reflections on daring greatly: my vulnerability armor

Posted on August 22, 2013 by jplatt27

In her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown describes the different ways we arm ourselves against vulnerability.

Here’s one:

“The Shield: Numbing.

If you’re wondering if this section is about addiction and you’re thinking This isn’t about me, please read on. This is about all of us. First, one of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy.”

Oh my God, that’s me.

She continues:

“I often say that when they start having twelve-step meetings for busy-aholics, they’ll need to rent out football stadiums. We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.”

This was a big ah-ha moment for me and made me take a step back and think about things. I’ve spent most of my life over-scheduled, always go-go-go-go-go. When I read this I was like “ooohhhhh, that makes sense.”

And here’s the result:

“I believe we all numb our feelings. We may not do it compulsively or chronically, which is addiction, but that doesn’t mean we don’t numb our sense of vulnerability. And numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because it doesn’t just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences; numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy.”

Woah. Don’t want to do that anymore.

So yeah, this was a powerful section of the book for me. For someone that believes that she does feel her feelings and that they don’t do things to numb emotions, this was a big wake up call.

Does this resonate with you? I’d love to hear from some others like me!

Have you read Daring Greatly? What are you taking away? What vulnerability armor are you carrying?

the real process of a wedding

Posted on August 13, 2013 by jplatt27

All those conversations that were held riding in a car or over a meal or during long walks – all those sentences that began with “when we’re married” and continued with “I will and you will and we will” – those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe”- and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding. ~Union by Robert Fulghum, one of our wedding readings

Writing our vows was one of the most powerful things we’ve ever done. It was also one of the scariest.

We sat in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, trying to put together the thoughts we had each jotted down separately into promises we’d build our marriage on. It was intense. I remember looking at him and sharing things I’d never said out loud before about what he meant to me and what I hoped for our future.

Trying to articulate something you feel so deeply is tricky. Opening your heart, really putting yourself out there, even to someone you love so deeply and have known for so long isn’t easy. You feel vulnerable, raw even. Just thinking about this experience I’m getting that “I-don’t-want-to-cry-and-am-holding-back-tears” feeling in my throat. It was more than two years ago.

How often do you actually express what you value as a couple, how you want to love each other, what your hopes are? You don’t really. Many things just go unsaid or assumed.

Whether or not you plan to write and say your own vows in your upcoming wedding, or whether or not you’ve already said “I do,” I think this act of sitting down together to write promises, to share what you love about your relationship and the qualities you want to define your relationship in the long run, is a powerful one. It’s one that may make you feel exposed and vulnerable but one that is really worth it. It’s an intimate experience that brings you together closer than you’ve been before. It certainly brought us together in a deeper way than ever before.

Talk to me:

Did you/would you write your own vows?

Would you have a conversation with your husband or wife now? If so, what promises would you like you make to your spouse?

the right question: take out the shoulds

Posted on July 29, 2013 by jplatt27

I often wake up thinking “what should I do this morning?” and on weekends it’s “what should I do today?”

These questions make me feel totally overwhelmed and set me up for failure.

This is essentially like asking “what am I supposed to do today?” OR “what pressure can I put on myself today?” OR “what obligations can I create for myself today so that when I inevitably don’t do them all I feel bad about myself?”

In response, I’ll start to think about all the things I could do: chores, business tasks, people to call, things that I should do because I live in the city and I should take advantage of them. And then I think about all the reasons why I don’t want to do those things or why I can’t do those things.

It’s pretty terrible actually. It makes me feel terrible and almost paralyzed.

I realized this morning that I do the same with blogging.

I’ll think “what should I write about today?”

Then I start listing possible topics followed by the reasons they’re not the right post for the day or why I can’t or don’t feel like writing that today. And then I just shutdown and don’t write anything.

In my opinion weekends should not be about shoulds.

And blogging shouldn’t either.

So I’ve come up with two new questions:

What would I like to do today/right now? | What would I like to share on the blog today?

Are there areas of your life where you’re asking questions like these? If so, where and what’s a new question you can ask yourself?

P.S. Part of the reason these questions give me so much trouble: Janice has a field day with them.

link love

Posted on July 26, 2013 by jplatt27

There is nothing better than waking up on Saturday morning, getting coffee, and reading. Each Friday, I’ll share some links that I think are worthy of falling into that precious Saturday morning time.

