Category: Married Life

a realization from a sex dream

Posted on by jplatt27

The other night I had what seemed like a strange dream but was actually very telling.

I have to share the dream to give full effect.

In my dream…

Mike and I were making out pretty passionately in bed when all of a sudden Mike said “wait, I have something to show you.”  He stood at the end of the bed and started doing tai chi moves.  “I learned these for you,” he said. Immediately, my body went from hot to cold.  I was completely turned off. “Ok, you can stop now,” I said awkwardly.

When I woke up…

Weird, huh? I woke up thinking how bizarre the dream was.

And then I realized its meaning: I love my husband and am attracted to him exactly the way he is.

I’m always asking Mike to come to yoga with me, to read this personal development book or watch that inspirational spiritual or business video with me. I’ll push him think about his next career move and where he wants to be in 10 years. And I get a little frustrated when he’s not interested.

But these things aren’t Mike. Like not at all.

Frankly, if Mike was throwing a yoga mat over his shoulder on Saturday mornings or brewing coffee in anticipation of Super Soul Sunday that would just be weird. If Mike was throwing out ideas left and right about potential dream jobs or career moves I would wonder what was going on. Because it’s not him.

I fell in love with Mike and continue to love him just the way he is.  We are very different in many ways–he yells at the TV during Philadelphia sports games and agonizes over political debates while I yell about people not fulfilling their dreams and agonize over relationships.  But I think that’s why we work.

Bottom line is if he changed in the ways I sometimes want him to, I probably wouldn’t be turned on by it in the way I think I would.  In fact, I know I wouldn’t, it would just be weird.

Do you have things you wish your significant other would do or was interested in?  

Have you gotten messages from your dreams lately?

[two questions] in-laws

Posted on by jplatt27

What is your spouse or significant other’s relationship with your family like?

When my sisters were here, Becca said that Mike is “very hands-off.” I’d say that’s pretty accurate.  He loves my family and my family loves him and when we’re all together it’s wonderful. If my siblings ask Mike for his input, he’ll share it but otherwise he just accepts them and supports them as they are. I think there is a high level of trust between my family and Mike and they very much value his opinion. Mike loves them too. When I asked Mike his thoughts on this question he said their relationship is “strong but unspoken.”

Compare and contrast your family with your in-laws.

I often say that my family and Mike’s family couldn’t be more different.  My family is loud and crazy, Mike’s is quiet and reserved.  Mike’s family is very interconnected and relies on each other to make decisions while in my family everyone kind of does their own thing and reports back their decision. Conversation with Mike’s family is very civilized and organized and with my family it’s very lively and bouncing all over the place.

This anecdote perfectly illustrates the difference between our families: I once called Mike crying about a fight I had with my parents and he said “can I call you back? we’re playing Scrabble.” Haha.

But the thing our families have in common is the most significant: family is very very important to all of us. Our families are both warm and loving.  We may show our love for each other in different ways but the love runs deep in both families.

 

quality time in lieu of quantity of time

Posted on by jplatt27

Since my coach training started my weeknights are pretty packed. Between tutoring, coaching clients, and training calls, I have something every night Monday through Thursday.  This means that Mike and I don’t get a ton of time together during the week.

This actually hasn’t been a problem.  In fact, it’s been a gift.

For example, Mike and I get an hour and a half together on Wednesday nights between my calls and we’ve both started really looking forward to that time. We have dinner and cuddle on the couch and watch Parenthood. Though it’s nothing fancy, especially compared to the date nights we used to have every other Wednesday, this time is really special to us.

This time is earmarked as our time. I’m not blogging or reading or coaching or half paying attention to the show we’re watching while Facebooking. Nope, I’m totally in it.

For that hour and a half we are together, really together. And the quality time is so nice.

Between that and our weekly new recipe, we may be getting more quality time than we did over the summer. Time to talk, to connect, to really be with each other.

It’s nice to know that it’s not the amount of time we have but how we spend the time that matters.

[two questions] tv edition

Posted on by jplatt27

I’m so excited for new seasons of the fall shows to start back up so I thought I’d do today’s two questions about TV.

What TV shows do you watch together?

“Our” shows include Parenthood, Scandal, Newsroom (first season just ended),  and How I Met Your Mother.  We’ll watch the new episodes together usually on DVR as soon as we can after they air.  And we won’t watch without each other. I feel like HIMYM is pretty popular with people our age so I don’t really need to hype that one up too much.  But seriously, I’d highly recommend you check out Parenthood and Scandal.

