a new recipe for balance

Posted on September 10, 2012 by jplatt27

If there’s one thing I want in my life it’s balance, something that’s not always easy to come by. My weeks are always packed and I find myself at one of two extremes: either go-go-go or zonked out in front of the TV until bed.

But I recently found a new way to create balance during the week.

A few weeks ago I made Jessica‘s BBQ Spiced Salmon with Pineapple Jalapeno Salsa. It was the first time I had cooked in months–or cooked something new. Ok, kind of both. No, I don’t count pancakes.

It felt so good.

I’m telling you, cooking is good for the soul. Or good for mine anyway. There is just something about cooking, especially something new, that grounds you in the present moment. The brightness of the foods, the fresh smells while prepping and the hearty smells while cooking, the sound of onions and garlic hitting a hot pan, the feel of actually doing something with your hands. It’s awesome.

I was so happy to serve Mike a delicious dinner, impressed with the finished product, and completely energized by the whole process.

It was then that I decided that I need to prioritize this. If I don’t make room for it in my life, my week nights will get away from me. In our discussion about the dishes, when I asked Mike if it was about something bigger like wanting to spend more time with me, he said that he did miss us cooking together.

I decided that we should make one new recipe a week together. Mike liked the idea so it’s our new thing. One new recipe a week is my new recipe for balance. One new recipe a week to keep me grounded and to connect with my husband.

It’s great. We’re making new meals and we’re spending quality time together. Win-win. (You know I love win-wins!)

And we’ve been sitting at the table to eat which is so nice and not the norm for us.

I love this idea! It’s really helped me to be present on weeknights and has actually made my evenings seem longer and more energized. I hate when I feel like I just come home and do nothing.

Check back this afternoon to see what we’ve made so far!

I’d love to know:

What do you do to balance your weeks?

full of grace

Posted on September 7, 2012 by jplatt27

Today I’m participating in my first official Five Minute Friday. I did write for 5 mins a few Fridays ago but I didn’t post what I wrote. But the point of this exercise is to just write for five minutes without judgement or editing to see what comes out. So here it is. What came out for me with the word graceful.

Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee…

I can still recite this prayer from heart like it was yesterday. Though some others have fallen off of my radar, for some reason the Hail Mary is right on the tip of my tongue.

I haven’t been to church aside from weddings in quite a while. Well, the Catholic church that is. Mike and I were married in the Presbyterian Church and made a little bit of an effort to get to a few services when we were home before our wedding. While I enjoyed the services, they also made me very emotional.

I started not going to church at the beginning of college. I went to one service at the Catholic Church on campus and I wasn’t fond of the priest so I didn’t return. Something about the service didn’t do for my soul what my church growing up had done.

Since then, I’ve been wondering what role religion will play in my life. I loved going to church as a kid but I wonder if the reasons I had for going to church then are the same reasons I’d go to church now.

STOP

perfect union

Posted on September 6, 2012 by jplatt27

I absolutely adore this reading. I loved it when I read it the first time, I loved it when I heard it on my wedding day and mouthed some of the words to Mike, and I love it now, rereading it and knowing the absolute truth in the words here.

Union
by Robert Fulghum

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point you decided to marry. From that moment of yes to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making promises and agreements in an informal way.

All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks – all those sentences that began with “when we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will” – those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe”- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “you know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed–well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years.

Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you.

For after these vows, you shall to the world, this- is my husband, this- is my wife.

*Photo credit: Amanda Kraft Photography

[two questions] friends in relationships

Posted on September 4, 2012 by jplatt27

Ooo, it’s tough getting back into the routine after a nice three-day weekend.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently so I thought friendship in relation to relationships would be a good topic for two questions this week.

How are you a friend to your s.o.?

I’ve been thinking about how to answer this question since I came up with it last night. I guess the fact that I have to think about it makes it a good question?

Mike and I were friends for almost 5 years before we started dating junior year of high school. Prior to dating, our friendship consisted mostly of phone conversations and notes back and forth during the school day. I confided a lot in Mike during this time and always valued the advice he would give me because it was always very selfless. I’d call him crying over a boy problem and instead of saying “he’s not good for you anyway, you should forget about him and go out with me” he’d console me and give me advice on how to handle the situation. That’s something I’ll never forget about him and our friendship during those early years.

I think that’s one way we are friends to each other now. When listening and offering advice and support and helping each other with decisions, I’ll take into consideration what Mike wants and what will make him happy and encourage him to make that decision even if it’s not my first choice. And Mike will do the same. As Mike just put it simply: you’ll support even if you disagree.

We’ve also become friends in a more fun sense. We’ll do things together and spend time together as friends and not necessarily in a romantic way. Mike will watch the Kardashians if I want to and we spent Sunday morning eating breakfast on the couch and watching a movie even though that’s not really my thing. We’ll go for a frisbee toss, or I’ll join him on a run.

What are your thoughts on couple-friends?