1. I’ve been feeling intense sadness lately and appreciate this post from Danielle LaPorte about the difference between depression and sadness. I’m definitely sad, not depressed.

2. Members of Congress meditating? Yep, you read that right. I’m really interested in Congressman Tim Ryan’s work and spent last Saturday morning reading his book A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance, and Recapture the American Spirit. I’m excited to share this Huffington Post article about his efforts to bring mindfulness meditation to Capitol Hill.

3. I spent the month of June creating space in my life so when I read this post about an anti-frantic life, I was like yes. This post totally gives words for what I’ve experienced and what I’d like to create. If you’re a go-go-go-go-go type of person, read this.

4. Need a little pep talk? Watch this. Gets me every time. (Maybe schedule a calendar reminder to watch it on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning.)

Only one new post on the blog this week:

A book you must read

I’ll be back with more new posts next week. Have a great weekend!

my brave husband and the conversation no woman wants to have

Posted on July 16, 2013 by jplatt27

A Tuesday night cuddling on the couch turned into a conversation no woman wants to have.

Mike: Want to go to the gym with me in the morning?

Me: No. No gym for me.

Mike: Yeah, I noticed you haven’t been to the gym in a while.

From there, he went on to express concern about my sabbatical from the gym and my subsequent weight gain and the impact of both on my health.

I’m speechless. This is a girl’s worst nightmare. I think I almost laugh because I feel so uncomfortable. I don’t know what to say.

Part of me is frustrated. Part of me is just so embarrassed. And I’m like crap, what am I supposed to do with this information?

I don’t want what I do or do not eat* and how often I exercise to be about my husband. I want it to be about me. Decisions I want to make for myself not because I want a pat on the back.

I thanked Mike for saying something. It’s something I’d been feeling myself–that my body wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I’d been feeling fat. Most of my clothes don’t fit. But I’m so focused on my business right now that I put my physical health on the back burner. I was letting myself go a bit. I also acknowledged him for saying something because it takes courage to bring something like this up to your wife.

I was really stunned by the conversation and cried in bed when Mike left the room.

The next morning I felt pretty bad. I wasn’t sure what to do with this conversation. I decided to keep it to myself rather than share it with a friend on gchat or blurt it out to a colleague first thing. I wanted to take this seriously and to give myself time to process. I also didn’t want to fall into negative energy for the whole day.

I ended up telling a friend at happy hour, let myself be vulnerable and cry a little bit, share my embarrassment.

The next morning I decided I’d move more and stop eating when I feel full. I’m not going to go crazy and put pressure on myself to hit the gym every single day or go on an intense diet.

It hurt to hear that from my husband. But I’m so glad he told me. If he didn’t, who would?

I’m grateful he brought it to my attention. Literally just brought it to my attention. Now that I have this awareness, I will be more conscious about my behavior and make different choices. Actually make choices. I had gotten into the trap of not thinking about it at all.

I think what Mike did was really brave. Because that was a hard conversation to have. But he loves me and he cares about me. And I know that. This conversation demonstrates that.

P.S. Have you liked Love Always, Jo on Facebook? If, not, go over and click like now!

my really big dreams

Posted on May 8, 2013 by jplatt27

Over on my business blog, I recently asked my readers to admit their ambition. The first step in a dream come true is acknowledging the dream at all.

To encourage you to share your dreams, to lead by example, to practice what I preach, and to take the first step in making them come true, I thought I’d share my ambitions here.

My really big dreams:

Self-employed and debt-free by thirty through a six-figure coaching business

Write a best selling personal development book

Throw myself into motherhood (I’m going to be honest, this petrifies me at this point)

Create a home that is warm and welcoming

Host a regular Sunday brunch at our house for the people we love most. So that they know we’ll be there.

Coach on Capitol Hill

Build a premier coaching group for women, one that has the power to give back in a big, big way

Cultivate a love-only relationship between me and my body

Continue to grow the love in my marriage so that years from now we’re still giggling in the morning and dancing in the kitchen

Host a big, fancy, outdoor joint 25th anniversary and 50th birthday party

Join me!

