Tag: emotions

choose your thoughts

Posted on by jplatt27

For months, maybe even a year or more, after we got engaged, I still wondered when Mike would propose.  Things like surprises, dinner dates, random Tuesdays when he walked in the door after work, I’d still find myself thinking “maybe he’s going to propose.” I had been so accustomed to thinking this way, had been waiting for engagement longer than I’d been engaged and that thought pattern stuck.

The same thing happened with our first dance song.  After our wedding, whenever I heard our first dance song, “Just Say Yes,” my mind didn’t go to the dance floor at our reception, didn’t rejoice at how fun our first dance was even though it wasn’t planned at all.  I didn’t think about how Mike threw me out for a spin perfectly on cue as the song built up to the first chorus and everyone started cheering and whistling and we were both smiling from ear to ear.  No, when I heard “Just Say Yes” after our wedding I was taken back to my morning commute, walking up New Jersey Avenue to the metro, listening to the song on my iPod and daydreaming about my wedding.  I remembered my daydream—which was a little different than the real day (different hair, different dress)—because I had played that daydream, a montage of our wedding day, in my head over and over and over again for months leading up to the big day.

While these aren’t terribly detrimental thought patterns to have, more just strange, it makes me think about other thought patterns we can get caught up in and stay in even if realities change: body image, money worries, family concerns. “I need to lose weight” or “I have no money” or “My family makes me stressed.”

We can change our thought patterns.  We’re in control of our thoughts and what pops into our heads. In choosing different thoughts, we can re-train our minds and re-program our thought patterns. We can choose thoughts that build us up, make us feel happy or confident or comforted.

If every time you think “I need to lose weight” or “I’m fat,” you change your thought to “my body is beautiful” or “I’m strong” or “I have amazing arms/hair/eyes/insert favorite trait here,” that will become the prominent thought related to your appearance.

If when you worry “I don’t have enough money” or “I wish I made more” or “How will I pay for that?” you remind yourself that “the money always comes” or “I can re-work my spending plan to allocate money for that” you will believe that the money always comes when it needs to and/or you are in control of your money not the other way around.

If you anticipate “family get-togethers are overwhelming” or “my sister/uncle/mom drives me crazy” but then remember “last we time we laughed until we cried” or “my mom knows me better than I think she does” you’ll significantly decrease your chances of getting overwhelmed or irritable.

We can choose our thoughts so we might as well choose ones that work for us. It may take some time to get the new thought pattern to stick, to become the primary thought associated with an experience, a person, a stressor. But if we keep at it, we can re-program our minds.

Now I don’t catch myself holding my breath for the proposal that already happened because I look at my ring and remember the proposal and how wonderful it was.  That I have what I hoped for. And because I’ve started listening to Just Say Yes when I’m in the car alone and thinking back to our actual wedding, when I hear our first dance song, I remember our first dance and the happiness that is tied with the song. Mostly it makes me think of Mike.

Sometimes our thought patterns change because life changes.  Sometimes we have to help them get there. Sometimes we choose to change our thought patterns because that’s all we can control in the moment. And other times, our life changes because our thought patterns change.  But that’s a topic for another day.

Our proposal story

Posted on by jplatt27

Two years ago tomorrow, Mike proposed to me on a beautiful spring day in DC. It was a day I had hoped for, dreamed for, prayed for, for years. He got it exactly right.  Here’s my proposal story.

__________________________

In summer/fall 2009, Mike and I had been having regular date nights every other Wednesday.  We’d alternate who would plan and pay and try to do things we wouldn’t normally do.  We’d text each other on the day of saying where and when to meet.

So when during our last training run for the Cherry Blossom 10-miler, I didn’t think anything of it when Mike said “I think we should pick date night up again.  I have an idea for a place that I thought of last summer but never used.  How about next Wednesday?” I’m pretty sure I was thinking “oh that’s sweet. just keep running…one foot in front of the other…only 7 3/4 miles left to go…damn this hill is tough.”

I will admit that I had quite a few butterflies in my stomach when Wednesday rolled around.  At 10 til 5pm I got a text from Mike that said “At 5 o’clock, head down.  A car will pick you up, the driver will know where to go.” I figured he didn’t get a car service to take me to Ben’s Chili Bowl and thought, this must be it.

