Category: Home life

Sex is for your body, not your mind.

Posted on by Kelsey Leetzow

I’m reading Pleasurable Weight Loss by Jena La Flamme and in it, she talks about increasing your threshold for pleasure.

I had that chapter on my mind when I had this mind blowing thought the other day:

Sex is for the body, not the mind.

I mean, duh. Men, if you’re reading this, you’re probably like what is she talking about? No shit. Why is there a blog post about this?

But women, you might get it.

If you’ve ever experienced a racing mind during sex, you know how life changing this thought is.

Sex is for the body, not the mind.

It’s not so you can be more loved. It’s not to check a box.

It’s for you to feel pleasure and your partner to feel pleasure, and in the process of this experience build your connection.

But first and foremost, pleasure.

So, the next time you’re in bed and your mind starts going going going worrying about is this good and should I do this or what about that or wow, I’m a good significant other for this, or when will this be over….STOP.

Remember that sex is for your body, not your mind.

And just like meditation, when your mind starts to wander (like it inevitably will…), bring your mind and attention back to your breath.

But in this case, bring it right back between your legs.

Your body knows exactly what to do.

 

coffee date

Posted on by jplatt27

coffee edited

If we were having coffee today, I’d tell you I’m pretty much a genius (or a magician). Our kitchen sink wasn’t draining (probably because of bacon grease) and I put baking soda in and the water immediately started going down. It was like magic. I read somewhere a while ago about using vinegar and baking soda to unclog drains–the combination bubbles up like a volcano–so I was going to do that but we didn’t even need the vinegar. The baking soda alone did the trick. I did pour a little vinegar and boiling water in for good measure though. Anyway, so cool!

If we were having coffee today, I’d tell you I’ve been reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield and it’s so good. Definitely a game-changer. He talks about resistance and how it comes up for all of us. Resistance especially comes up when you’re thinking about pursuing something that can have positive lasting effects for the long haul…

If we were having coffee today I’d probably rave about this kale salad. We made it for dinner on Friday and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. It was so delicious. So hearty and great flavors. We had some leftover and had it as a side with grilled cheese for lunch on Saturday. I keep asking myself when I can have it again. Mmm mmm mmmm.

If we were having coffee today I’d tell you about my birthday date. My birthday’s not til Wednesday but Mike and I celebrated yesterday. He bought me a beautiful dress that I’d marked in the Talbots catalog (you can see the top a bit in the picture above) and we got dressed up and went to brunch at the Tabard Inn.

And last but not least, if we were having coffee today, I’d probably tell you that Mike and I started watching The Killing this weekend and we’re hooked. I really enjoy having a series to watch like this, especially one that I can watch with Mike. It becomes our thing and we can spend quality time together watching. If you have suggestions for series we should put on our list for after this one, do tell!

What would you tell me?

P.S. Thanks to Emily for this post idea. I really love it!

caught between now and then

Posted on by jplatt27

We were driving back from the grocery store and I was daydreaming about when we have a house someday and have family and friends over for meals all the time. Our home is cozy and welcoming and we always have people around, always feel loved.

We drove by the Cathedral and I noticed a man taking a picture. I looked and saw the Cathedral lit by a setting sun. It was sad and beautiful. In that moment I got nostalgic for the life we have now.

I think the emotions of this moment were enhanced by this song that happened to be playing on the radio, Trace Adkins’ You’re Gonna Miss This:

Before she knows it she’s a brand new bride
In her one bedroom apartment and her daddy stops by
He tells her it’s a nice place, she says, It’ll do for now
Starts talkin’ about babies and buyin’ a house
Daddy shakes his head and says, Baby, just slow down

Cuz’ you’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast

These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this

I know I’ll miss this place and this time when we move away. Miss the hustle and bustle of the city. The beauty of the National Mall and my favorite drive down Rock Creek Parkway along the water. I’ll miss the lazy weekend mornings at home, breakfast at the coffee table and the huge windows that greet me when I walk in the door. I’ll miss the days of just the two of us. I imagine I’ll look back on this as a time when life was simple and easy, when our cares were minimal.

But I still yearn for a future time when I don’t feel as isolated. When our weekends are filled with family and friends around our table and our house is filled with the warmth that comes with a home-cooked meal.

And so I feel sad. Sad because in yearning for that, I’m wishing this time away.

But I guess the good news is that now is good and then will also be good.

 

quality time in lieu of quantity of time

Posted on by jplatt27

Since my coach training started my weeknights are pretty packed. Between tutoring, coaching clients, and training calls, I have something every night Monday through Thursday.  This means that Mike and I don’t get a ton of time together during the week.

This actually hasn’t been a problem.  In fact, it’s been a gift.

For example, Mike and I get an hour and a half together on Wednesday nights between my calls and we’ve both started really looking forward to that time. We have dinner and cuddle on the couch and watch Parenthood. Though it’s nothing fancy, especially compared to the date nights we used to have every other Wednesday, this time is really special to us.