Couple-friends are a win-win! I get to spend time with my husband and I get to hang out with my friends–two of my favorite things in one. I love double dates. It’s really fun to be in a social setting with Mike. While I make a concerted effort to see my friends, I sometimes unintentionally isolate Mike from my girlfriends because I so cherish girl time and then we’re really not in groups of people together very often. Couple friends allow us to be social together.

Friends that are friends with both of us are also amazing. We don’t have a ton of these but it’s nice to have mutual friends that we both have individual relationships with. Most of our mutual friends are guys. Not surprising as I sequester my girlfriends to myself.

Talk to me:

How are you a friend to your s.o. or how is your partner a friend to you? I’m honestly still thinking about my answer to this question. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be a friend and so I’m trying to evaluate my answer based on a definition I haven’t yet solidified. I’m also having a hard time differentiating friend behaviors with husband behaviors–like where is the line? Our relationship is so rooted in friendship that it’s hard to know where one ends and the other begins.

Thoughts on couple-friends?

I’m always open to more questions for two questions on Tuesdays. Feel free to ask questions in the comments or on my Facebook page. And if you haven’t done so already, like the page will ya?

the worst part of being an adult

Posted on September 3, 2012 by jplatt27

The real world. We’ve all got to enter it at some point. It includes bill paying, work, finding a new identity that’s not student, and while all of that has its challenges, none of these are the worst part of being an adult.

Let me explain…

….

It’s about noon on Sunday and my best friends from college and I are sprawled across two beds in the hotel room we shared after LEM‘s bachelorette party wishing we could all go back to sleep for about 4 more hours. We were out til 4am, drinking and dancing up a storm. Our heads hurt and we’re so tired. But as I cuddle and chat with my best friends, all 6 of us together, this warm loving feeling spreads over me and I say “isn’t life just so good right now?” They all laugh because it’s ridiculous–we’re exhausted and the room is spinning a bit–but I know deep down they all agree.

….

It’s a Sunday breakfast that turns into three hours over coffee and crepes, a lunch date that leaves you bouncing into your office, a happy hour that turns into dinner and a bottle of wine and not getting home until 10:30 on a Monday.

….

It’s a text message telling you about a DC pizza place on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives or an email mid-day Wednesday asking how the week is going.

….

Yes, these are some of the best things in life.

But they point to the worst thing about being an adult: there’s never enough time for friends.

And maybe the flip side of that is realizing how valuable these people are. And finally learning to shift your priorities to make time for them. Because they are everything.

Talk to me: what do you think is the worst part of being an adult?

two questions: money

Posted on August 28, 2012 by jplatt27

Back again with Two Questions, a series where I answer two questions about my relationship, married life, and other things that come up. Check out last week’s post about driving and dinner.

Who manages your money?

Both of us. We work together to manage our money and actually compliment each other’s strengths/interests. I’m good at and enjoy talking about money on a bigger scale: discussing goals, coming up with different ways we can allocate our money, and setting up our budget. I’m good at putting systems in place. Mike is better at the micro part and managing our money on a more on-going basis. Toward the middle and end of the month, he’ll crunch the numbers and figure out how much money we’ve spent and how much we have left to spend. This is wonderful and something I honestly don’t think about.

Mike actually suggested this question for this post and when I asked him how he would answer he said that I’m the thinker and he’s the executer.

As I type this I realize how this parallels how we do chores. Mike is so much better about keeping up with things that need to be done pretty frequently like dishes, taking out the trash, straightening up, etc. I do chores when there’s a tipping point: the tub is really gross, we have company coming, the laundry is piling over and we have no underwear left, or I can’t stand the dust on my feet.

What are your biggest financial goals?

We have two: pay down student loans and buy a new car. I want to accelerate my student loan payments and pay more than the minimum each month. Mike wants to buy a new car. We’re supportive of each other’s goals and are allocating money accordingly. While we could wait a little while for either of these goals and focus just on one, I think it’s important that we’re both working toward something we want. During our last budget conversation, Mike thought about letting the car thing go so we could accelerate our debt payments while we’re motivated but I didn’t think that was right and/or necessary. I understand where he’s coming from and I appreciate his consideration but I don’t want Mike to put his goals on hold for me. He said that we don’t need a car right now and could even go without one if our car died. But just because we don’t need it doesn’t mean it’s not a goal worth pursuing. Buying a new car means something to Mike and will bring him joy and satisfaction. It represents something bigger–just like paying down my student loans represents something bigger for me. And we were able to find money in our budget for both so we’re moving toward both.

Your turn:

Who manages your money?

What are your biggest financial goals right now?

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on August 27, 2012 by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes. You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation. I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes. And I do things. I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked. I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard. Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife. Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes. Ok. That’s a very different statement. We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships). A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.

a new division of labor

Posted on August 23, 2012 by jplatt27

There’s a new division of labor in the Platt household!

After frustration over the dishes we came to a new agreement on chores, one that we are both super happy with.

Mike and I both do things around the house. Mike does a lot of dishes and takes out the trash. We take turns making the bed and grocery shopping (though Mike does more grocery shopping than me). I’m usually the one that vacuums and cleans the bathroom.