At 5:00 I left my office giddy and filled with butterflies.  I had been waiting for this day for a long time.  As I rode through the city in the sleek black car, I looked out the window with tears streaming down my face, trying to take in every detail of the world outside, the flowers, the sunshine, the tourists happily walking through the city.

The driver dropped me off behind the Jefferson Memorial, one of our favorite places in the city.  It was a beautiful sunny spring day as I walked around to the front of the monument crying behind my sunglasses but smiling all at the same time. I’m sure I was shaking.

I turned the corner and saw Mike sitting about half-way up the steps of the Memorial wearing a navy blue suit and carrying a single red rose. He smiled wide when he saw me. I will never forget that sight.

I met him halfway up the steps, he kissed me and said simply “I think you’ve waited long enough.” Then he got down on one knee and said “Will you marry me?”

I said “yes,” he stood up, we kissed, and the tourists starting clapping and cheering around us.

Our date night didn’t end there.  Mike had arranged for the car to wait for us and we got back in the car and went over to POV Terrace at the W Hotel for a bottle of champagne and celebrating.

Together while apart: how we stay in touch while traveling

Posted on by jplatt27

While Mike is in Florida, we’re communicating primarily through email. It started when I went to St. Lucia and knew I wouldn’t have cell service.  It didn’t even cross my mind to find a way to be able to use my phone while there. My sisters got calling cards, texting plans, and an app to call through wi-fi but I just assumed we’d have wi-fi at the resort and Mike and I agreed to email back and forth through the week. We liked it so much that even though we can chat on the phone or through text while Mike is in Florida we decided we’d primarily chat through email.

While it was weird not speaking or texting when I was away, we realized that we really enjoyed emailing back and forth. I liked taking time to sit and write an email to him–it allowed me time to reflect on the trip, to think about my response before responding. In writing to each other, I think we gave each other more quality time than we would have if we’d be calling and texting.

When we’re apart, phone calls are usually short at the end of the day when I’m tired and/or distracted and therefore they’re not very substantive, and filled with lots of  “i miss you.” While texts are nice, text conversations can be the worst.

But, when I sat down to write Mike an email (in the morning, my favorite time of day), I wanted to fill him in on what I’d been up to, what things were on my mind. I’d think consciously about what I wanted him to know, what I wanted to talk to him about. When you’re emailing, you can’t just be on the other end of the line, you have to write and you have to think about it. I’d be sure to ask him thoughtful questions, to follow up on things he’d told me to keep the conversation going. It is a different way of a communicating but a nice change of pace.

It was fun to look forward to the emails. When did I think he’d write? What would he say? I felt like I did back in middle school waiting for a note from a boy I liked and the giddiness and excitement that went along with that.

If I looked forward to emails from him every day this week, you can imagine my excitement that he’s coming home TODAY!

I’d love to know:

How do you keep in touch with your sig-o when traveling apart? (see above)

Do you remember exchanging notes in middle school? I remember getting notes from Mike in middle school.  I can still remember how he folded them–differently than I did.  

When anxiety breaks

Posted on by jplatt27

Before I went on vacation, I wrote about the separation anxiety I experience before leaving Mike. My anxiety “broke” the night before I left for St. Lucia: I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and spent so much energy doing so that I went to bed at 9:30. I spent the morning after reflecting on and journaling about my experience. I want to share a little bit about my anxiety with the hope that someone else experiencing what I do may feel that they’re not alone or so that someone that hasn’t ever experienced anxiety can understand a little better what it feels like.  The following is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote before I left.

_____________________

I’ve exhausted myself. My anxiety over leaving Mike came to a head on our date last night. I made it through the meal OK but any time Mike brought up the trip, I tensed up and would give one word answers. I didn’t want to talk about it. Because it reminds me of the anxiety. Everything came to a head in the car. And once the anxiety broke and the waves of tears came crashing through, I felt worlds better.  The tension that had been in my chest for at least 48 hours was released. Physically and mentally I felt completely different. But so did Mike.

In releasing my stress, I snapped at Mike a bit, saying things that got him angry and caused him to be defensive. As the tension in me subsided, the tension in him started to build. And he got frustrated and quiet. But when he took my hand walking up the driveway, I felt relieved, comforted. How I’d wanted to feel all night. 