This time is earmarked as our time. I’m not blogging or reading or coaching or half paying attention to the show we’re watching while Facebooking. Nope, I’m totally in it.

For that hour and a half we are together, really together. And the quality time is so nice.

Between that and our weekly new recipe, we may be getting more quality time than we did over the summer. Time to talk, to connect, to really be with each other.

It’s nice to know that it’s not the amount of time we have but how we spend the time that matters.

[two questions] tv edition

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m so excited for new seasons of the fall shows to start back up so I thought I’d do today’s two questions about TV.

What TV shows do you watch together?

“Our” shows include Parenthood, Scandal, Newsroom (first season just ended),  and How I Met Your Mother.  We’ll watch the new episodes together usually on DVR as soon as we can after they air.  And we won’t watch without each other. I feel like HIMYM is pretty popular with people our age so I don’t really need to hype that one up too much.  But seriously, I’d highly recommend you check out Parenthood and Scandal.

We also love Modern Family but we’re a season behind–first disc of season three arrives from Netflix today! That show makes us crack up. Literally Mike laughs out loud.  I’m almost ready to laugh out loud thinking about how hard he laughs during the show. One of the lines that really got him was when they were in Hawaii and Manny and Luke were rooming together and Manny said something to Luke about how there was pee all over and did he pee with his eyes closed.  To which Luke responds: “I was brushing my teeth at the same time.”  Mike literally busted out laughing over that line.  Like full body laughter on the couch.  Priceless.

Other shows we love but aren’t as religious about include Law & Order: SVU and Criminal Minds.

What TV programs have you started to enjoy as a result of your relationship?

I’ve started to appreciate documentaries and specials about the political process and history.

When I asked Mike this question, he looked at me with a smirk.  “You don’t have any?” I said.  More or less.

But he will tolerate some reality TV shows I watch like the Kardashians.  We’ve also watched Army Wives together.  And Mike does admit to getting into a few seasons of The Biggest Loser.

Mike did turn his nose up to Law & Order: SVU when I suggested it to him in college.  Luckily, he quickly caught on.  Same thing happened with Criminal Minds and now they are both shows we always look for in the guide.  (Side note: Remember what life was like before the guide?  Wow.  And DVR?  We’ve come so far.)

Talk to me!

First things first: any Parenthood or Scandal fans out there?

How would you answer the questions above?

a new recipe for balance

Posted on by jplatt27

If there’s one thing I want in my life it’s balance, something that’s not always easy to come by.  My weeks are always packed and I find myself at one of two extremes: either go-go-go or zonked out in front of the TV until bed.

But I recently found a new way to create balance during the week.

A few weeks ago I made Jessica‘s BBQ Spiced Salmon with Pineapple Jalapeno Salsa.  It was the first time I had cooked in months–or cooked something new. Ok, kind of both.  No, I don’t count pancakes.

It felt so good.

I’m telling you, cooking is good for the soul.  Or good for mine anyway.  There is just something about cooking, especially something new, that grounds you in the present moment.  The brightness of the foods, the fresh smells while prepping and the hearty smells while cooking, the sound of onions and garlic hitting a hot pan, the feel of actually doing something with your hands.  It’s awesome.

I was so happy to serve Mike a delicious dinner, impressed with the finished product, and completely energized by the whole process.

It was then that I decided that I need to prioritize this.  If I don’t make room for it in my life, my week nights will get away from me.  In our discussion about the dishes, when I asked Mike if it was about something bigger like wanting to spend more time with me, he said that he did miss us cooking together.

I decided that we should make one new recipe a week together.  Mike liked the idea so it’s our new thing.  One new recipe a week is my new recipe for balance. One new recipe a week to keep me grounded and to connect with my husband.

It’s great.  We’re making new meals and we’re spending quality time together. Win-win.  (You know I love win-wins!)

And we’ve been sitting at the table to eat which is so nice and not the norm for us.

I love this idea! It’s really helped me to be present on weeknights and has actually made my evenings seem longer and more energized. I hate when I feel like I just come home and do nothing.

Check back this afternoon to see what we’ve made so far!

I’d love to know:

What do you do to balance your weeks?

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes.  You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation.  I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes.   And I do things.  I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked.  I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard.  Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife.  Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes.  Ok. That’s a very different statement.  We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships).  A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.

a new division of labor

Posted on by jplatt27

There’s a new division of labor in the Platt household!

After frustration over the dishes we came to a new agreement on chores, one that we are both super happy with.

Mike and I both do things around the house.  Mike does a lot of dishes and takes out the trash.  We take turns making the bed and grocery shopping (though Mike does more grocery shopping than me). I’m usually the one that vacuums and cleans the bathroom.

Mike does things that are more regular or have a natural tipping point and need to be done.  I do things that take a little bit longer but that can be done less frequently.