Mike does things that are more regular or have a natural tipping point and need to be done. I do things that take a little bit longer but that can be done less frequently.

When we were chatting about the dishes, I assured Mike that I do things around the house. That I do pull my weight. “I woke up and did laundry first thing Monday morning after our trip because I knew you would do it first thing when you got home from work and I didn’t want you to have to stress about it.”

Mike said that he recognizes that I’m the one that cleans the bathroom and sweeps the floors and appreciates that.

I said that I’m much better with chores that I can do on my own time.

And that’s when Mike said “I have an idea!”

“How about I do the dishes if you do the laundry?”

I can not even tell you how quickly the stress and tension in my chest evaporated at that statement.

“Yes! That’s a great idea!”

(Apparently Mike hates doing laundry–which I honestly didn’t know and wouldn’t have guessed because he’s always so on top of it.)

So that’s what we’ve been doing. For a few weeks now. And it’s like the best thing ever. I can’t even tell you.

Last week I saw the laundry piling up and I did a quick check of Mike’s underwear drawer to see how low he was getting (he was down to two pair) and I thought ok, gotta get this done.

5:20 on Friday morning I popped out of bed, took the laundry down, put 6 loads of laundry in (one of the serious perks about still living in an apartment and having a laundry room), came back up, got back in bed for a half hour, woke up, and changed the laundry on my way out to walk Zoe. I drove over to Zoe’s house, took her for a walk, came back, got the laundry out of the dryers, and brought it upstairs. I got ready for work and left for the day. I folded the laundry when I got home on Friday night and put it all away.

Mike was thrilled it was done, I felt productive in doing it, and free to do it when I chose to, and I haven’t really worried about dishes since!

Win-win!

it's about the dishes

Posted on August 22, 2012 by jplatt27

We had a little spat about the dishes a few weeks ago.

I was telling a friend about it and he said “maybe it’s not about the dishes. Maybe he wants to spend more time with you on something.” I asked Mike later if this was the case and he said:

“No, it’s about the dishes.”

Mike and I have differing thoughts on the dishes. Mike wants them done as soon as possible after the meal and definitely before bed. I agree that I want them done but the timeline for me is more flexible. Most of the time I would much rather do them in the morning. But having them done before bed is really non-negotiable for Mike.

I know this. And I had been making a concerted effort with the dishes but it didn’t seem like that.

Mike felt like the dishes were always falling on him. And most of the cooking. I can’t say this is far from the truth. We had fallen into a routine where Mike would cook and clean most nights. But I would try to help with the dishes as much as I could.

Mike felt like he would do them and I would just help when I heard him doing them. Which wasn’t far from reality. “But it’s because I don’t think about doing the dishes at night,” I told him. “You don’t give me a chance to think about doing the dishes before you’re up and at ’em.”

“I’m working on it. But you have to give me time,” I said, “because this isn’t my priority I’m not just going to jump up one day and say ‘I just finished my last bite, I’m going to do the dishes!‘”

He smiled.

I said “And while I’m working on changing this behavior and making this more of a priority, one of two things has to give: either you do the dishes and don’t get angry that you are, or you relax and allow the dishes to sit until the morning when I’ll get to them.”

“I don’t mind doing the dishes. I really don’t. But it’s stressful when I feel like they have to be done at a certain time.”

But they really bother Mike. Having them done before bed is a non-negotiable for him.

That’s when Mike came up with a brilliant solution. One that immediately made sense for both of us and has taken the stress of the dishes off.

Check back tomorrow to see what we decided…

In the meantime, tell me:

Thoughts on dishes?

What’s your non-negotiable? I’m honestly not sure I have one. Not to this extent. Mike may disagree with me on that though.

two questions: driving and dinner

Posted on August 20, 2012 by jplatt27

I thought I’d start a new line of posts today. A mini-questionnaire of sorts. Just two marriage/relationship themed questions. Two questions seems like just the right amount to answer. If you have questions you’d like included in the series, post them in the comments, share them on my Facebook page, or send me an email.

Who drives?

We take turns. I usually drive in the morning–say to the gym or to the bookstore on Saturday mornings. We joke that that’s my “shift.” Mike usually drives otherwise. Unless we’re going somewhere that I know how to get to and he doesn’t. I get a little impatient and would rather just drive us there than give directions. When we go home to PA, Mike usually drives.

Where do you eat dinner?

We usually eat dinner while sitting on the couch and hunching over the coffee table and watching TV. While this is not ideal and we both acknowledge that we talk a lot more when we sit at the table, most nights by the time we get to eat we just want to veg on the couch. At this point dinner is more about feeding ourselves than it is about connecting. I hope that at some point we’ll make dinner more of a ritual and a time to reconnect rather than zone out in front of the TV. I definitely want dinner time to be a family thing and our kitchen to be a warm place where we all connect. I want Mike and our future kids to come home from school/work and ask what’s for dinner and hang around while I cook. I want this to be a special time for all of us. Right now Mike and I have some of our best conversations in the kitchen.