I hate that I do this, that I have such severe anxiety that causes me to act this way.  I wish I could articulate to Mike how severe, how strong, and how deep the anxiety is. While I’m conscious of the anxiety, the feelings, the fear, the pain, the tension is completely subconscious.  No matter how much rational self-talk I give to myself, it doesn’t help. Because this isn’t something that I can choose.  These feelings run deep and they are strong and choosing to try and ignore them, to push them down doesn’t help. In fact, it only makes the outburst that much worse.

________________________

As Mike gets excited for his trip to Disney this weekend and my anxiety starts to settle in this morning, I hope that we don’t have a repeat of last week.  To prevent that, I’m being honest with myself about my feelings and communicating them to Mike.  I’m also trying to focus on how great it will be when he gets home. How excited we’ll be to see each other.

Oh, and we’re not going to spend $100 on a dinner date this time.

Separation anxiety

Posted on by jplatt27

I get separation anxiety when I’m going to be away from Mike for a little while.  I think this started at some point during college and I can’t explain exactly why it started or why it continues today.  But it’s something I deal with.  And it can be intense.

So even though I’m super excited about going to St. Lucia with my sisters (Melissa, Chrissy, and Becca) for a week starting tomorrow, I’ve been battling this anxiety for the whole week.

As a sub-conscious way to protect myself, I’ll start to get short with Mike, frustrated with him for silly things, and will start to distance myself from him. Of course, this is the exact opposite of how I want to spend days together before days apart.

Once I leave or he leaves, I’m fine. I’ll shed a tear or two and get on with the fun. But the couple days leading up to the departure are rough.

So that’s where I am today.  Anxious about packing up and leaving tomorrow. Nervous that I’ll ruin our date tonight by picking fights or being snappy at my husband when all I want is a fun, romantic, relaxing evening together. And excited for vacation with my sisters all at the same time.

I’d love to know:

Do you ever have separation anxiety?  How do you get through it?

Wedding dress laid to rest

Posted on by jplatt27

Picking up my wedding dress from the cleaner was both exciting and emotional.  I’d been wanting to have it back but as we waited while the cleaner fetched my dress I noticed a sample dress in a display box and anxiety hit.  I didn’t want my dress to look like that one sitting on the shelf.  The woman placed the huge box on the counter and pulled my preserved dress out of the box.  Emotions swelled from my heart and tears welled in my eyes.  Oh no.  That’s my dress in a coffin,  I thought.  It’s stuffed and stiff and untouchable when all I want to do is cuddle up in my bed with it.  Hug it.  See it hanging and free flowing so I can lay in bed and admire it like I did the day after my wedding, day dreaming about that happy spring day.  I want it to have life in it. But instead it’s stuffed with dry white tissue paper and laid to rest behind this clear plastic cover.

For some reason it would feel a lot better if it were just in a plain old dry cleaner bag, hanging in the back of my closet.  I could touch it or see it as I get ready for a date or for a random Tuesday of work and say mmm as I think back fondly about how I felt when I wore the dress: so beautiful, joyful, full of love. So alive. I’m sure it would yellow just the same and after a while I probably wouldn’t even see it anymore. It would become another belonging in my closet that I pay no mind to. But for now, more than anything, I want it back.

The logical part of me thinks I should just keep in the closet at my Dad’s house since we don’t really have room for it here. The emotional part of me imagines myself sitting on the floor of our living room, arms spread wide and cheek resting on the big white cardboard box crying and crying.

The rational part of me knows that I won’t wear it again, that maybe I should sell it and use the money toward another dream: paying down my student debt. The romantic part of me sees this as the symbol of the day I dreamed of for so long.  A dream that has come and gone.

What Kristen Bell and I have in common

Posted on by jplatt27

This video of Kristen Bell discussing a sloth on Ellen kept appearing in my news feed on Facebook so I finally decided to take a look.

In this interview, Kristen said something and I thought “OMG that’s me!” 

That is me.  That statement describes my emotional being to. a. T.

Mike comments “3 to 7 might be a big window for you.” Ha, ha, ha. 

This is something you should know about me, and if you’ve been reading Things After the Rings for more than a week you may probably already know this: I’m a very emotional person.

Remember the little girl in the elevator?

Or when I missed my mom?

How about when I cried tears of joy on Valentine’s Day?

When my girlfriends left after a weekend visit?

When I found Mike’s wedding suit in the laundry basket?

Oh, and then there was the time that I cried the entire day after my wedding.