We also love Modern Family but we’re a season behind–first disc of season three arrives from Netflix today! That show makes us crack up. Literally Mike laughs out loud.  I’m almost ready to laugh out loud thinking about how hard he laughs during the show. One of the lines that really got him was when they were in Hawaii and Manny and Luke were rooming together and Manny said something to Luke about how there was pee all over and did he pee with his eyes closed.  To which Luke responds: “I was brushing my teeth at the same time.”  Mike literally busted out laughing over that line.  Like full body laughter on the couch.  Priceless.

Other shows we love but aren’t as religious about include Law & Order: SVU and Criminal Minds.

What TV programs have you started to enjoy as a result of your relationship?

I’ve started to appreciate documentaries and specials about the political process and history.

When I asked Mike this question, he looked at me with a smirk.  “You don’t have any?” I said.  More or less.

But he will tolerate some reality TV shows I watch like the Kardashians.  We’ve also watched Army Wives together.  And Mike does admit to getting into a few seasons of The Biggest Loser.

Mike did turn his nose up to Law & Order: SVU when I suggested it to him in college.  Luckily, he quickly caught on.  Same thing happened with Criminal Minds and now they are both shows we always look for in the guide.  (Side note: Remember what life was like before the guide?  Wow.  And DVR?  We’ve come so far.)

Talk to me!

First things first: any Parenthood or Scandal fans out there?

How would you answer the questions above?

a new recipe for balance

Posted on by jplatt27

If there’s one thing I want in my life it’s balance, something that’s not always easy to come by.  My weeks are always packed and I find myself at one of two extremes: either go-go-go or zonked out in front of the TV until bed.

But I recently found a new way to create balance during the week.

A few weeks ago I made Jessica‘s BBQ Spiced Salmon with Pineapple Jalapeno Salsa.  It was the first time I had cooked in months–or cooked something new. Ok, kind of both.  No, I don’t count pancakes.

It felt so good.

I’m telling you, cooking is good for the soul.  Or good for mine anyway.  There is just something about cooking, especially something new, that grounds you in the present moment.  The brightness of the foods, the fresh smells while prepping and the hearty smells while cooking, the sound of onions and garlic hitting a hot pan, the feel of actually doing something with your hands.  It’s awesome.

I was so happy to serve Mike a delicious dinner, impressed with the finished product, and completely energized by the whole process.

It was then that I decided that I need to prioritize this.  If I don’t make room for it in my life, my week nights will get away from me.  In our discussion about the dishes, when I asked Mike if it was about something bigger like wanting to spend more time with me, he said that he did miss us cooking together.

I decided that we should make one new recipe a week together.  Mike liked the idea so it’s our new thing.  One new recipe a week is my new recipe for balance. One new recipe a week to keep me grounded and to connect with my husband.

It’s great.  We’re making new meals and we’re spending quality time together. Win-win.  (You know I love win-wins!)

And we’ve been sitting at the table to eat which is so nice and not the norm for us.

I love this idea! It’s really helped me to be present on weeknights and has actually made my evenings seem longer and more energized. I hate when I feel like I just come home and do nothing.

Check back this afternoon to see what we’ve made so far!

I’d love to know:

What do you do to balance your weeks?

[two questions] friends in relationships

Posted on by jplatt27

Ooo, it’s tough getting back into the routine after a nice three-day weekend.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently so I thought friendship in relation to relationships would be a good topic for two questions this week.

How are you a friend to your s.o.?

I’ve been thinking about how to answer this question since I came up with it last night.  I guess the fact that I have to think about it makes it a good question?

Mike and I were friends for almost 5 years before we started dating junior year of high school.  Prior to dating, our friendship consisted mostly of phone conversations and notes back and forth during the school day.  I confided a lot in Mike during this time and always valued the advice he would give me because it was always very selfless.  I’d call him crying over a boy problem and instead of saying “he’s not good for you anyway, you should forget about him and go out with me” he’d console me and give me advice on how to handle the situation.  That’s something I’ll never forget about him and our friendship during those early years.

I think that’s one way we are friends to each other now.  When listening and offering advice and support and helping each other with decisions, I’ll take into consideration what Mike wants and what will make him happy and encourage him to make that decision even if it’s not my first choice.  And Mike will do the same.  As Mike just put it simply: you’ll support even if you disagree.

We’ve also become friends in a more fun sense.  We’ll do things together and spend time together as friends and not necessarily in a romantic way.  Mike will watch the Kardashians if I want to and we spent Sunday morning eating breakfast on the couch and watching a movie even though that’s not really my thing. We’ll go for a frisbee toss, or I’ll join him on a run.

What are your thoughts on couple-friends?

Couple-friends are a win-win!  I get to spend time with my husband and I get to hang out with my friends–two of my favorite things in one.  I love double dates. It’s really fun to be in a social setting with Mike.  While I make a concerted effort to see my friends, I sometimes unintentionally isolate Mike from my girlfriends because I so cherish girl time and then we’re really not in groups of people together very often. Couple friends allow us to be social together.