When we were chatting about the dishes, I assured Mike that I do things around the house.  That I do pull my weight.  “I woke up and did laundry first thing Monday morning after our trip because I knew you would do it first thing when you got home from work and I didn’t want you to have to stress about it.”

Mike said that he recognizes that I’m the one that cleans the bathroom and sweeps the floors and appreciates that.

I said that I’m much better with chores that I can do on my own time.

And that’s when Mike said “I have an idea!”

“How about I do the dishes if you do the laundry?”

I can not even tell you how quickly the stress and tension in my chest evaporated at that statement.

“Yes! That’s a great idea!”

(Apparently Mike hates doing laundry–which I honestly didn’t know and wouldn’t have guessed because he’s always so on top of it.)

So that’s what we’ve been doing.  For a few weeks now.  And it’s like the best thing ever.  I can’t even tell you.

Last week I saw the laundry piling up and I did a quick check of Mike’s underwear drawer to see how low he was getting (he was down to two pair) and I thought ok, gotta get this done.

5:20 on Friday morning I popped out of bed, took the laundry down, put 6 loads of laundry in (one of the serious perks about still living in an apartment and having a laundry room), came back up, got back in bed for a half hour, woke up, and changed the laundry on my way out to walk Zoe.  I drove over to Zoe’s house, took her for a walk, came back, got the laundry out of the dryers, and brought it upstairs.  I got ready for work and left for the day.  I folded the laundry when I got home on Friday night and put it all away.

Mike was thrilled it was done, I felt productive in doing it, and free to do it when I chose to, and I haven’t really worried about dishes since!

Win-win!

it's about the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

We had a little spat about the dishes a few weeks ago.

I was telling a friend about it and he said “maybe it’s not about the dishes. Maybe he wants to spend more time with you on something.” I asked Mike later if this was the case and he said:

“No, it’s about the dishes.”

Mike and I have differing thoughts on the dishes.  Mike wants them done as soon as possible after the meal and definitely before bed. I agree that I want them done but the timeline for me is more flexible.  Most of the time I would much rather do them in the morning. But having them done before bed is really non-negotiable for Mike.

I know this.  And I had been making a concerted effort with the dishes but it didn’t seem like that.

Mike felt like the dishes were always falling on him.  And most of the cooking.  I can’t say this is far from the truth.  We had fallen into a routine where Mike would cook and clean most nights.  But I would try to help with the dishes as much as I could.

Mike felt like he would do them and I would just help when I heard him doing them. Which wasn’t far from reality.  “But it’s because I don’t think about doing the dishes at night,” I told him.  “You don’t give me a chance to think about doing the dishes before you’re up and at ’em.”

“I’m working on it. But you have to give me time,” I said, “because this isn’t my priority I’m not just going to jump up one day and say ‘I just finished my last bite, I’m going to do the dishes!‘”

He smiled.

I said “And while I’m working on changing this behavior and making this more of a priority, one of two things has to give: either you do the dishes and don’t get angry that you are, or you relax and allow the dishes to sit until the morning when I’ll get to them.”

“I don’t mind doing the dishes.  I really don’t.  But it’s stressful when I feel like they have to be done at a certain time.”

But they really bother Mike.  Having them done before bed is a non-negotiable for him.

That’s when Mike came up with a brilliant solution.  One that immediately made sense for both of us and has taken the stress of the dishes off.

Check back tomorrow to see what we decided…

In the meantime, tell me:

Thoughts on dishes?

What’s your non-negotiable?  I’m honestly not sure I have one.  Not to this extent.  Mike may disagree with me on that though.

two questions: driving and dinner

Posted on by jplatt27

I thought I’d start a new line of posts today.  A mini-questionnaire of sorts.  Just two marriage/relationship themed questions.  Two questions seems like just the right amount to answer.  If you have questions you’d like included in the series, post them in the comments, share them on my Facebook page, or send me an email. 

Who drives?

We take turns.  I usually drive in the morning–say to the gym or to the bookstore on Saturday mornings.  We joke that that’s my “shift.” Mike usually drives otherwise.  Unless we’re going somewhere that I know how to get to and he doesn’t.  I get a little impatient and would rather just drive us there than give directions. When we go home to PA, Mike usually drives.

Where do you eat dinner?

We usually eat dinner while sitting on the couch and hunching over the coffee table and watching TV.  While this is not ideal and we both acknowledge that we talk a lot more when we sit at the table, most nights by the time we get to eat we just want to veg on the couch.  At this point dinner is more about feeding ourselves than it is about connecting.  I hope that at some point we’ll make dinner more of a ritual and a time to reconnect rather than zone out in front of the TV. I definitely want dinner time to be a family thing and our kitchen to be a warm place where we all connect. I want Mike and our future kids to come home from school/work and ask what’s for dinner and hang around while I cook.  I want this to be a special time for all of us.  Right now Mike and I have some of our best conversations in the kitchen.

Your turn:

Who drives in your relationship? Where do you eat dinner?

If you’re not in a relationship, what do you hope your future relationship will look like in either of these areas?