Tears are nothing new to me. My friends/family/co-workers know I’m a crier. And I’m OK with that.  I own it.  And I love that I now have this gem of a statement to describe my emotional self.  (It also doesn’t hurt to know that there are other people out there like me.) Thank you, Kristen Bell.

I’d love to know:

If you could describe your emotional state in one sentence, what would it be?

How I talk to my husband

Posted on by jplatt27

We had a great Valentine’s Day!  I’m looking forward to sharing it with you all probably tomorrow or Friday.  For now, some thoughts I had on Monday.

Most of the time, my words towards my husband are warm, caring, gentle, loving, encouraging, happy, complimentary, cheerful, appreciative, or pleasant.  I say a lot of “thank you” and “I love you” or just give him a big hug and say “mmm.” This afternoon when we met to hand-off our car, the first thing I said to him was “you look so sexy in a suit.”  So most of the time, I speak kindly to Mike.

But then there are other times when my comments are snappy, short, biting, or accompanied with an eye-roll. These lines of snappiness come out so quickly that I don’t even realize I’m saying them until it’s already stung. And they hurt my husband. I don’t want to speak to any person like that and certainly not Mike.

I don’t know where they come from either. Two examples:

  1. While we were making the cake balls, Mike asked where the sprinkles were. I said “here” or something along those lines and when he turned around and looked for them on the other counter, couldn’t find them and asked again I pointed with head and eyes and said “they’re right here” and rolled my eyes as he picked them up.
  2. This morning I was sitting in bed blogging when Mike came in and turned the heat on. Within 5 minutes, I was really hot and snapped saying something like “it’s so hot in here, can you please turn the heat off?” with a tone of serious urgency. When Mike was like “uh, yeah, sure, what’s with the attitude?” I replied by saying “it’s just so hot in here I can’t stand it” and proceeded to storm out of the room saying that it was “frickin’ ridiculous.”

Like, why do I this?  Clearly, none of these things deserve attitude.  And honestly, sharing my behavior here is a little embarrassing. Luckily, Mike is pretty easy going and lets things roll right off his back. But that doesn’t make these outbursts ok.

I don’t want to get in the habit of treating my husband like this regardless of how infrequent these things are. So what do I do? Try to take a deep breath to compose myself before I make a rude remark? Apologize instantly if I let one slip out? Try to be uber-aware of my facial expressions and keep my eye rolls to a minimum?

I’d love to know:

Do you have moments where you’re snappy like this?  Where do they come from and why do we act like this? How do you rein it in? 

 

 

 

 

Happy hearts and happy bellies

Posted on by jplatt27

Sitting across from my best friends at breakfast Sunday morning, I’m struck by how beautiful they all are and how lucky I am to have them in my life. Yes, they are all pretty women, I’ve always known that. But over the past year or so I’ve realized that my friends are all around beautiful people: they are strong, smart, funny, kind, driven, loyal, caring, comforting people and my life wouldn’t be the same without them in it.

In high school and through college I think I took my friends for granted–often opting to spend time Mike and his friends instead of my girlfriends.  It’s not until I graduated from college and moved away from them all that I realized how precious friendships are, how much girlfriends add to your life.

We had an amazing weekend together.  Planned about a month ago to celebrate Jordyn’s birthday and her return to the east coast (she moved from LA to DC in January), we were all so looking forward to the girl time. We each had our own reasons for looking forward to the trip, and I think it was exactly what we needed.

The girls got to DC on Friday night and the grown-up slumber party began with dinner at my apartment. (I made this.) Having us all around my kitchen table was a bit surreal. If it was in a movie a slow happy song would play as the camera slowly pans over each of our faces as we smile, throw our heads back in laughter, and raise our glasses for a toast. It’s crazy to think that we’re all adults now and our conversations focus on work, serious relationships, being moms some day, finances, goals, and dreams.

Saturday morning my living room was covered in air mattresses, blankets, and luggage just like my bedroom was in middle school when these slumber parties began. I made my favorite pancakes and we went to my favorite yoga class. We got back around lunchtime and Mike made us all homemade pizza. Then we just veged in our gym clothes for the afternoon, read magazines, books, took naps, watched a movie. Because we really didn’t have to do anything.  We just wanted to be together. 

We put ourselves together on Saturday night for a night out on the town. We had an 8 o’clock reservation at Zaytinya and after two sketchy cab rides we all arrived at our destination. We shared a few carafes of the Pom Fili (white wine, vodka, and pomegranate juice) and sampled a lot of menu items: salads, fritters, spreads, meats. We left dinner with happy hearts and happy bellies.

