that’s who I am.

It doesn’t sting anymore when I see my new name in my dad’s handwriting, it’s not uncomfortable when I look on Facebook and I don’t have the same last name as my little sisters. I confidently sign my name and introduce myself.

I think the transition comes from time and also from being more comfortable with myself, who I am, and who I’m becoming.

As I think about next steps in life, start a business, and dream about what the future holds, I am Joanna Platt.

Still the girl I’ve always been but new in many ways.