Friends that are friends with both of us are also amazing.  We don’t have a ton of these but it’s nice to have mutual friends that we both have individual relationships with.  Most of our mutual friends are guys. Not surprising as I sequester my girlfriends to myself.

Talk to me:

How are you a friend to your s.o. or how is your partner a friend to you? I’m honestly still thinking about my answer to this question.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be a friend and so I’m trying to evaluate my answer based on a definition I haven’t yet solidified.  I’m also having a hard time differentiating friend behaviors with husband behaviors–like where is the line? Our relationship is so rooted in friendship that it’s hard to know where one ends and the other begins. 

Thoughts on couple-friends?

 

I’m always open to more questions for two questions on Tuesdays.  Feel free to ask questions in the comments or on my Facebook page.  And if you haven’t done so already, like the page will ya?

two questions: money

Posted on by jplatt27

Back again with Two Questions, a series where I answer two questions about my relationship, married life, and other things that come up. Check out last week’s post about driving and dinner.

Who manages your money?

Both of us. We work together to manage our money and actually compliment each other’s strengths/interests. I’m good at and enjoy talking about money on a bigger scale: discussing goals, coming up with different ways we can allocate our money, and setting up our budget. I’m good at putting systems in place.  Mike is better at the micro part and managing our money on a more on-going basis.  Toward the middle and end of the month, he’ll crunch the numbers and figure out how much money we’ve spent and how much we have left to spend. This is wonderful and something I honestly don’t think about.

Mike actually suggested this question for this post and when I asked him how he would answer he said that I’m the thinker and he’s the executer.

As I type this I realize how this parallels how we do chores.  Mike is so much better about keeping up with things that need to be done pretty frequently like dishes, taking out the trash, straightening up, etc. I do chores when there’s a tipping point: the tub is really gross, we have company coming, the laundry is piling over and we have no underwear left, or I can’t stand the dust on my feet.

What are your biggest financial goals?

We have two: pay down student loans and buy a new car. I want to accelerate my student loan payments and pay more than the minimum each month. Mike wants to buy a new car.  We’re supportive of each other’s goals and are allocating money accordingly.  While we could wait a little while for either of these goals and focus just on one, I think it’s important that we’re both working toward something we want.  During our last budget conversation, Mike thought about letting the car thing go so we could accelerate our debt payments while we’re motivated but I didn’t think that was right and/or necessary.  I understand where he’s coming from and I appreciate his consideration but I don’t want Mike to put his goals on hold for me.  He said that we don’t need a car right now and could even go without one if our car died.  But just because we don’t need it doesn’t mean it’s not a goal worth pursuing.  Buying a new car means something to Mike and will bring him joy and satisfaction.  It represents something bigger–just like paying down my student loans represents something bigger for me.  And we were able to find money in our budget for both so we’re moving toward both.

 

Your turn:

Who manages your money?

What are your biggest financial goals right now?

it's not me, it's the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

This is my third and final post about our situation with the dishes.  You can read about the problem here and the solution here. And now I share another realization that came out of this. One that can make a much bigger impact on our relationship than our new division of labor.

Though Mike was simply saying he wanted help with the dishes, my reaction was really strong. Strangely strong. I could tell I was uncomfortable–my chest started to get tight and I was feeling very tense. I didn’t realize how upset I was until I started telling my friend and office-mate David about the conversation.  I was mad. A mini-rant just came right out of me.

Something like: Mike says he feels like he always does the dishes.   And I do things.  I always clean the bathroom and I’m the one that vacuums the floors. I’m sorry I have other things on my plate and the dishes aren’t my first priority.

It felt good to get it out but I was still upset and feeling tense about it.

As I went through my day, I realized why I was reacting so strongly. While our conversation was about the dishes, I was reacting to something completely different. What I heard was “you’re not pulling your weight” which in my book is the same as “you’re not a good wife.” So of course I was devastated. I felt attacked.  I love my husband and want to be a good wife to him. And I was reacting to that.

The strength of my reaction matched what I heard.  Of course if my husband thought I was a bad wife that would hurt. I would feel offended and attacked and I would get defensive and try to fire back with all of the reasons I’m a good wife.  Which is exactly what I did in my head (and in my mini-rant at work).

Luckily our pre-work conversation was interrupted because Mike had to go to work and I had time to process my feelings and reaction before the conversation continued.

I had the time and space to think “did Mike say I was a bad wife?” No. He said I don’t dishes.  Ok. That’s a very different statement.  We can focus on that. And when the conversation continued later, it went very smoothly and was productive instead of destructive.