Tina, Jordyn, me, Leslie, Bridget

Next, we headed to POV at the W Hotel just a quick walk away from the restaurant.  We felt pretty baller walking in and when we got to our table I was so excited we were there.  POV, the rooftop bar, is one of my favorite places in the city and I’d been wanting to take girlfriends there for a while.

Unfortunately, our stay was short-lived.  As we began ordering our first drinks, the server said “did anyone tell you about the policy?” “No,” we said, “what policy?” “It’s a $50 per person minimum or you have to do bottle service.” WHAT?!?! Since we were all pretty full and not wanting to spend $60 on drinks alone, we left our table and headed back to my neighborhood. We had a drink at a neighborhood bar before coming back to my apartment, making Pillsbury cinnamon buns, and going to bed.

And so quickly it was Sunday morning.  Of course, I had to take my friends to my favorite breakfast place: Open City in Woodley Park. As we chat over coffee, I get a bit emotional at the joy of the experience and wish that I could be surrounded by these girls all the time.  These are girls I’ve liked since middle school but have come to truly admire in the past few years.  Luckily, the conversation quickly turns to when we can have another weekend like this and we brainstorm places we can travel together.

As I gave them hugs at the train station, I had to fight back tears.  I really hate to see them go.

Luckily, one’s still here for good and we’re already planning our next girls weekend.

We found a little Christmas

Posted on by jplatt27

I think we all have two options: you can control your mood or you can let your mood control you. I often fall victim to my moods–like a few weeks ago when I literally was in a grumpy, tired, unmotivated, blah mood until 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

This weekend I had two experiences where I decided what my mood would be instead of letting my feelings take over. It made me feel really powerful and happy (because I obviously chose a positive mood). I hope that by sharing these experiences, you may be inspired to choose your mood the next time you’re in a crappy mood.

After work on Friday I was super motivated to sit down and put the finishing touches on our wedding album before meeting friends for dinner. I walk in the door of our building and head to the elevator when who do I see coming up the stairs? Mike.  “What are you doing?” I ask. “Doing laundry.  I found another bed bug.” My first thoughts: “You’ve got to be kidding me.  Why are you looking for bugs?” I was kind of angry.

I head to our bedroom, asking Mike where he found said bug.  I’m fuming as I lift the mattress to look for others but then decide “I’m not going down this road. I’m going back to my positive and motivated mood and will finish our wedding album.” Two hours later, I sent edits and approvals to our photographer, checking off a big to-do that’s been on my list for months. I was so excited, relieved, and felt accomplished.

Saturday, Mike and I planned to get into the Christmas spirit by going to the mall, going to see the National Christmas Tree, and watching a Christmas movie while making gingerbread men.  We head to the mall to start our Christmas shopping.  Within an hour 30 minutes, I’m overwhelmed and tired and, aside from two small Haagen-Dazs ice-creams, we haven’t bought a single thing.

Instead of the holly-jolly spirit we intended to get from the mall, (I know, what were we thinking??) I feel more like the grinch. I’m ready to call the whole day off and go home. We decided to go into one more store before heading out.  We end up purchasing one gift, so that makes us feel successful but I’m still kind of exhausted.  When we start discussing the logistics of paying for our Christmas gifts like which account we’ll use, I say something to Mike, he doesn’t understand exactly what I’m saying and I snap at him in the middle of J Crew saying something to the effect of “What, am I not speaking English??” He decides to wait outside.

As we walk to the car, Mike says we can just go home if I want to, and that at this point, it probably won’t even be dark when we get there. I consider it as I pull out of the garage figure that by the time we get there and find parking, it probably will be dark.  But I’m so tired and kind of just want to go home.  And then I decide no, I can turn my mood around.  We’re going to see the tree!

We found parking pretty easily and Mike suggested we stop to get hot chocolate for our walk. “My treat,” he says. We stop at Caribou Coffee for a hot chocolate, and then walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, past the White House and Treasury making our way to the Ellipse, the site of the National Christmas Tree. As we were walking back to the car Marine One flew overhead and landed on the White House lawn. It was so cool!

We picked up pizzas from a place in our old neighborhood, came home and watched Home Alone while we ate our pizza and drank our favorite wine. What could’ve turned into a really sour day ended up being exactly what we hoped it would be.