Share one of your dreams in the comments!

the star spangled banner

Posted on April 29, 2013 by jplatt27

This weekend we checked three things off my DC bucket list: hike on Roosevelt Island, drinks with friends on the waterfront in Georgetown, and visiting the Smithsonian to see the first lady dresses!

It was a great weekend all around but the piece that really struck me, really impacted me, was something I didn’t even expect to see: the original star-spangled banner.

The small exhibit dedicated to the flag that inspired the National Anthem really touched me. I didn’t know that the Star-Spangled Banner was written by Francis Scott Key, who has a bridge named after him going between Georgetown and Virginia. Something about making that connection hit home for me. I guess it was like “oh, that’s who Francis Scott Key is. Yes, I guess he should have a bridge named after him.” Then thinking about the emotion that inspired the song, wow. And just as I was wrapping my head around that, around the relief, the hope, the pride he must’ve felt when he saw the flag flying at Fort McHenry, I turned the corner and saw it.

The original Star Spangled Banner. Oh my god. It took my breath away.

In her gown dedication speech, Michelle Obama spoke of the importance of the Smithsonian Museum and how the items throughout the museum remind us that America was built, our history written by real live people.

That’s exactly how I felt when I saw the flag. Just like wow. Someone made this. Someone wrote that song. My sense of appreciation for the National Anthem and for the American flag grew significantly. And I was proud.

go at your own pace: what to do when you have two

Posted on April 8, 2013 by jplatt27

A while ago I wrote about going at your own pace in life and not comparing where you’re at with others.

It hit me this morning that we often struggle to find a good pace within ourselves, that this conflict is often an internal one.

As I mentioned in this post last week, I really want some down time right now. I’m really happy with that realization and am enjoying the space I’m giving myself.

But as I went out for a walk this morning, I thought “oh, I should email so-and-so” and “I need to look over that page on my website.” I’ve also had thoughts like “I want to read this book” and “I want to write that post” and “I want to reach out to this group.”

One part of me is like enjoy this time, space is good, relaxing will help you create. The other part of me is more cautious and saying “go, go, go” and “do, do, do,” fearful that if I don’t take action, if I don’t think about these things every single minute, that nothing will happen.

It’s hard to go at your own pace, what I’d call your soul pace, when there’s that voice in your head saying “hello, what are you doing?”

Here’s how I’m going to handle it: I’m going to keep going at the pace my soul wants to go while acknowledging the voice in my head by saying: “I know you’re looking out for me and want to make sure I get what I want. Thank you for that. But trust me, I know it’s coming. This pace is just fine.”

thought a day

Posted on February 7, 2013 by jplatt27

Mike got me a thought-a-day journal for Christmas. It’s a five year journal and for 5 years you write one thought a day. When you get back to the beginning, you write year two’s thoughts under year one and so on. Wow, it’s crazy to think we could’ve filled two of these in the time we’ve been together.

I love the idea of this. It’s neat to think about all that will change in the next five years–we’ll have new jobs, a baby or two, be living in a new place. Think about the people we’ll meet, the places we’ll go, the things will do. I know I’ll treasure this gift even after it’s all filled up.

How it’s going

You’d think this would be easy. It’s a simple journal–you only have to write one or two thoughts per day! You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty and spend 45 mins scribbling all the details of your day. It’s meant to be quick and painless.

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I usually wait until right before bed to write my thought, at which point my thought is usually “I’m so tired.” I don’t want an entire journal filled with “I’m so tired today.” Maybe writing down thoughts throughout the day would help and then I could choose a thought. Another option would be to write a thought first thing when I wake up the next morning.

It’s also kind of hard to choose one thought. One thought that sums up the day.

I realize I’m probably over-thinking it (as I do with a LOT of things). I think I need to just enjoy it. Write if I want. Don’t put pressure if I don’t have a thought or I forget.

How quickly I forgot what I’ve learned about journaling…

a tip for men: 3 words

Posted on January 23, 2013 by jplatt27

A lot of times when we’re complaining about something, we don’t want a solution. We don’t want to figure it out. Sometimes we do, sure.

But most times, we want to hear a simple phrase. Just three simple words will stop us in our complaining tracks.

Here they are:

Wow, that sucks.

Yep, that’s it.