I think this happens a lot in marriages (and other relationships).  A spouse will say something and the other will hear something completely different–perhaps something much more hurtful–and react to what they heard not what was said. That strong reaction can lead to a very heated, defensive argument.

If we can take a step back and ask ourselves “am I reacting to what I heard instead of what was actually said?” we can prevent a lot of fights and the embarrassment of acting irrationally and communicate better. We can also get clarity about ourselves, our beliefs, and our values.

I’m definitely going to do this going forward when I feel an unusually intense reaction to someone, my husband or otherwise.

a new division of labor

Posted on by jplatt27

There’s a new division of labor in the Platt household!

After frustration over the dishes we came to a new agreement on chores, one that we are both super happy with.

Mike and I both do things around the house.  Mike does a lot of dishes and takes out the trash.  We take turns making the bed and grocery shopping (though Mike does more grocery shopping than me). I’m usually the one that vacuums and cleans the bathroom.

Mike does things that are more regular or have a natural tipping point and need to be done.  I do things that take a little bit longer but that can be done less frequently.

When we were chatting about the dishes, I assured Mike that I do things around the house.  That I do pull my weight.  “I woke up and did laundry first thing Monday morning after our trip because I knew you would do it first thing when you got home from work and I didn’t want you to have to stress about it.”

Mike said that he recognizes that I’m the one that cleans the bathroom and sweeps the floors and appreciates that.

I said that I’m much better with chores that I can do on my own time.

And that’s when Mike said “I have an idea!”

“How about I do the dishes if you do the laundry?”

I can not even tell you how quickly the stress and tension in my chest evaporated at that statement.

“Yes! That’s a great idea!”

(Apparently Mike hates doing laundry–which I honestly didn’t know and wouldn’t have guessed because he’s always so on top of it.)

So that’s what we’ve been doing.  For a few weeks now.  And it’s like the best thing ever.  I can’t even tell you.

Last week I saw the laundry piling up and I did a quick check of Mike’s underwear drawer to see how low he was getting (he was down to two pair) and I thought ok, gotta get this done.

5:20 on Friday morning I popped out of bed, took the laundry down, put 6 loads of laundry in (one of the serious perks about still living in an apartment and having a laundry room), came back up, got back in bed for a half hour, woke up, and changed the laundry on my way out to walk Zoe.  I drove over to Zoe’s house, took her for a walk, came back, got the laundry out of the dryers, and brought it upstairs.  I got ready for work and left for the day.  I folded the laundry when I got home on Friday night and put it all away.

Mike was thrilled it was done, I felt productive in doing it, and free to do it when I chose to, and I haven’t really worried about dishes since!

Win-win!

it's about the dishes

Posted on by jplatt27

We had a little spat about the dishes a few weeks ago.

I was telling a friend about it and he said “maybe it’s not about the dishes. Maybe he wants to spend more time with you on something.” I asked Mike later if this was the case and he said:

“No, it’s about the dishes.”

Mike and I have differing thoughts on the dishes.  Mike wants them done as soon as possible after the meal and definitely before bed. I agree that I want them done but the timeline for me is more flexible.  Most of the time I would much rather do them in the morning. But having them done before bed is really non-negotiable for Mike.

I know this.  And I had been making a concerted effort with the dishes but it didn’t seem like that.

Mike felt like the dishes were always falling on him.  And most of the cooking.  I can’t say this is far from the truth.  We had fallen into a routine where Mike would cook and clean most nights.  But I would try to help with the dishes as much as I could.

Mike felt like he would do them and I would just help when I heard him doing them. Which wasn’t far from reality.  “But it’s because I don’t think about doing the dishes at night,” I told him.  “You don’t give me a chance to think about doing the dishes before you’re up and at ’em.”

“I’m working on it. But you have to give me time,” I said, “because this isn’t my priority I’m not just going to jump up one day and say ‘I just finished my last bite, I’m going to do the dishes!‘”

He smiled.

I said “And while I’m working on changing this behavior and making this more of a priority, one of two things has to give: either you do the dishes and don’t get angry that you are, or you relax and allow the dishes to sit until the morning when I’ll get to them.”

“I don’t mind doing the dishes.  I really don’t.  But it’s stressful when I feel like they have to be done at a certain time.”

But they really bother Mike.  Having them done before bed is a non-negotiable for him.

That’s when Mike came up with a brilliant solution.  One that immediately made sense for both of us and has taken the stress of the dishes off.

Check back tomorrow to see what we decided…

In the meantime, tell me:

Thoughts on dishes?

What’s your non-negotiable?  I’m honestly not sure I have one.  Not to this extent.  Mike may disagree with me on that though.